Fighting Adversity
by Sayuri-2012
Summary: Olivia makes a momentous decision that leads to unimaginable joy and heartache. E/O. (Takes place a few years ago.)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: ****This E/O story takes place a few years ago.**

**Anyone who has read my stories before will know this, but I have a tendency to include twists and turns and so just a warning... it will contain a certain amount of heartache. I will post warnings on individual chapters as necessary.**

**Also, to anyone who was reading "Beyond" I must apologize. I had no idea season 12 would be so lacking in E/O moments (so far anyway) and I have been finding it near impossible to be motivated to continue the story. I haven't yet decided whether to completely abandon it or go back to it at some point, so I will leave it up for a while until I decide. Anyway, I will try to update this and "Peril" as frequently as work and my family allow.**

1

Olivia sighed inwardly as she placed the cuffs on the woman. It was hard to keep her gaze from falling onto her swollen belly. She guessed she must be at least six months gone by the look of her and she was as high as a kite. It was so disheartening dealing with cases like these and it only served to remind her of her deep-seated longing for a child of her own. If only things had gone differently. Perhaps if she hadn't been married to the job she would have found someone and had the chance of a family, but life just hadn't panned out that way. Now here she was in her early forties, single, childless and facing an uncertain future alone.

She handed the woman over to the two uniformed police officers waiting and watched silently as they ushered their new charge into the car. Her boyfriend was placed in a second car. Both were looking at a decent stretch for possession with intent to supply. It wasn't a first offence for either of them, so Olivia knew the judge would likely come down hard on them. The only positive about the whole situation was that perhaps in jail Marina's unborn child would be in with a chance if she were to take the opportunity to get clean. Who was she kidding though? It was no doubt cynical to assume the worst, but years in the job had taught her that reality was often harsh. Marina had showed no desire to help herself so far and even pregnancy hadn't seemed to have made any difference. Olivia had seen first-hand the damage drugs and drink during pregnancy could do to a child and it saddened her immeasurably.

"You OK?" Her partner had seemingly popped up out of nowhere. He faced her now, his face betraying his own tiredness. She knew he found these cases rough too.

"Yeah," she said resignedly. "Come on. Guess we'd better get back and started on the paperwork." She set off towards their car, heading towards the passenger seat. It was her day to drive, but she wasn't in the mood. She had too much on her mind.

Elliot didn't say anything, but just slipped unquestioningly into the driver's seat and silently they headed back towards the precinct. It briefly occurred to her that he seemed somewhat subdued himself, but she was too caught up in her own musings to really give it much attention. He was the first to break the silence though.

"Could you believe the state of that place?"

"It's got to be up there with some of the worst we've come across," she said dully, remembering the mess but particularly the smell. It was horrifying how drugs could reduce people to such an existence.

"Makes your place seem like a palace in comparison," he teased. She didn't bother with a reply, although her look said it all. It was true the last time he had been there it hadn't been at his best, but he had just turned up out of the blue, so really what did he expect? He knew full well how little time she actually spent there and unlike him she didn't have someone to clear up after her at home.

"Hey, I was just joking you know," he said after a minute of awkward silence.

"Yeah I know," she said. "Sorry. I'm just tired."

He turned briefly to look at her, a hint of worry in his eyes and she forced herself to smile. Seemingly satisfied he returned his gaze back to the road ahead.

"At least we have a couple of days off," he said. "You can get some decent rest."

"Yeah," she said unenthusiastically. Just what she needed: a weekend alone to remind herself what she was missing in life.

Silence once more ensued.

Back at the precinct they were called into Cragen's office to give him a quick report. They had originally been called out by some neighbours who had heard the couple fighting and with the assumption of some kind of domestic violence, based on the sounds of smashed crockery and screams, the SVU had been called in. It turned out it was really just a case for narcotics. Both of them were high on meth and neither was pressing any charges against the other. The amount of drugs found in their apartment automatically increased the seriousness of the charges even though they insisted they were for only for personal use.

Marina and her boyfriend were briefly interviewed but it was mostly just procedure. It turned out, however, that Marina thought she was considerably further along in her pregnancy than she looked, apparently being only a couple of weeks away from her due date. Her small size and the fact that she wasn't currently receiving any prenatal care was concerning and Olivia had begged her to head straight to a clinic as soon as she was arraigned in the morning. Marina had promised and Olivia hoped she had managed to get through to her, although unfortunately she had her doubts. She hated to imagine the effect all the drugs would have on her baby. Maybe it was best not to?

The paperwork kept them late and by the time they had finished it was already gone eleven. Elliot suggested they go for a quick bite to eat but she declined. She really wasn't in the mood to be sociable and besides he had a family, unlike her, and he should be with them. Instead she allowed him to walk her to her car before saying goodnight and wishing him a good weekend.

Back in her apartment she made herself a quick sandwich and settled on to the sofa. She sank back and once again the silence hit her. Instinctively she switched on the TV. She wasn't really interested in watching anything, but just liked the background noise. As she ate she found her thoughts wandering towards something that had been on her mind lately and she moved over to the table and switched on her laptop. Lately she had been researching the possibility of artificial insemination with donor sperm. It had never been her dream to be a single mum, but she had no man in her life and her so-called biological clock was ticking after all. Adoption had already proved an unlikely avenue and for some reason at the time she hadn't even considered insemination, but after reading a little about it, it did seem like the most feasible route to becoming a mother. Of course the prices were somewhat off-putting, but maybe she would be one of the lucky ones who could get pregnant quickly and thus relatively inexpensively? As far as she was aware she didn't have any fertility issues, other than the lack of male partner anyway. Of course there was her age to consider, but she was fit and healthy and her menstrual cycle was still regular and she saw no reason why she shouldn't assume she could get pregnant.

She opened up the browser and once again looked up the site she had been reading the other day: a fertility hospital in the city, not too far away from her place. She read through some of the testimonials again, especially those from people in situations similar to hers. Then, impulsively she scribbled down the phone number and stared at it. Why not give them a ring in the morning and make an appointment? It didn't mean she had to go through with anything? It would just be a consult; finding out her options and seeing what might be possible. Where was the harm in that?

She returned to the couch, this time with a small glass of wine. She placed her free hand to her stomach, trying to imagine what it would be like to have a life growing and moving inside her. Would it really be fair to bring a child into the world though given the nature of her job? She couldn't really imagine transferring to a different department. Maybe she would have to consider it though? She doubted she would be able to afford to go part time and then there was the cost of childcare to consider. Could she really do this by herself? What choice did she have though? It was either that, or accept she would be childless forever.

By the end of her second glass of wine, she had made the decision. She would ring in the morning and make the appointment. It was truly now or never. As she placed the remainder of the wine in the fridge she smiled as she thought how very soon her nightcap might have to be a thing of the past. Then she headed towards the shower, excited, but nervous, for what the new day might bring.


	2. Chapter 2

2

A few months later

This was finally it. After months of tests, consultations and agonizing over using a considerable chunk of her life savings, she was finally going to undergo the insemination procedure for the first time. Her doctor had suggested that given her age she should try three cycles and if it didn't work consider going straight to IVF. That would supposedly give her a much higher chance for success. She hadn't decided yet if she wanted to go that far. It was a far more invasive procedure and getting time off work to attend all her current appointments was hard enough. Luckily Elliot had been fighting with Kathy again lately and so he had been distracted and not questioned her too thoroughly about her occasional late arrivals. She always made sure she got the earliest appointment available at the clinic and so would never miss more than an hour of work. Of course she more than made up for it in the evenings, so Cragen didn't mind and it didn't generally attract all that much attention.

Today, however, she had taken the whole morning off. She was extremely nervous, not just about the procedure itself but also about the impact the possible result would have on her life. She was certain she was doing the right thing, but it didn't stop her from feeling anxious about it all. It was a huge step into the unknown. She hadn't told anyone at all. In all honesty she was most nervous about Elliot's reaction. She suspected he might be shocked at best, possibly even disapprove. The clinic had mentioned something about not everyone's reaction always being positive. Some people would be against the idea of the morality of the procedure in the first place and others would have strong opinions about the idea of a child being deliberately brought into a single-parent family situation, but as her doctor had pointed out: once you are a parent you will find everyone has an opinion on almost everything you do and if you are going to get through it you need to learn to blot most of them out.

She couldn't help feeling a little sober in the waiting area. Most of the women were with someone, whether male or female. It appeared that she was the only one alone that morning. Once again the doubts niggled at her, but she tried to push them out of her mind. All of this would be worth it when she was holding her child, her own flesh and blood. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her cell phone. Feeling the eyes of everyone in the room on her, she blushed slightly and quickly glanced at the screen. It was Elliot. She pressed the end call button knowing it would go answer machine, then she switched it off. For once work could wait.

She was finally called in to the procedure room and nervously she stripped, exposing her lower body. Then she climbed up and got herself into position. Her ultrasound the day before had revealed the fertility drugs she had been taking had worked perfectly. As had been explained to her, she was ovulating fine by herself, but the clinic preferred a medicated cycle in combination with intrauterine insemination to ensure the timing was absolutely perfect.

"Good morning, Miss Benson." Her doctor was as chipper as usual. She greeted her back and their attention turned to the procedure.

"You may feel some discomfort as the needle passes through the cervix," her doctor explained. The needle was longer than anything she had ever seen. She lay back and looked at the ceiling, trying to brace herself for a sensation she had never felt before. It hit her suddenly. Her uterus suddenly cramped hard and it felt stronger than any menstrual cramp she had ever experienced before. Then the doctor announced she was done and she was left feeling a little shaky, which completely took her by surprise. She was told she could get dressed and go home and take it easy. She was instructed to ring them when either she got a positive on a pregnancy test or her period came. That was it. It felt so weird. For the last two weeks she had been so focused on taking her meds, coming in for ultrasounds and charting her cycle that it had gone so quickly and now it was over. All there was left to do now was to wait.

She drove home still feeling strange. Were the sperm swimming to the egg right now? Had fertilization already occurred? Could she possibly be pregnant already? It was exciting to imagine what amazing things could be going on inside her body right now.

When she arrived home, she lay down on the couch with her feet up. She knew it was probably silly, but she couldn't help thinking that reducing the effect of gravity might give her that much better a chance of this working.

The rest of the morning went quickly and before she knew it, it was already time to go into work. It was the last thing she really wanted to do, but she had to go. She wondered how she would get through the afternoon knowing her secret. No one had any idea.

…

It was a quiet shift. Munch and Fin were in court and Elliot was in another terrible mood. He had been a little sarcastic with her about her morning off but she had ignored him. She was used to his moods, although lately he had been worse than usual. She knew he had spent the odd night in the crib lately, but she assumed it was just a bad patch with Kathy again. Their marriage had always been rocky and she tried not to get too involved. Right now they were working through the paperwork on a case they had started on a few days ago.

"Have you got the witness statement?" he asked suddenly, holding his hand out. She looked at him blankly.

"I thought you had it," she replied eventually.

"No, I gave it to you last night."

Not finding it in the relevant file out on her desk, she reached down into her bag and brought out another file, thumbing through the papers quickly. Then she spotted it. She must have completely forgotten and placed it in the wrong file. She had been distracted, what with her insemination scheduled for this morning.

"Sorry, here it is," she said, handing it over.

"What's up with you lately, anyway?" he snapped. "It's like your mind has been elsewhere for weeks now. If you can't keep your focus, maybe you ought to see about getting some time off."

"Well what about you?" she replied, irritated. "You're hardly Mister Congenial lately, are you? Maybe if you can't keep your private life from affecting your work, you should be taking some time off yourself?"

"Fuck you."

"Well that's nice! I'm not in the mood for this, Elliot." She stood clutching her coffee mug and headed away from him before she said something she'd really regret. She was sick of his crabby attitude lately. Well stuff him. She had other things she needed to focus on in her life right now.

Unfortunately he followed her.

"Liv," he called.

"What?" she replied stonily, turning round to glare at him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just… it's just…"

"What Elliot? What is it exactly that gives you the right to treat people, treat me, like shit?" She was angry herself now and wasn't letting him off the hook that easily.

"Forget it," he muttered. His tone wasn't angry though. He sounded defeated. She immediately felt bad.

"Wait, El, look, come on let's get a coffee," she suggested.

He looked at her hopefully and she smiled at him. Despite their frequent spats, she cared for her partner a lot and she knew he was hurting right now. It was true she was so caught up with her own life lately that she probably hadn't been all that good a friend to him over the last few weeks.

"OK," he agreed. They filled their mugs and slipped upstairs to the crib where they could be alone.

"What's going on, El?" she asked once they were settled.

"I don't know. Things are bad again with Kathy. I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe it really is time to accept it's not working?" He looked straight at Olivia now and she felt her heart lurch for him on seeing his miserable expression. She knew his family meant everything to him. He had been fighting for his marriage for years. They had survived one separation and a near divorce and now it looked like things were heading back in that direction again.

"El, go home and talk to her. You two have been through so much together. It's only natural you'd have your ups and downs. You still love her, don't you?"

Elliot didn't reply.

…

The next two weeks felt to Olivia as though they crawled by. Thirteen days after her insemination, her period arrived. It was devastating. She had been so hopeful it would work the first time. She had been through it all for nothing and now she would have to do it all again. It was so frustrating. Her heart immediately ached for all the other couples out there who had suffered infertility, especially for those who went through years and years of treatments and disappointments. She felt a little bad that just this one cycle had upset her so much when others went through so much more, but she had built her hopes up and to have them dashed like that was thoroughly disappointing. As the menstrual cramps took hold, she curled up on the sofa with a hot water bottle and allowed her tears to fall unchecked. What if all this was just a pipe dream? Could she really keep doing this rollercoaster? Certainly she was limited financially as to how far she could go. What if she spent all that money and got nothing to show for it at the end? Was this really the right decision?

She decided to allow herself one day to grieve for the pregnancy that never happened. Then she would have to move on. She had been lucky her period had arrived on her day off and so she didn't have to go in to work. She remained curled up on the sofa for most of the day, indulging in chocolate, wine and watching the all-day movie channel. In the afternoon she rang the clinic and let them know it hadn't worked. The receptionist had cheerfully booked her another appointment so that she could go in and get her prescription for this coming month. It was a little overwhelming, but as the day went on and she accepted the fact that it hadn't worked this time, she started to feel more positive that perhaps it would next time. She had to keep her hopes up.

Elliot surprised her with a call that evening. He had wanted to meet up, but she really wasn't in the mood, so she had made an excuse, but had promised she would make it up to him later on in the week. She felt bad but really the timing couldn't have been worse. Right now she had to think of herself. The last thing she needed was an evening listening to him lamenting his messed-up marriage. He had the one thing she really wanted; a family. It was hard not to feel jealous of that.

The next day it would be back to work as usual. She got an early night, deciding the sooner this day was over the better.


	3. Chapter 3

3

_A few months later_

She was so deeply asleep it took several rings before it registered that it was her phone. Groggily she reached over and placed the receiver to her ear.

"Benson," she said, wincing at the croakiness of her voice as she glanced at the clock on her bedside table. It was just gone three in the morning. She sighed quietly. A call at this time meant only one thing.

"We've got a case," Elliot confirmed. She could hear the irritation in his voice and wasn't sure if it was directed specifically at her, at the sudden assignment or at the world in general. She decided she was too sleepy to really give it much thought. She reached for her notepad and scribbled down the address, assuring him that she would head over there immediately.

Getting to her feet did nothing to allay her drowsiness, so she decided to pop in the shower before leaving, in the hopes it would wake her up a little. She was an expert at expeditious showering and besides what difference would a couple of minutes make?

Once ready, she grabbed her belongings and left.

At the location, Elliot was pacing around outside waiting for her, his stance immediately warning her that he was in another foul mood.

"Finally!" he grumbled as she stepped out of her car and walked towards him. She ignored his biting tone and instead just looked at him inquisitively. It was getting on for four in the morning. She just wanted to get on with the job.

"Six year old girl missing since around 8pm last night," he explained. Her stomach clenched. The likelihood was she would turn up just fine, but you just never knew with these cases.

"She was last seen playing outside in the park with a couple of older local kids. She was supposed to be home by eight thirty but never showed up."

"And they didn't report it until now?" Olivia asked, amazed that her parents could have waited so long.

"They went looking for her themselves first. They visited everywhere they thought she might have gone and called everyone they knew, but after coming up with nothing they eventually called the police. They're inside. The Mother is pretty distraught."

"Right… I guess we should go talk to them."

"I guess," Elliot replied in a patronising tone. Olivia clenched her jaw, holding back an equally scathing retort. She wondered briefly what on earth could possibly be going on with him to make him this grouchy but right now she decided she didn't really have the time for his shit. A girl was missing and that was the priority.

She followed him inside and immediately took in the scene. The room was fairly typical of a family with a young child; a few toys strewn around, a small pile of laundry in the corner, dust collecting on the family photos on a bookshelf. The Mother was on the couch with a female uniformed officer and the Father was standing close by. Both looked visibly upset and it was obvious the Mother had been crying. Olivia stepped forward, immediately switching into professional mode.

"Hi, I'm Detective Olivia Benson," she introduced herself.

She listened carefully as the parents went over the day's events and helped them pick a photo from the family album that would assist them in their search. The blond-haired child had a sweet smile, Olivia thought. She tried not to think about it too much though. It was best to focus on the details of the case. It was hard not to be affected though with a Mother in tears in front of her.

She and Elliot stepped outside for a moment, temporarily leaving the parents with the uniformed officers, so that they could speak in private.

"Thoughts," she asked Elliot. They would always try to take a couple of moments to share their first impressions of a new case privately. They'd often come at things with completely different perspectives and it was this that she believed which made them such a formidable team.

"She's lying," he stated smugly.

"What?" she said incredulously. "I don't think so. She seems genuinely distressed. Both of them do."

"Oh come on. You know the majority of cases like this, the perp is family."

"So you're assuming there is even a perp?"

"Well they already checked with everyone they know. Where else would she be? She's a six year old girl, not a runaway teen!"

"What is with you?" she snapped. She couldn't help it. His tone was dripping with animosity and it just felt like he was in one of those moods where he would disagree with whatever she said. That was hardly going to help them find this girl.

"Look, if you can't take someone disagreeing with you, then that's not my problem, is it?"

"Well maybe if you left some of your personal baggage at home, you'd be able to focus better on the job at hand!"

He glared at her furiously.

She sighed. This was getting them nowhere. Placing a hand gently on his arm, she spoke, quietly this time.

"Look El, it's four in the morning. I don't want to argue with you. We're both tired and you have some shit going on that you don't want to talk about, fine, but there's a missing girl out there. Let's just do our jobs, OK?"

"Fine," he growled, shaking his arm free from her hand and turning back towards the house.

It was a strange feeling. She couldn't quite name it, but it definitely hurt.

* * *

They'd been working non-stop for hours. She was exhausted. In the quieter moments her thoughts would frequently turn to her latest insemination attempt. It had been done just seven days ago, so it was still too soon to know either way. It was her third attempt; maybe her last. The second attempt hadn't gone quite as smoothly as the first. The doctor had decided to increase her medication dose slightly to see if it would stimulate her ovaries to produce more than one egg, further increasing the chances of conception, but her body had reacted more strongly than they had anticipated and she had ended up with something called 'ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome'. She had been lucky enough to have a relatively mild form, but her symptoms had included some significant abdominal pain which had led her to take a few days off work.

Concerned, Elliot had pestered her constantly. She had managed to convince him she just had a stomach bug and that she'd be as right as rain in a couple of days, but he had insisted on popping over with food every evening after work and even though she was grateful, she still would have preferred to have been left alone. It was a lot to deal with and being on her mind constantly she worried that had he questioned her more thoroughly, she wouldn't have been able to help telling him exactly what was going on. She knew she wasn't ready to share her secret yet.

Unfortunately that cycle too had been unsuccessful and her doctors had insisted she rest the following month. The frustration had been almost unbearable. At least she hadn't needed to take any time off work for a few weeks, which was probably a good thing if she was going to keep this a secret for much longer.

This month the doctor had reduced her dosage again and they were monitoring her even more carefully to make sure she wasn't over-stimulated again. The whole process was so tiring. It wasn't in her hands now though. It was just a matter of waiting. She had settled into a self-imposed pessimistic attitude, convincing herself that it wouldn't have worked. It seemed better not to get her hopes up. She was just trying to protect herself from the disappointment of another failed cycle.

This case couldn't have come at a worse time. She was stressed out over the insemination and whether to continue her attempt at pregnancy after this cycle. The fate of the missing child was tugging at her already overstretched heart strings. Then there was Elliot. It was as though she could do nothing right. He snapped at her, made disparaging comments whenever she suggested something he didn't agree with and was generally just acting like a complete shit. She was sick of it; sick of him. It was getting to the point where she was starting to ask herself whether perhaps their partnership had really had its day and maybe it was time to put in a request for a new one. In any case, if the insemination worked, she would be put on desk duty anyway, so why not request a change early.

It was interesting how even though she had made the decision not to believe it would work this month deep down she still couldn't help hoping it would.

* * *

The case had seemingly been going nowhere when out of the blue a phone call came in informing them that the missing child had suddenly turned up. It turned out she had gone to a friend's house to play and fallen asleep there. The parents just hadn't checked there. The friend's parents had gone off to work early that morning, not even realising they had a house guest and so it wasn't until early evening when they got home and found the girl playing with their own daughter that they recognised her from the TV reports. They had called the police immediately.

It was a huge relief that the child was found safe, but it was undeniably frustrating to have spent so many hours on a case needlessly. Both Olivia and Elliot believed that the parents should have been keeping closer tabs on the children and none of this would have occurred in the first place. At least it was something they agreed on.

Cragen insisted they leave early and without really thinking about it, Olivia found herself in a café with Elliot digging into a salad, realising just how hungry she actually was.

They were silent for a while as they ate then Elliot suddenly put down his fork and looked at her. She felt his gaze and looked back at him curiously.

"I'm sorry Liv," he said and he sounded truly apologetic. It was unnerving. Was her stubborn partner really apologising for his behaviour towards her – or was it something else?

"You've been difficult to work with these last few days, weeks even," she commented, deciding to risk being honest with him given his sudden more approachable demeanour.

"I know. I'm sorry. I've had a lot on my plate."

"Yeah?" she asked questioningly, wondering if he would finally tell her what was going on with him. She watched him as he inhaled slowly.

"She left me," he announced. "Well technically I moved out – at her request."

"Oh Elliot, God, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise things were that bad." Even though she knew they had been fighting, it was still a shock to here things had gone so far.

"You know, this has been inevitable for a while."

"You guys have worked through this before," she said encouragingly.

"Not this time. It's over Liv." It was curious how, although upset, he didn't seem quite as distraught about it as he was the first time they had split. He seemed almost resigned.

She reached forward and placed her hand on his comfortingly, but he pulled away. She tried not to feel upset. He was hurting. This wasn't about her or them. His marriage was apparently over – again.

"I miss him, Liv. That's the worst thing about it."

Olivia knew he was referring to their young son. She knew how much Elliot loved all his kids and he took his parenting duties very seriously. Being apart from his youngest son had to be hard, No wonder he wasn't in the best of moods lately!

"When did you move out?" she asked.

"A couple of weeks ago," he said. "Managed to find a place I can just about afford in Queens not too far away from them, so I can still him as much as possible."

"I see," she said. It was hard to know what to say. Her own head was swimming. From a purely selfish perspective things were so much less complicated when he was 'happily married'. A single Elliot opened her mind up to places that she knew were best well avoided. She had never denied to herself her attraction to him, but had always tried to convince herself it was stemming from their intense friendship, nothing more. Having him safely married made that so much easier to believe.

"Liv?" he asked suddenly. She realised her thoughts must have truly run away and he was obviously waiting for an answer to something, but she had no idea what.

"I asked if you want to get out of here, say go to the Den?"

He was referring to the bar they occasionally went to after a particularly bad case or heavy work day. She instinctively agreed. Then she remembered the fact she was waiting to find out if her latest pregnancy attempt had been successful. She couldn't drink, not until she knew for sure she wasn't.

"Oh, shit, I forgot, I can't," she said reluctantly. "Not tonight."

His disappointed expression didn't escape her notice.

"It's OK," he said. "I should get going anyway."

"I'm sorry… I just…" she began, feeling terrible for letting him down when he obviously needed her.

"No, you don't have to explain. You have the right to a life outside work," he insisted. "Listen, don't worry about me. I'm fine, really. I just wanted to let you know what was going on. We're partners, right?"

She nodded, although a wave of guilt suddenly hit her with surprising force. Here he was sharing the intimate details of his life with her and yet she still had no intention of telling him what was going on with her right now. Not yet anyway, she told herself. _Not until she couldn't hide it any more._

"I'll see you tomorrow, Liv," he said softly, placing some money down in front of her for his share of the meal.

"El, you don't have to…" she began, but he had already started moving away. He turned briefly to smile at her and then he left, leaving her feeling really strange, almost empty. It was as though she had made a huge mistake, although she wasn't quite sure what.

**A/N Thank you so much for the reviews, follows and favourites. I only hope I don't disappoint... **


	4. Chapter 4

4

It had been ten days since the insemination and she fingered the wrapper of the pregnancy test nervously. It said to wait until the day your period was due, but she'd been reading online about pregnancy testing and discovered that many women got light positive lines long before then, some as early as nine, even eight days after ovulation. The only trouble was, during the course of her medicated cycle, she had been given a HCG injection to mimic the natural surge of LH the body would usually produce, to stimulate ovulation and bring hers on artificially. This meant there was a strong possibility that there would still be trace amounts of the hormone in her urine, enough to produce a light line on a test. So even if she were to take it and get a line, she wouldn't know for sure yet if it was the HCG injection or the start of a pregnancy. She replaced the test on the bathroom cabinet. There was no point further dragging out the torturous process. She decided she would go to work and try to put it out of her mind. It was only four more days, right?

Work was unusually quiet. Elliot was in court for the morning and there was nothing but tedious paperwork to keep her occupied. Her thoughts constantly turned to what was potentially going on in her uterus and she was finding it difficult to concentrate.

"Tea?" she heard Munch offering sympathetically, as she ripped up her fourth attempt at filling out a simple form. She shook her head, given him a quick grateful smile.

"Suit yourself!" he replied, heading over to the coffee machine to fill his own cup.

She glanced again at her watch, wondering how much longer Elliot was going to be. At least if she had him here to spar with, time might go a little quicker. It was always strange being there in the office when he wasn't. It was like that feeling you get when you leave the house without your coat or bag or something; the strong sense that something important is missing.

She still felt a bit guilty about the other day when he had asked her out for a drink and she had declined. Since then he had gone back to being awkward and short with her. That was when she saw him anyway. In fact she could swear he was doing his absolute best to avoid her. She planned on trying to talk to him this afternoon. She would invite him out for dinner maybe. It would serve the double purpose of hopefully clearing the air between them and also proving a distraction from the pregnancy test that was calling her name in her bathroom.

He didn't get back until gone four, much later than expected. She was beginning to wonder if he would get back at all that day. She watched him silently as he hung his coat up and came and sank down in the chair opposite her, barely acknowledging her, before immediately reaching for a file.

"Hey," she said. He looked tired. She guessed he probably wasn't sleeping well lately. She imagined it must be difficult to find yourself on your own after all those years being married.

"Hey," he replied without even looking up from the file he had suddenly decided was the most riveting thing in the room.

"El, can we talk?" she tried.

"I'm pretty busy," he replied. Her heart sank and she averted her gaze to her desk. She felt slightly embarrassed that he was brushing her off so obviously. She knew that Munch and Fin were listening in, even though they were doing a good job of pretending not to be.

"Liv," she heard him say, quietly, his tone a little more gentle maybe. She looked up and saw him staring right at her. "Let's talk later, yeah?" he offered with a slight smile and she smiled back at him with a nod, turning her attention back to the paperwork.

At the end of their shift she followed him silently out of the building and down to where his car was parked.

"Come on, I'll give you a lift home and we can talk on the way," he said. She tried hard to hide her disappointment, but then she remembered she hadn't even asked him if wanted to get dinner. As far as he was concerned, he probably thought she wasn't interested in hanging out after work, especially since the last time she had brushed him off.

"Are you hungry?" she asked, nervous to ask him outright.

"Yeah a little," he replied. "You want to grab something to eat? What do you fancy?"

"Anything," she replied, "How about a curry?" She knew he was partial to them lately.

"Sure," he said, obviously pleased at the suggestion.

The curry shop was quiet. It was still relatively early and it was mid-week. They slid into a booth mid-way down the store and placed their orders. It still felt a little awkward between them, Olivia thought. She wanted so badly for things to be how they used to be, when they could talk so easily, but she found herself inexplicably nervous right now.

"Rose for the lady?" asked an enthusiastic voice. It was one of those street vendors that had somehow managed to sneak up on them unannounced. Admittedly she wasn't facing the door, but it still perplexed her that she could have let her guard down so easily and not noticed his approach. She looked at the table, feeling extremely awkward. She supposed they probably would appear to be a couple to most outsiders. She waited for Elliot to dismiss the vendor but strangely he didn't. Instead he handed over some money and placed the rose in front of her. Her heart almost skipped a beat at the unexpected gesture.

"It's all yours Benson," he said, immediately bringing her back to reality. Of course he hadn't meant anything by it. He was probably just trying to help out the street vendor.

"Thanks," she said neutrally, flashing him what she hoped was a 'grateful but you didn't have to do that' look.

"I thought you needed it," he added. "You've not been yourself lately."

"I haven't?" she stammered. This was a shock. As far as she was concerned it was he who had been out of sorts lately.

"You look tired," he continued, "and you seem down, that's all."

She was touched by his concern. She had assumed her welfare was the very last thing on his mind, but it appeared she had been wrong.

"I guess I am tired," she admitted. It was a significant leap for her admitting that much to him.

"I've been worried about you."

"You have?" It seemed he was full of surprises this evening.

"Of course," he said easily.

"Well how about you?" she asked, deciding it would be a lot less awkward if she could shift the attention away from herself and back onto him.

"I'm doing better," he said shrugging. "Getting used to it, you know."

"Yeah," she said, not really sure what to say. She wanted him to talk to her, but her experience of relationships was limited. She guessed she was used to the splitting up aspect of things, except in most cases it was her doing to splitting; a very different situation.

"Do you fancy a drink?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"Maybe an orange juice," she said.

"Orange juice?" he asked quizzically, raising one eyebrow in an almost comical look.

"Just not in the mood," she said in way of explanation, hoping he wouldn't press her. He didn't, but then he wouldn't would he? As far as he knew she was still single and so pregnancy wouldn't exactly be the first assumption he would come to when she refused a drink. He was probably more likely thinking she was on another health kick or something.

"You go ahead though," she added.

"I'm driving," he shrugged, leaving her to wonder why he had suggested the drink in the first place. It did occur to her that maybe he was feeling just as awkward as she was right now.

"El, I'm sorry about the other night," she said suddenly.

"It's ok."

"No, it isn't. You wanted to talk and I should have stayed."

"Hey, you're here now, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am," she agreed watching him carefully. Something was definitely bothering him. It seemed her gaze had spurred him to talk.

"I've been thinking lately," he said slowly. "Maybe it's time to move on?"

"Move on?" she asked, not yet understanding exactly what he was referring to.

"I'm thinking about requesting a transfer!"

"What?" His words barely registered. What was he saying? He wanted to leave SVU? Leave her? They wouldn't be partners any more. Surely not! He couldn't."

"I've put in a good stretch," he said almost apologetically.

"Yes, but a transfer? You really mean it?"

"Thinking about it," he said.

"But… why?"

"Lots of reasons…" She couldn't help but notice how intensely he was staring at her. She was too stunned to really make much of it. Her thoughts returned to the potential baby growing inside her.

"You know I've been thinking about a transfer myself lately too," she said. It wasn't a complete lie. She had contemplated it, but she knew she was mainly saying it now to see what his reaction would be.

"You are?" He seemed as surprised as she had been at his revelation.

With impeccable timing, their curries arrived, causing both to fall silent as they waited to be alone again. Her mind was racing. He was leaving? Had she pissed him off so much that she had finally driven him away? Was that why he was suddenly being amicable with her again, because he didn't want to leave on a bad note? It hit her just how much his words had affected her and to her extreme discomfort she felt tears building in her eyes. Horrified at the thought of crying in front of him, she murmured her excuses and rushed towards the bathroom, hurrying inside the cubicle and locking the door behind her.

She leaned against the wall, allowing a couple of tears to fall. It wasn't like her to get emotional like this. She blamed it on the hormones. She wiped her eyes gently. The last thing she needed was to reappear red-eyed and swollen. He couldn't know she had been crying. It was already strange enough that she had suddenly rushed off just seconds after their meal had arrived. She would have to think of a good excuse and the longer she was the harder it would be. She left the cubicle and splashed some water on her face. She was determined to compose herself and return to the table the picture of calm.

As she stepped back towards him, she saw him watching her, an expression of pure concern on his face and she felt terrible, yet at the same time part of her was thrilled that he cared and that he was showing it.

"Sorry," she said, sliding back into her seat and immediately busying herself with her spoon.

"I didn't mean to upset you," he said softly. "It's just a thought, nothing's decided."

She cringed. He knew. He knew she had been crying and he knew it was because of what he had said. In typical Olivia style though, she changed the subject and did her best to steer clear of it for the rest of the evening.

_Four days later_

Her stomach was in knots as she held the pregnancy test, waiting for the liquid to work its way down the stick and let her know if her third attempt had worked or not. She didn't want to watch, yet she was strangely drawn to it and found she couldn't turn away. The urine started crossing the window where the line would appear should she be pregnant. She saw the indent that always appeared and she breathed out slowly, baffled how someone could be so hopeful yet pessimistic at the same time. She felt a pinch of anticipation in her stomach as she thought she could possibly see a slight bit of colour appearing. Then she stared in amazement as the pink line gradually appeared. It had worked? It had really worked? Then the sobering thought that perhaps it was still the HCG in her system left over from the shot entered her head. This line was dark though. It looked very much like a positive to her. What if the test was broken? She reached for the packet and removed the second test. Should she take another one to make sure? Feeling slightly ridiculous she decided she would take it the following morning.

She wandered into the living room, the test still in her hand, thinking that perhaps the light in a different room would reveal she had been mistaken and she had been imagining the line. Staring at the test though didn't make it disappear. The line was thick and pink. It gradually began to sink in. It really had worked. She was pregnant! She was really going to have a baby. Despite the fact she had been longing for this moment for so long, she suddenly felt overwhelmed. She really was pregnant and she realised it completely scared the shit out of her!


	5. Chapter 5

5

_Two weeks later_

The queasy feeling was building and it had reached the point where she was almost certain that she was going to vomit. Now that she had accepted that fact, all she needed to do was somehow make it to the bathroom and preferably without attracting any undue attention. She glanced up at Elliot quickly, frustrated that he happened to glance up the second she did. Sometimes the man infuriated her. It was like he had a sixth sense and could read her mind. She quickly averted her gaze back downwards, knowing that were they to make real eye contact he would probably immediately work out that something was up.

She waited for a few more seconds, willing her stomach to calm, but it was no good. She knew she would have to either get herself to the toilet quickly or risk spewing all over her desk. The only problem was that she knew full well that the act of standing itself and putting extra strain on her stomach was going to be risky. Seeing no real choice, she gritted her teeth and got to her feet, immediately feeling her stomach protest. Trying to stay as upright as she could, she hurried away, hoping that Elliot had been too engrossed in whatever form it was he was filling out to really give her much thought.

She made it, but it had been a close call. As she retched, she tried to remind herself that it was all for a good reason. There was no avoiding the fact though that she hated being sick with a passion. It was semi-amusing to think how spot on her pregnancy book had been though. She had been absolutely fine up until four days ago. Then she had hit six weeks and like magic her nausea had hit and hard. She was barely managing to keep any food down. Luckily her stomach would settle a little later on in the day and she was at least managing to eat some dinner. All her previous plans to eat healthily had completely been thrown out of the window. Now it was a case of eat anything at all that she thought she had any chance of keeping down and not without some consideration as to what it would taste like when it came back up. She knew that given this new state of permanent nausea, it was extremely unlikely she would be keeping her pregnancy a secret for long. The fact she worked with a bunch of detectives assured her of that, although the one thing she did have going for her was that they were all men, so with any luck it might take them slightly longer to put two and two together. Her current boyfriend-less status would probably throw them off the scent for a while too. Maybe she could convince them she had a particularly long-lasting stomach bug?

She left the cubicle and stared at her reflection in the mirror after splashing her tear-stained cheeks with water. Violent puking combined with the inevitable involuntary eye-watering and she now looked a complete mess. It was lucky she hadn't bothered to go mad with make-up that morning, her queasy stomach having distracted her from her usual morning routine. Mascara-stained eyes were the least of her worries though. All the splashing had dampened her hair around her face and she wondered if it would even be possible to dry it before resurfacing. She sighed. All she really wanted to do was to curl up on her sofa with the TV on and perhaps a soda. Fizzy drinks weren't usually on her list of favourite beverages, but the bubbles did seem to help marginally.

She was interrupted by the sound of her partner yelling for her outside of the toilet. Reluctantly, she pulled herself away from the mirror and stepped outside.

"What's up?" she asked. She assumed they had a case come in, judging by his tone. He had this completely different air about him when they were working a case. He was all business.

"Shit. You OK?" he asked taking one look at her.

"Fine," she said dismissively. "What've we got?"

He seemed a bit hesitant, but then must have decided to take her at her word, for he started telling her about the call that had just come in.

"Domestic violence call. Neighbours called it in," he explained handing her coat to her, then turning round and heading out. She followed him, nervously hoping that her nausea would stay at bay long enough for her to complete the job.

…

It seemed luck wasn't on her side. Within five minutes of setting off, the nausea kicked in again and she spent the remainder of the fifteen minute car ride desperately fighting it. She could sense Elliot's glances as she sat in the seat, leaning forward slightly to compress her stomach. It seemed to help a little at least. She hoped she could stave off the need to vomit until they arrived at least and she could sneak away.

"What's going on with you?" he asked finally and she seriously considered telling him. She couldn't though. Not yet. She needed more time to find the right way. Plus she knew that once he found out about her pregnancy he would insist on her telling Cragen and then she'd have the whole unit fussing around her, no doubt insisting she 'take it easy', effectively confining her to a desk for the next several months. That was the last thing she wanted. So she lied… a little bit.

"Just a slight upset stomach maybe," she said glumly. "I think it's just the motion making it worse. I'll be fine once we stop moving."

"Are you sure?" he asked in a tone which seemed to remarkably somehow portray both concern and irritation at the same time.

"Yes," she said, hoping she sounded convincing enough to get him to drop the subject.

He did, but she could tell he wasn't happy with the situation. She didn't blame him. She was supposed to be there to have his back as he had hers and her being on the verge of throwing her guts up probably didn't fill him with any confidence that she could be relied on too heavily. She decided then that as soon as she could she would visit her doctor and find out if there wasn't anything that she could take to help make her more functional at work.

They pulled up outside an unremarkable brownstone and she stepped out of the car, relieved the ride was over. The air was cool and immediately she felt a little better. Now if only she could sit down for ten minutes, then she thought she would be fine. There was no time for that though. Elliot was already charging ahead, his mind fully focused on the job. She followed behind. Hopefully this would be a routine call and before they knew it they'd be back in the office pushing pens until she could finally escape and go back home to lie down.

"Police!" she heard him introducing their presence. She heard the sound of the buzzer and followed her partner inside, where they were met by the neighbours who had called them out. It was a fairly young couple. The woman looked extremely worried and the man looked agitated.

"I'm Detective Stabler and this is detective Benson," Elliot said, flashing his badge quickly to assure the pair that he was who he said he was.

"Thank goodness you're here," she sniffed. "It's gone quiet. I'm worried about her."

"Do you know the occupants well?" Elliot asked once he had got the names of the couple.

"Not that well. Misha moved in about a month ago and we've talked a few times. I've been inside for a drink once."

"She lives alone?"

"Yes. She said she split from her boyfriend and moved here for a fresh start. She didn't really say much about him but I could tell he was no good. She seemed scared of him. She was really paranoid too. I remember thinking when I went over there, because she was so careful to bolt the door and she seemed nervous at first until she was certain it was me. I assumed she didn't want him finding her or something."

"So you think he found her then? Did you see anyone enter her apartment?" he asked, flashing Olivia a quick look. She knew he was expecting her to ask questions too. Normally they worked together.

"I didn't see anything, but I heard shouting and the sound of something breaking. That's why I called you guys."

"Do you know her ex's name?" Elliot asked.

"No. She didn't mention it. I'm sorry."

"It's OK," Olivia said. "You've been really helpful. We'll check on her and make sure she's OK. You should go inside."

"You will let us know she's OK?" the woman asked, hesitant to just leave.

"Of course," Olivia smiled.

"Thank you detectives," the woman replied.

They waited for the couple to get safely inside their apartment before they knocked on the door to Misha Hughes' apartment.

"Police!" Elliot called.

There was no immediately reply but after the second knock they heard the sound of footsteps. A man answered the door.

After the necessary introductions, Elliot told him they had been called after a neighbour had heard a disturbance.

"I'm sorry Detectives," the man replied smoothly. "Everything is fine here. We had a small fight. I apologise, we can be a little vocal, but everything is fine now. We've made up, so there's no need to worry. I'm sorry your time has been wasted."

"All the same, we'd like to speak to Misha, to make sure she is alright."

"She's in the shower," the man replied curtly.

"We'll wait," replied Elliot firmly.

"Fine, I will tell her to hurry." Then he closed the door.

Thirty seconds later they heard a huge crashing sound and one look gave them both the assurance that they were thinking the same thing. Olivia drew her firearm and Elliot prepared to knock the door down. Luckily it didn't seem terribly heavy, in tune with the general aged appearance of the building.

"Stand back!" he yelled before a hefty kick forced the door. The pair stepped inside and they were greeted to a scene of significant destruction. There was smashed crockery and furniture seemingly everywhere. Keeping their weapons drawn they entered slowly, checking for signs of the occupants, never sure in situations like this exactly what they would encounter.

Elliot spotted her first. She was lying on her stomach head down in the doorway of the bathroom. He quickly reached her and felt for a pulse.

"She's alive!" he yelled at Olivia who had headed towards the master bedroom. He grabbed his radio, calling for backup and a bus as quickly as he could while at the same time heading in the direction Olivia had gone.

He was there just in time to watch her disappearing onto the balcony.

"Liv!" He yelled. "Back-up's on its way!" It was meant as a warning that she needn't take any unnecessary risks, but should wait for help to arrive. However, if she had heard him, she didn't take any notice.

He crossed the room quickly and stepped onto the balcony, peering down the fire escape. She was already near the bottom. Then he suddenly caught sight of the gun.

"Liv! He's armed," he yelled.

She heard him just in time to duck back as a shot fired out, ricocheting off the metal staircase. Her sudden movement must have caused her footing to slip and he watched in shock as she tumbled down the final flight of steps, clunking her head sickeningly as she went down, landing hard on the ground, not moving.


	6. Chapter 6

6

By the time Elliot had got to the bottom of the stairs she was sitting up rubbing her head and the perp had completely disappeared. He had somehow found the presence of mind to yell into his radio that an officer was down and he could hear the sirens informing him that help had already arrived. It was a relief for he felt terrible about leaving the original victim, but he knew that back-up would be there within seconds and his partner needed him right now.

"Liv!" he exclaimed, comforted to see that she was firstly alive and secondly moving. He felt like his heart was going to explode it had been racing so fast.

"I'm OK," she said. "I only fell a short way. I hit my head but it feels OK."

"All the same, you're going to the hospital!" he told her firmly.

"El, please, it's nothing," she argued. She wasn't sure how convincing she sounded, for the truth was the nausea she had been trying to fight ever since she had left the precinct, had suddenly started raging again and she knew without question she was going to be sick.

"What are you doing?" he scolded her as she pulled herself upright to puke at a better angle. She didn't reply but leaned over and emptied her stomach onto the sidewalk.

"Shit, Liv," she heard him exclaiming. Then she felt his arm around her shoulders supporting her and a hand gently brushing her hair back from her face. Even though she was glad of the support due to the sudden inexplicable weakness in her legs which was probably not helped by the fact he was currently touching her so intimately, she was thoroughly mortified. Puking in public was bad enough but the fact it had been mere centimetres away from hitting her partner's shoes was excruciatingly embarrassing.

"Still think you don't need to go to the hospital?" he asked her, not without a touch of sarcasm. His teasing tone would normally elicit a biting response on her behalf, but she was finding it more than a little difficult not to notice how his arm was still around her. Worried he would detect just how much she actually liked it, she considered shaking him off, but she couldn't. She could pretty much count on one hand the times they had come into as close contact as this and she was damned if she was going to be the one to end it early. Besides it felt good to have someone supporting her. It dawned on her that had she been out with Munch or one of the others, she wasn't sure she would have been quite so keen.

The bout of vomiting reminded her of her secret growing inside her and it hit her that she was actually pregnant and she had just fallen down a flight of stairs. She wasn't sure why it hadn't occurred to her sooner. She supposed this was all still so very new that she hardly dared believe it sometimes. The cold fear gripped her now and she paled. What if something had happened to the baby? A visit to the hospital didn't seem like such a bad idea any more. She could feel her legs wobble as she suddenly felt extremely light-headed.

Elliot immediately sensed her shift in balance and wrapped his arms around her even more tightly. She realised if he hadn't have been there she would have been in real danger of falling to the ground. That was a dizzying thought in itself. She didn't think of herself as some delicate woman who fainted or usually allowed a man to 'come to her rescue'. She was Olivia Benson; a strong and capable detective. Even so, she didn't protest when Elliot helped to lower her down to the ground and she sank onto the bottom step of the staircase gratefully, relieved she no longer had to make any conscious effort to stay on her feet. He joined her, still with his arm wrapped around her and to her horror she felt the prick of tears. She wasn't certain whether it was the shock of the fall, the fear that something had happened to her baby or the sudden display of tenderness from her partner, but she was unable to stop them escaping and rolling down her cheeks.

"Shit Olivia," Elliot said again, causing her to wonder if he had any other vocabulary on hand or whether that was all he would be capable of uttering for evermore. It was then she looked at him curiously and recognised the look of pure concern on his face; concern for her but it was mixed with something else that she couldn't name. It took her aback and for some reason it scared her. Her gaze fell to her knees and she shuddered. His arm tightened around her even more and she was suddenly aware of how his thigh was pressing against hers. It was all she could focus on. His touch sent ripples of something through her that terrified her, yet she still couldn't pull away.

She couldn't decide if she was relieved or sorry when the two uniformed officers approached. Elliot tensed and loosened his hold on her, shifting an inch or so away so that their legs were no longer in contact. As much as his unfamiliar closeness had unsettled her, she already missed his presence. At least he kept his arm around her lightly. Then she remembered the fact she was crying. She had probably scared him half to death. He was just looking out for his partner and she was reading too much into it. She immediately felt a little ridiculous.

"I'm OK, El," she said, feigning sincerity. It was hard to imagine how he would take her seriously given the tears that refused to abate. She fiercely wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Like hell you are," he muttered under his breath.

"What happened detective?" one of the officers asked him.

"She fell down most of the final flight and hit her head. She needs to go to the hospital to get checked out," he explained, ignoring Olivia's indignant glare.

"I'm fine, really," she said. "It's just a bump."

"You threw your guts up straight afterwards Olivia," he reminded her. "That's not 'nothing' and you know it!" She fell silent. How could she argue without telling him the real reason? She could plainly see he was genuinely worried about her and she hated to do that to him. Not to mention that she was terrified herself. What if something had happened to the baby? The mere thought threatened to produce a fresh wave of tears. She cursed the hormones for making her so emotional and clenched her hands tightly digging her nails into her palm, hoping the pain might do something to deter the tears.

She felt him leaning in, placing his mouth close to her ear so that only she would hear what he was saying.

"Liv, please. I'm worried about you. Let me take you to the hospital. If the doctor gives you the all clear, then I'll take you home and leave you in peace, I promise. Just let them check you out – if not for you, then for me."

Slowly she nodded in agreement, noting the obvious look of relief on his face. "No ambulance though," she begged.

"The bus is on its way," one of the officers informed them, overhearing her last comment.

"It's OK. I'll take her in myself," Elliot replied, seeing Olivia's grateful smile and smiling back. "I'll just ring the Captain and clear it with him," he added, looking at her.

Olivia nodded. She had almost forgotten they were on a call and even if she was injured, Elliot disappearing from the crime scene without permission would likely get him in a lot of trouble.

"Maybe I should wait for the ambulance and go alone?" she suggested.

"Don't be silly! I'm taking you! Come on!"

He helped her to her feet and with his arms around her supporting her he led her to their car, which was still parked out the front and he helped her in.

Before climbing into the car himself he called Cragen and squared it with him and then stepped over to speak briefly to the attending officers. Finally free to leave, he slipped into the driver's seat and switched on the ignition.

"I really am fine you know," she said, as much to convince herself as him.

"You're going!" he said exasperated.

She smiled. She couldn't help thinking how cute he was when he got all over-protective of her like this.

…

Ten minutes into the journey, Elliot started to bitterly regret not insisting she go in the ambulance due to the sheer volume of traffic on the roads. It was as though every New York resident had suddenly decided to hop into their car and go out for a drive at exactly the same time. The road ahead was at a standstill with no signs of any movement whatsoever.

"Shit," he cursed, banging his fist down on the dashboard in frustration, making her jump. "Sorry," he muttered. He turned his head to look at her fully and sensing his heavy stare she raised her eyes to his questioningly.

"You had me really scared there for a moment, Liv," he said, surprising her a little at the intensity behind his words. "When you fell, I thought maybe you'd been shot, then you landed on the ground and for a few seconds didn't move and I thought…"

"I'm fine, El," she said softly.

"Thank God," he said. Impulsively he grabbed one of her hands, bringing it to his lips, startling her in the process. "I don't know what I'd have done if…"

"I'm OK," she said, feeling a little awkward at just how upset he was. "It's OK. I'm fine."

"But you're not fine, are you?" he said heavily, remembering how she had violently thrown up and then almost collapsed in his arms.

The guilt was tearing at her. She wanted to tell him so badly, yet she was terrified. Maybe she should though? Surely it would be better than letting him think there was something seriously wrong with her?

"El," she said her voice almost a whisper. "There's something I haven't told you."

"There is?"

She took a deep breath. She would have to tell him eventually. Now would be as good a time as any, surely? Maybe she could convince him to keep his mouth shut until she hit the second trimester at least? She wouldn't need to tell him the details of how she got pregnant, just that she was. He would assume it was someone she had been in a relationship with but just not mentioned. Somehow she thought that would be less embarrassing than revealing the fact she had deliberately set out to get pregnant using donor sperm. He might be surprised, but they were both entitled to their own private lives and he'd never shown her anything but unquestioning acceptance up until now. There was no reason to believe he wouldn't be OK with it.

She turned her head, keeping her gaze in her lap. She couldn't tell him while making eye contact. For some reason she was terrified of seeing his reaction. She took another deep breath before she nervously took the plunge.

"Elliot. I'm pregnant."


	7. Chapter 7

7

"What?"

The disbelief in his harsh tone cut deep. Her heart rate quickened and suddenly she started to feel slightly nauseous again, except this time she knew it was nothing to do with the pregnancy hormones. She didn't answer. She knew he had heard her perfectly well the first time. She slowly and nervously raised her head, lifting her eyes to his face to see him staring at her with a look of complete and utter shock and devastation on his face. The intensity of the raw emotion there shook her to the core. She had been expecting him to be a little surprised, but nothing like this. She was bewildered. She watched him struggling to find control and eventually he managed to speak.

"Who's the Father?" he asked in a strange strangled kind of voice that barely contained his obvious anger.

His question immediately sent a wave of irritation through her. It was the way he asked, demanding her answer, as though he had a supreme right to know the intimate details of her life. It was the scolding tone she imagined a Father might use to his pregnant teenage daughter and it was as patronizing as could be. She was a grown woman, not a child and he was her partner and supposedly her friend. She didn't owe him any explanation. Even as her response started rolling off her tongue she was aware she was probably being a little childish, but seriously, his attitude irked.

"What's it to you?"

His expression changed to a fierce glower and his eyes seemed to narrow significantly, sending a nervous shiver down her spine. She hadn't seen him this angry in a long while and never directed at her quite like this. She returned her gaze to her knees, wishing she could be anywhere but in the car with him right now.

"Do you even know who it is?" he sneered. She balked at his words, hating that he was implying she was some kind of slut who just slept around with whoever without keeping record. She couldn't believe he thought so little of her.

"Fuck you!" She hated the catch in her voice.

They lapsed into an uncomfortable silence.

"How could you do this?" he said eventually. There was a touch of sad resignation in his voice now and it suddenly made her want to cry.

It wasn't at all the reaction she had expected or been hoping for. She had been expecting surprise, of course, but surely the usual response to an announcement of pregnancy; a new life being brought into the world; was 'congratulations' not the third degree and such blatant disapproval. She felt humiliated. He obviously thought she had been careless during a one-night stand or something and the whole thing was a terrible mistake. It hurt that he couldn't be happy for her. He knew full well that she had desperately wanted a baby for years. He knew how much this pregnancy would mean to her. She could feel the tears welling but she was determined not to let him see. She didn't want him knowing just how much his reaction had hurt her. She turned to look away, staring out of the window in the opposite direction to his glare.

An awkward silence settled back over them. Before long the traffic began moving again and they continued on their way to the hospital. He pulled into the car park and just sat there with his hands on the steering wheel staring blankly out of the window, but obviously not really seeing anything out there.

"Elliot?" she ventured tentatively.

He turned towards her and she could see his anger had already dissipated. He looked heartbroken and she couldn't understand why he was so upset. Confused, she reached over to take his hand in hers, to tell him that it was OK, that she was happy; that the pregnancy had been deliberate and she hadn't been knocked up by some bastard who had left her in the lurch. She had made the conscious decision to go into this alone and she was happy.

But he pulled away before she could make contact. Her heart sank. His rejection hurt even more than she would have expected. He unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door.

"Come on," he said blandly. "You need to get checked out."

Glumly she followed him into the hospital.

He stayed close by as she was examined and declared fine, but he remained mute and she didn't feel brave enough to attempt any conversation. He waited outside while they did a brief ultrasound. They confirmed her pregnancy and declared that everything looked perfectly normal. They explained that the ER ultrasound machine wasn't as advanced as the ones they used in OBGYN clinics, so the picture was extremely fuzzy, but Olivia didn't care. Seeing the signs of her pregnancy on the screen filled her heart with a joy that almost made Elliot's sour attitude pale into insignificance. She could barely wipe the smile from her face. She was instructed to take it easy for the next few days and to make a follow up appointment with her OBGYN just to be on the safe side, but was given permission to go home. Sullenly Elliot led the way to the car and drove her home.

In the car she leaned her head back against the head rest and closed her eyes. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. She thought of her baby growing inside her and smiled. That was the important thing. Elliot would just have to get over it. She really had no clue why he was this angry. Perhaps he was just annoyed at the thought of having to be careful around his now pregnant partner? It was hardly an ideal status for someone in their line of work. He was probably pissed off at the thought of having to work with another partner for a few months while she was on maternity leave. It took time to build up a rapport with a new person and Elliot could be difficult. She was used to his moods and gave him a lot of leeway, but a new partner may not be quite as understanding. Maybe he just needed some time to get used to the idea?

She was relieved when they finally reached her apartment, glad that she could finally escape the oppressive atmosphere in the car.

"Thanks for the lift," she muttered, daring to hope this would be his cue to talk to her, apologise, maybe even offer her his congratulations. Instead he just nodded. Disappointed, but seeing no other choice she closed the car door behind her and made her way to the front door of the building. He had hastily pulled off before she could even pull her keys out of her bag.

…

Inside her apartment, finally alone, she realised just how much his reaction had truly hurt. She wished she had never told him. She should have built up to it, mentioned the possibility without revealing anything yet. Never, in all the years of their partnership, had she felt quite so despondent after a bust-up with him. They argued all the time. It was part and parcel of who they were. This felt completely different though, as though they had finally crossed a line from which there would be no return. She could sense the disappointment and disapproval radiating from him and she wasn't sure she would be able to get over that reaction. He was supposed to be her best friend, yet it turned out he didn't seem to understand her after all.

She had never felt so lonely. She couldn't help dwelling on the fact that she truly had no one: no close family and no real friends. It was just her… and now her baby. She reached under her top and placed her hand directly onto her stomach, running it softly over her smooth supple skin.

"It's just you and me," she said out loud, not even caring that she was talking to a bundle of cells: a baby so small that it most certainly didn't have ears yet, let alone the ability to process anything she was saying. "We're going to be fine."

She knew she was trying to convince herself. The truth was she was terrified. She hadn't realised just how much she had wanted, needed, expected, his support. She would have to do this on her own though. What choice did she have?

She decided a bath might be a good way to release the tension and as she sank into the hot water, she felt the heat envelop her and it was slightly comforting. It was truly a sad state of affairs, she thought, when you have a pregnancy to announce and absolutely no one in your life to be happy for you.

...

She went to work a couple of days later feeling nervous. She wasn't sure what reaction she would get from Elliot but she was also slightly worried he might have mentioned it to someone. She didn't really think he would betray her confidence like that, but he might have assumed she didn't intend to keep it a secret and inadvertently mentioned it. When she arrived though, she saw no sign of him. Captain Cragen called her into his office before she could even hang her coat up and informed her that Elliot had requested some personal days and he had granted them. She cringed. The news of her pregnancy had upset him so much that he had to avoid her by not coming into work? She still couldn't understand why he was so upset over it. Maybe it was nothing to do with her, but his disintegrated marriage that was the real problem.

She decided she would try and put it, put him, out of her mind and concentrate on doing her job. At least if Elliot was out of the office for a few days, she wouldn't have to worry about anyone else finding out. That was if she could successfully hide her nausea anyway. Luckily Munch and Fin were too absorbed in their latest case to give her much notice so she happily found herself avoiding the scrutiny she had feared would expose her secret early.

A big case came in. It was a shocking case of child abuse that unsettled the whole unit. A young girl, Jenny Foster had been rescued from a dismal situation of abuse, after one of her teachers had noticed some bruising and reported the situation to the authorities. They had not been expecting to find that things were as bad as they were and as the detectives dug into the case they quickly discovered the seven year old child had obviously been severely abused and over a long period of time. It upset everyone how a child could go through something like this for so long without somebody stepping in earlier. The media got hold of the story and the public was incensed. Blame was being flung at schools, the police and the social services and the case had incited a public furore such as they hadn't seen in a while.

It was exhausting. Every night that week, Olivia returned home from work and tumbled straight into bed, suddenly finding that even ten hour stretches of sleep didn't seem to feel anywhere near enough. She had read about fatigue being a prominent feature of the first trimester, but this was like nothing she had ever experienced before. She had never slept so much in her life.

By the time Friday night arrived she was more than ready for the weekend. Two whole days free and her plans were just to get lots of sleep and watch lots of TV. By 8pm she was already in her pyjamas after a nice hot bath and was just about to curl up on the sofa with a hot chocolate when her doorbell rang. She almost ignored it, but part of her was curious. What if it was him? She hadn't heard from him all week.

"Hi," she said over the intercom.

"Liv, it's me, El. Can I come up? We need to talk."

Her heart almost skipped a beat. Part of her wanted to tell him to just leave. She was still upset at the way he had reacted and accused her of sleeping around and then completely avoided her for the last week, no apology, nothing. Ultimately though she knew she could never turn him away.

"OK," she agreed, pressing the button to release the door, waiting apprehensively for him to arrive.


	8. Chapter 8

8

She opened the door and he slipped inside. She couldn't read him at all. The only thing she could really tell was that he was obviously nervous. He came right in and sat down on the sofa without saying a single word. The silence was making her feel more than a little awkward, so she offered to make them both a hot drink, glad of the chance to slip into the kitchen and take a couple of minutes to gather herself in private. She had no idea what to make of the fact he had suddenly turned up at her apartment after a whole week of nothing and she wondered what he could possibly have to say to in any way explain it.

Once the water had boiled, she made his coffee and brought it over to him on the sofa, before perching on the nearby armchair with her camomile tea. It was obvious he was struggling to start the conversation.

"So," she said heavily. "What did you want to talk about?" She was beginning to wonder exactly why he had bothered coming if he wasn't going to say anything.

"Elliot?" she said, trying one more time. She hadn't meant to raise her voice, but her growing frustration was hard to hide.

It must have got his attention, however, for he finally raised his head and met her gaze. "Liv, I'm so sorry I didn't come over or call before."

It wasn't the apology she had actually been hoping for, but she guessed it was a start at least. She knew this wasn't easy for him, but at the same time she felt she deserved something more. Remembering his accusations, a wave of hurt hit her again.

"I don't understand, El. Just tell me what's going on in your head, please."

"I don't know," he replied miserably. "I know I over-reacted, but I just wasn't expecting it, you know?"

"…but to the extent where you have to take time off work to avoid me? Don't you think that's a tad childish?"

"I know," he admitted. "Although in my defence, it wasn't only that… Actually Dickie was in a road traffic accident."

"What?" she said, the concern in her tone reflecting the fact that her focus had immediately shifted from her annoyance towards Elliot to the welfare of his teenage son. "What kind of accident? Is he OK?"

"He's fine. He was in the front passenger seat. A group of them were on their way to a party. A truck apparently jack-knifed in front of them. They managed to stop in time but unfortunately the vehicle behind them didn't and they were hit from behind. He's OK though. Just a few cuts and bruises, but one of his friends in the back was badly injured. It was touch and go for a couple of days and so he was pretty cut up about it all."

"Oh Elliot, I'm so sorry! Why didn't you say something? I thought it was because of what I told you."

"I needed some time to think too," he said sheepishly, embarrassed to admit that he had gladly used his son's accident as an excuse to avoid facing her. "I'm sorry Liv. I should have called you… I just can't get my head round it. I didn't even know you were seeing anyone. I thought we were more than just partners – friends, you know? - but you keep so much from me…and sometimes I just can't help but wonder if I really know you at all."

She stared at him dumbstruck for a few seconds. It was rare he was so open about his feelings with her. Then she immediately felt bad as she recognised that from what he was saying, it wasn't so much the pregnancy in itself that had upset him, but the fact she had kept the whole process a big secret from him. She had been worried he wouldn't understand and maybe even try to convince her out of doing it, but perhaps she had been wrong? Perhaps she should have trusted him and told him from the start. Maybe he would have understood? Maybe she should tell him the truth now and give him the chance to understand and support her?

A tinge of guilt stabbed at her. Was it really that she didn't trust him, or was it more to do with the fact that she couldn't help feeling a little embarrassed to admit to anyone, but maybe especially to him, that her private life was so miserable that she had resorted to artificial insemination to give her the chance at some kind of normal family life? Maybe she should have thought about it all a bit more before she did it? It was understandable that once she got pregnant people would start asking questions. He was no doubt just one of many who would be wondering who the Father was and why he wasn't supporting her. He had just voiced what everyone else was no doubt thinking, but didn't dare to say.

She cringed, her eyes lowering self-consciously as she spoke.

"El, there's something else I haven't told you."

She could feel him looking at her questioningly, but she refused to raise her head and risk looking into his eyes as she told him.

"I'm not seeing anyone," she muttered. She held her breath and her stomach muscles clenched tightly as she waited for his reaction.

"What?" he said. _So it was a one-night stand after all?_

"I haven't seen anyone in a long time actually," she admitted. While she was busy embarrassing herself, she may as well go the whole hog, she decided, wondering if she'd ever be able to look him in the face again.

"Liv, I don't understand," he said confused as to why she was trying to hide it. She obviously must have slept with someone. If anyone knew how babies were made, he certainly did!

It dawned on her that she was going to have to spell it out for him.

"I used a sperm donor."

"What?" he said incredulously. "Why?"

"I'm 41 El. I want a baby. What other option do I have?"

She could almost feel the pity emanating from him now. She knew she must sound so pathetic, but she couldn't stop the truth from tumbling out now that she had started.

"I don't want to be alone anymore…" It was almost a whisper. It was the raw and naked truth.

"Liv… You're not alone!" he replied slowly… "What about me?"

The tingling in her stomach as she heard his words took her aback. What was he saying exactly? Even if he was just trying to comfort her, which was no doubt all it was, it was still one of the nicest things he had ever said to her. They didn't tend to share many mushy moments between them, but she figured this definitely counted as one she might possible remember for a while if not forever. The thought of him knowing just how much his words meant to her, made her feel too exposed and vulnerable. She was convinced he was just saying it to be nice and would probably have a heart attack if she took him too seriously. It seemed easier to attempt to be flippant than to accept his words and move the conversation into even more uncharted territory.

"We've been fighting non-stop for the last few months, El," she pointed out in a tone that was the vocal equivalent of her rolling her eyes at his previous comment.

He looked away recognising what she meant. She wasn't comfortable with discussing their feelings towards each other, but preferred to avoid the subject, as they mostly always had. It was true. With the way they had been acting towards one another lately, it would be no wonder if she had seriously started to question their friendship. He only wished he could tell her the real reason he was finding it so hard to be around her over the last few months: the fact that he was completely and hopelessly in love with her; something he had only admitted to himself over the last week. He couldn't tell her that though and risk ruining their friendship, well what was left of it anyway. Besides, she was going to have a baby now. It was abundantly clear that her future plans didn't involve him. He did feel somewhat soothed that there was at least no mystery man in her life. Maybe as long as that stayed the case, there was a chance their friendship could survive?

He had thought a lot over the last week and finally admitted things to himself that he now realised he had kept buried for a long time. In some ways it was a relief to finally understand exactly why he was reacting the way he was reacting, but he also felt despondent, believing that she didn't feel the same way. He wondered if friendship was in fact something he could really handle. Being near her, yet not being able to take her in his arms, hold her the way he wanted, love her the way she deserved to be loved; it was a torture of its own league. Maybe denial had been easier after all?

"I'm sorry," he said heavily. "I'm really sorry for everything." He wondered if she really understood just how deep his apology went. He hoped she knew that it included every single harsh word, every scathing comment, everything he had ever done to hurt her. He knew he needed a way to end this conversation amicably now, so that he could escape, go home and drown his newly discovered pain in a bottle of whisky or something, but then she spoke.

"I'm sorry too."

There was something in her voice that just made him feel awful. He didn't really understand it fully, but her being there in front of him apologising to _him_ after everything that he felt he had done and all those things he had said and implied. He felt terrible. She shouldn't be apologising to him. He was the idiot. He could feel the unfamiliar sensation of tears pricking at his eyes and he was horrified. What the hell was the matter with him? It took every ounce of control he had to blink them away and prevent himself from making a complete fool of himself in his eyes. He didn't trust himself to speak, so he just sipped his coffee, ransacking his brain for the right words to say which would allow him to leave without upsetting her or making her feel she had done something wrong.

She chose that moment to switch the TV on, keeping the sound down low, assumedly so they could still talk if they wanted and he was extremely grateful for the distraction. It did cross his mind that perhaps she had caught on to just how close to losing it he was and was trying to take the pressure off him. Or, on second thoughts, maybe she thought after the exchange of apologies everything was back to normal now. If only it could be so simple…

"Liv, I'm really sorry. I have to go. I just wanted to come over and apologise face to face, but I've got to get back… Dickie is expecting me." He hoped she wouldn't pick up on the lie.

"Already?"

She seemed disappointed. Yet another thing to beat himself up about later, but he really couldn't stay. He had to be on his own right now. This was just too hard.

"I'll see you at work on Monday," he managed to say, hoping his tone sounded friendly and normal enough.

"OK," she said. He knew now she was definitely disappointed, although she was trying her best to hide it.

Suddenly and impulsively he stood and went over to her, kneeling down in front of her, reaching for her hand and placing his tightly around hers. She looked at him, surprised at the sudden and unexpected contact and before he knew what he was doing, he leaned forward and kissed her briefly on the cheek. Then he immediately pulled back, releasing her hand and getting back up on his feet.

"Congrats, Liv," he said, looking directly into her eyes, wanting her to know how heartfelt his words were as he said them. "You'll make a wonderful Mother."

He just about caught the glistening of the tears in her eyes before he turned around and headed towards the door.

"El…" she started, moving to stand, but he was already half way out the door.

"Bye Liv. See you Monday," he said quickly.

Before she could stop him he slipped outside, closing the door behind him.


	9. Chapter 9

9

"She called in sick?" Elliot was incredulous for the first few seconds. Then he started to worry. There had been more than one occasion when she had dragged herself into work looking like death warmed up, until eventually she would be ordered home to rest by their frustrated Captain. Even then, more often than not, she would insist on taking files home with her to complete while supposedly recuperating. The fact that she had called in sick herself sent a wave of trepidation through him. He hoped it wasn't something to do with the pregnancy. He knew how stubborn she was. If something had happened, she would try and force herself to get through it on her own without reaching out to him, without letting him be there for her.

"Elliot!" His Captain's voice brought him back to the room and he realised he must have been asked something but he had no clue what.

"Sorry Captain. Can you say that again?" he mumbled, trying to focus on what his boss was saying.

"I said, Jenny Foster is coming in with her carer at 10:30am for another interview and I want you to do it since Liv is out sick."

"Jenny Foster?" Elliot asked foggily. The name rang a bell. The case had been all over the news, but he hadn't been paying all that much attention. In fact he was certain Fin had briefly mentioned the case first thing that morning, before Cragen had even arrived, but he couldn't remember the specifics. He was finding it impossible to prevent his thoughts from veering towards Olivia and wondering if she was alright.

"You have one hour Stabler," Cragen said frustrated, knowing that his detective would no doubt be useless to him until he satisfied himself that Olivia just had the latest bug going round, as she had explained on the phone. "Get over there, check she's OK and get back here to prepare for the interview. While you're there she can fill you in on the details, since you two obviously haven't been keeping each other up to date over the last week."

Too relieved to even be embarrassed at how obvious he had been in his concern for his partner's welfare, he thanked the Captain hurriedly and grabbed his keys from his desk, heading downstairs and to his car as fast as was possible without actually running.

…

He rang the doorbell, but there was no answer. Perhaps she wasn't there? Perhaps she had gone to see a doctor. He reached into his back pocket for his phone, wondering why he hadn't rung her earlier to let her know he was on his way over. Just as he had scrolled down to her name, he heard her voice over the intercom.

"Who is it?"

"It's me," he said quickly, wondering why it had taken her so long to answer. Had she been asleep or in the shower or something?

He heard the buzzing of the door release and he pushed his way inside, hurrying up the stairs to her floor, deciding it would be quicker than waiting for the elevator which was currently at the top of the building.

"Oh my God Liv!" he exclaimed the second he saw her. She looked terrible. She was in her pyjamas, standing hunched over slightly, her face was pale, her eyes sunken and she looked unsteady on her feet. He immediately put his arm around her shoulders, leading her over to the sofa and helping her down. She leaned forward her elbows resting on her knees, her hands holding her chin and supporting the weight of her head. He sat down beside her, making gentle circles on her back.

"You need to see a doctor."

"I'm fine. It's this morning sickness. It's been kicking my ass this weekend."

"This is more than morning sickness. You look awful."

"Well thanks," she said indignantly, with an expression on her face that he almost would have described as a pout.

"I'm serious Liv. You need to get checked out."

She suddenly and inexplicably looked like she was about to cry.

"I know, but I just don't know if I can face getting there. I just want to stay here so I can throw up in my own toilet and lie on my own sofa. The thought of travelling to the hospital makes me want to just lie down and cry."

"Don't they do home visits?"

She shook her head. "It's a fertility clinic. They haven't released me to my regular OBGYN yet. They said they will after my nine week scan."

"How many weeks are you now?"

"Only 8 weeks. My scheduled appointment is next Tuesday."

"Ring them and see if you can get in later on today. I have to go back in a minute. Jenny Foster is coming in at half past ten and Cragen wants me to interview her. I'll take you to your appointment later on though. Do they do evening appointments?"

"I'll ring and ask," she said obediently, causing a raised eyebrow from Elliot who wasn't used to her being quite this easily convinced. It was a sure sign that she really was feeling rough.

"You didn't seem too bad on Friday," he commented.

"You know for some reason, it's not usually quite so bad in the evenings, but yeah you're right. It started in the night Friday and it's been bad all weekend."

"Have you kept anything down at all?"

She shook her head.

"I'm really sorry I can't take you right now," he said. "Maybe I should ask Fin or Munch to take you?"

"No! Elliot. No one can know yet!"

"Liv, you're not going to be able to work like this, are you? If you take time off they're all going to be worried about you. Maybe you should just tell them?"

"Not yet, El. I'm not ready… I mean, your reaction was bad enough…"

He felt the guilt grind inside him at her words. The thought of everyone else reacting the same way he did, incensed him though. Let them just try saying anything about her in front of him! He would never let them disrespect her. He could feel his fingers curling into fists at the mere thought.

"OK," he said, nodding. "For now, it's just between us. Call them, Liv. Make an appointment. Insist they see you today. Don't let them fob you off."

"OK," she said grinning at his earnestness.

She managed to get the last appointment of the day – well technically they were full, but they had agreed to squeeze her in at the end. Relieved that her appointment was settled, Elliot asked her about the Jenny Foster case and she quickly filled him in on all the details.

"OK, I'll be back to pick you up at around five thirty," he said, getting to his feet once they had finished discussing the case. "If you need anything, just call me, OK?"

"OK," she replied, lifting her legs up onto the warm spot on the sofa where he had been sitting and sinking back against a cushion she had placed behind her against the arm rest.

"Let me get you a drink before I leave," he insisted.

"Just a little water," she begged. "I couldn't face anything else."

He brought a glass over and placed it down on the coffee table, pulling it closer so she could reach without having to sit up even.

"You rest, OK!" he instructed her. "I'll see you later!"

"Thanks, El," she said, smiling at him gratefully. He returned her smile briefly. Then he left.

…

He stared through the window, watching the child colouring, gathering his thoughts before he went in. She was seven years old, but looked at least a couple of years younger due to her small size. The most striking thing about her was her long blond hair. It had apparently never been cut before she had been taken into protection. Her carer had promptly seen that she had a trim to smarten up the ragged ends and now with her hair pinned back in two pigtails, it made her look completely different than she did in the picture Elliot had seen; the one that had been taken the day she had been removed from the hell hole she had been living in for the past seven years.

The full extent of her abuse was still coming to light. The physical injuries were mostly easy enough to recognise, thanks to X-rays and a thorough physical examination. It was still unclear if she had suffered any sexual abuse. The rape exam had thankfully come back negative, but that was no guarantee she hadn't been molested in some way. As for the emotional abuse, well everyone knew that it would be weeks, months, maybe even years before they could fully assess the damage that had been done to the young child. It was supposed to be the most natural thing in the world to love and protect your children. It turned his stomach that children like Jenny and many others were being abused behind closed doors, just waiting for someone to notice and help them.

Taking a deep breath, he entered the room.

"Hi, Jenny," he said. "I'm Elliot. I'm Olivia's friend."

"Where is Olivia?" the child asked, looking up from her drawing.

"She's not feeling too well," Elliot said simply. "So I'm going to talk to you today instead. Is that OK?"

"I guess," the child shrugged, returning her attention to her drawing.

"So what are you drawing?" Elliot asked.

"It's a bear," Jenny said.

"A bear? Do you like bears?"

She shrugged.

"Jenny, I want to ask you about your Mummy and Daddy."

He watched as the child visibly tensed in front of him. She was pressing the crayon so hard into the paper that it was leaving a thick dark line. She kept colouring over and over the same spot.

"Jenny," Elliot said gently. "What are you thinking about?"

"I miss them," she replied slowly.

Elliot nodded sadly. It was always heartbreaking to see cases like these, where the parents could do unspeakable things to their children, yet they still desperately continued to crave their love and acceptance. He'd only been in the room for a few minutes, but he was already desperate for a break. He could feel the anger swelling up inside him. How could anyone hurt this tiny sweet child? It was one of the worst aspects of his job and he hated it.

"I'll be right back Jenny," he said, knowing he needed a few minutes to calm himself down before continuing.

She nodded and he left the room, followed by her foster mother, who was concerned.

"How do you do it?" he asked, looking at the middle-aged woman. It was a serious question.

"These kids need someone," she replied solemnly. "Besides, I couldn't have kids of my own…"

"It's a fucked up world," Elliot sighed.

…

Later that day, as he drove to Olivia's he thought of Jenny's foster Mother and what she had said. It was a human instinct to want children. Of course Olivia would want them too. He had his first child when he was so young that he never really had the chance to wonder what life would be like without children in his life. He wondered how he would have felt; reaching his forties, no partner, time running out to make a family. How could he possibly judge her for doing what she had done? She deserved to be a Mother. She would be a wonderful one and the world needed people like her bringing children up. It suddenly occurred to him just how brave she really was. She had made the decision to bring a child into the world, to be his or her sole caregiver and take full responsibility. There was no one else to rely on. No grandparents, no husband, no extended family even, bar the half-brother she was barely in contact with.

As he pulled up outside her apartment he vowed to himself that he would do whatever he could to help her, assuming she wanted his help. He knew all too well how hard the journey into parenthood was. Like any new parent, she might think she knew what she was getting into now, but things were never quite what you expected them to be. She would be in for a few surprises and he was determined to be ready for her if and when she needed him.

…

"Are you sure you want me with you?" Elliot asked nervously.

"I'm sure, El!" she replied smiling.

"OK, if you say so," he replied.

Her doctor had decided she was dehydrated and wanted to hook her up to an IV while they waited for her urine and blood test results, but first he had offered to give her a quick ultrasound to check everything was going well.

The ultrasound machine in the clinic was a million times better than the one in the ER Olivia decided. It was certainly less fuzzy anyway. She wasn't overly keen on admitting that she really didn't have a clue what she was looking for exactly and she soon found her gaze shifting from the baffling monitor screen to her doctor's face, watching him carefully for any visual signs that might indicate whether everything was OK or not. So she saw the look on her doctor's face first and her heart immediately dropped into her stomach as she realised that obviously there was something very wrong. Her fears were heightened when she felt Elliot's hand reaching around hers, gripping her supportively. She couldn't look at the screen. She was terrified to. Looking would make it real. She clamped her eyes shut tightly. Her heart was pounding and the only coherent thought that ran through her head was the disbelief that anything could possibly be wrong given how sick she felt.

"Open your eyes, Liv." She heard him, but she couldn't. Then she realised she had no choice. Whatever it was, she knew she had to face it. Slowly she opened her eyes and fixed her gaze on the screen.

"Do you see?" Elliot asked excitedly.

She concentrated harder on what just looked like two big blobs to her and then suddenly she understood what it meant and her jaw literally dropped open in complete shock.

"Congratulations!" she heard her doctor say. "It seems you're expecting twins!"


	10. Chapter 10

10

"What?" she asked in shock. "How is that even possible?"

"I did explain there was a risk of a multiple pregnancy with the fertility medications we gave you," the doctor said calmly. Olivia imagined he was more than used to giving surprised women the news they were expecting more than one baby, given his line of work. He didn't seem perturbed at all.

"Yes, but I had a scan in the ER just over a week ago and they never mentioned anything about it," she argued.

"It's fairly common for a twin pregnancy to not be detected in very early scans. It's all down to the positioning of the embryos, not to mention our ultrasound machine is probably a lot more advanced than the one they have in the ER."

Olivia remained silent, trying to take it in. Twins was the last thing she had been expecting. It was true she had been warned that there was a higher chance of them given the interventions they were doing, but she had still never believed it was something that would actually happen to her. Things like this happened to other people. Then she looked at Elliot and realised maybe she had been naïve. He had twins himself. Things like that did happen to regular people after all. She just hadn't counted herself as being amongst them.

"It more than likely explains the increased morning sickness," her doctor added. "You're going to have to take it really easy Olivia. Your pregnancy is doubly high risk now, added to your age. I'm going to release you to your OBGYN early, as everything looks good so far, but they're going to want you to come in every couple of weeks or so more than likely. For now though, let's get you re-hydrated. If you follow the nurse she will set you up."

"Thank you doctor," Olivia mumbled. She was still in shock.

Elliot followed her quietly, but as soon as she had been hooked up to the IV and the nurse had left them alone, he spoke.

"Wow," he exclaimed. "Twins, huh? I might have guessed you wouldn't go into this Motherhood thing half-hearted."

"You can talk!" She grinned at him. He was hardly in a position to tease her. Then her expression suddenly grew serious.

"How am I going to do this, Elliot? How am I going to care for two babies? I had worked out I would just about be able to afford day care for one, but two? Not to mention the cost of the birth and all the prenatal care and everything. I can't afford not to work. I need the insurance for one."

"Shhh," he soothed. "It will work out, I promise. You don't have to plan everything right now."

She looked at him so sceptically it made him chuckle. He knew full well she would want everything finalised to the last detail before she could relax.

"OK," he acquiesced. "Look, maybe Cragen will give you some extended leave? You've more than earned some time off?"

"Maybe," she said unconvinced. A few days off was one thing, but a high-risk twin pregnancy could potentially call for months off and that was even before the babies were born. She sighed heavily.

"Liv, you're having two babies! It's amazing news. You're going to be a mommy of two!"

"Yeah," she said quietly. She should be excited. She was. It was such an amazing miracle. The only thing was she was also absolutely terrified about how everything was going to work, not to mention the crazy thoughts she was having about how on earth she would fit two babies into her uterus, what effect it would have on her body afterwards and worse...how they were going to come out!

She was suddenly overwhelmed by another wave of nausea and grabbed the bowl which had been placed beside her since she would be unable to move to the bathroom while she was hooked up to the IV. She cringed as she heaved into the bowl. Throwing up in front of her partner was definitely on her list of 'embarrassing activities'.

"You OK," he asked nervously, once she had finished and raised her head. She looked at him. He was watching her awkwardly, looking like he didn't quite know what to do with himself.

"You don't have to stay," she said. "This is going to take a while. I can call a cab."

"Don't be silly!" he said. "I'm going to make sure you get home safely. No arguments!"

She smiled.

…

Even though the nausea was still relentless, she had to admit the IV had made her feel a little better. She felt like she had slightly more energy. It was also a relief to know that her body had been given a proper balance of nutrients, which she knew her babies needed to grow. Given the extent of her nausea and inability to keep anything down, her doctor had reluctantly prescribed her an anti-emetic. He explained that no medication was one hundred percent safe during pregnancy, but that in this case he considered the benefits far outweighed the risks. She was sustaining two other lives after all and she needed sustenance. She was told that due to the high level of _ketones_ which had been detected in her urine, she would need to come in for fluids over the next few days until the level dropped. Hopefully the medication would help and she'd be able to keep some food down and things would start to get more manageable.

It was all so overwhelming. Elliot had driven her home and she had reluctantly invited him in for a coffee out of politeness. Luckily he had picked up on the fact that she was exhausted and wanted some time to think about everything alone and he had declined, telling her he would check on her the next day after work. The fights of the last few months almost seemed like a distant memory.

The following day she thought she felt a little better already, thanks to the medication. She managed to keep down her breakfast for a couple of hours and so far lunch had stayed put. It was great to feel food in her stomach again. The only disadvantage that came with feeling better was the boredom. She hated sitting around. She wanted to be back at work. She really didn't know what to do with herself. She played on the internet for a while, ordering a couple of books on twin pregnancies. It still didn't seem real. She half expected to receive a phone call from the clinic, informing her that it had all been a huge mistake and that in fact it was just one baby after all.

By the time evening came she was beyond frustrated. She wondered if Elliot would really come and check in on her like he had promised. She knew there was always the chance a case had come in, preventing him from leaving, although she suspected he would have at least called or sent her a text if that had been the case. Right on cue her phone beeped. She clicked onto the message. He was leaving the precinct now and said he would swing by the supermarket to pick up a few things for her and to let him know if there was anything specific she wanted. She quickly tapped out a grateful reply, listing the items she needed.

Once she had finished, she suddenly felt self-conscious. She was still in her pyjamas, not seeing the point in bothering to dress if she was going to be in all day. Thinking she had plenty of time, she decided to hop in the shower and make herself a bit more presentable. She was hoping she could convince him to hang around for a bit and entertain her. She was sick of her own company.

She dressed in a pair of slim blue jeans and a turquoise-green top that she dug out of the back of her drawer. It wasn't the sort of top she would consider wearing at work, as it showed a little more cleavage than she thought was generally advisable given the kind of scumbags she ran into day after day. However, it wasn't too over the top. It was enough to make her feel feminine. She thought she should make the most of appearing slim, for she could only imagine what she might look like in a couple of months. She placed her hands on her abdomen. It was so strange to think there were two little people in there. She wondered if they'd be girls, boys or maybe even one of each. She decided right then and there that she wouldn't be waiting. She wanted to know as soon as the doctor's could tell her. She wanted to decide on names and prepare as well as she could.

She returned to the living room, picking up a few bits and pieces here and there in an attempt to make the place look a bit tidier. A quick glance at her watch told her that he should be arriving any minute now, although it depended on how long he spent at the supermarket of course.

Five minutes later she heard the door chime and she let him in.

"Hey," he greeted her. She felt a little self-conscious as she felt his eyes give her a quick once over. "You look nice," he added.

Blushing nervously and ignoring the compliment she grabbed one of the shopping bags from him and they headed towards the kitchen to put the groceries away.

"How was your day?" she asked.

"It was fine. I've mostly just been going over the medical reports on the Jenny Foster case."

"It's a difficult one," she said sympathetically. She knew he wasn't finding it easy.

"Let's not talk about work," he sighed. "How are you, anyway? Are you feeling any better?"

"I am actually. These meds must be working. I kept down lunch!"

"Wow, that's great," he said chuckling.

"And I've been trying to get used to the idea there are two in there."

"It takes a while," he said thoughtfully. "In fact I'm not sure I completely believed it until Kathy gave birth and suddenly there were these two screaming infants to take care of."

"Was it really hard?" she asked tentatively.

"I won't lie. It wasn't easy, but you know I was working. Kathy had her Mother come and stay for a few months to help out. Once they got into a routine and started sleeping better at night it wasn't so bad. When they got older they played together a lot and in some ways it was easier. With the older two, it felt like they needed constant entertaining, but the twins pretty much entertained themselves."

Olivia was silent. She didn't have a Mother to ask to come and help out. She would have to do it completely alone. Elliot must have guessed her thoughts.

"I'll help when I can, Liv," he said suddenly. "I know this is going to be hard for you alone."

"Thanks," she said. She wasn't really sure how much she could possibly rely on him though. He worked full time and they weren't even his children. How could she possibly ask him to do much? It wouldn't be fair.

"Have you thought about when you're going to tell the Captain?"

She sighed. That was another task she wasn't looking forward to. She dreaded all the inevitable questions. Not to mention the fact that Cragen was probably going to be put out about all the time off she was likely to need.

"Liv, I think you should tell him sooner rather than later. You need to take it easy. You shouldn't be putting yourself in any danger."

"I know, but it's still so early. I'd rather wait a few more weeks until I'm in the second trimester at least.

"I'm only talking about the Captain; not the whole department."

"Maybe you're right. I'll think about it."

"Good."

"You never know, this might work out well: they might pair you up with someone young and hot," she joked.

"Right," he said moodily, shifting his gaze to glare at the floor, making her suddenly feel very awkward. She had only intended to make a joke out of the situation. Perhaps he had misinterpreted it as a dig about the time he had been given a temporary partner while she was undercover?

"It was just a joke," she said.

"Hilarious!" he snapped. It took her aback. She hadn't been expecting him to be so sensitive about the issue.

"You hungry?" she asked, in an attempt to change the subject.

"Not really," he replied. "Maybe I should get going?"

"Do you have to?"

He looked at her, seeing the genuine confusion in her eyes. He knew he shouldn't take it out on her. It wasn't her fault she didn't feel the same way about him as he did about her.

"I guess I am a little," he said softly, the anger already dissipating.

"Then stay for dinner," she invited him.

"OK," he agreed.


	11. Chapter 11

11

_6 weeks later_

At fourteen weeks the morning sickness had started to subside and she was feeling significantly better. A tiny bump had already started to protrude and she was resorting to looser fitting tops to avoid speculation, since she was definitely at that 'is it pregnancy or just weight gain?' stage. A week ago she had told Captain Cragen and although his reaction had been one of shock, he had congratulated her and promised her she wouldn't be penalised for any extended time off that she needed due to her pregnancy. He had wanted to put her straight onto restricted duty then and there but she had begged and pleaded with him to be allowed a few more weeks. He had reluctantly agreed. All that was left was to tell the team.

Everyone had been surprised. Munch had been the most vocal, but even he hadn't asked the question she knew must have been burning at the back of all of their minds. At one point she had considered just telling them the truth, but Elliot had convinced her that it was really none of their business and she was under no compulsion to divulge the personal details of her life to the masses. So she had decided not to mention it and just leave people to wonder and make up their own minds about her situation. Really the only people whose opinions she really cared about were the Captain and Elliot. She knew Fin was very laid back and would never judge her. Munch might, but then he judged pretty much everything anyway.

Right now they were all at their desks filling out paperwork or researching the backgrounds on some of the people they were dealing with in their current cases. Every so often she would stand to stretch her legs and inevitably once she did she would end up heading towards the bathroom. The frequent need to pee was one of the less glamorous aspects of pregnancy, but she didn't mind in the least. It was really a small price to pay, she had decided. Of course she had read the testimonies of other twin mothers online who had cheerfully informed her that if she thought it was bad now, just wait a few more weeks.

"You know, I could move your desk in there, if you like?" Elliot said suddenly just as she started to head towards the bathroom one more time.

"Ha ha," she said giving him a look that she hoped would let him know exactly what she thought of his teasing. He grinned at her and despite her irritation she couldn't help but return it.

Elliot stood himself. She assumed to get a coffee.

When she returned, she headed over to the drinks corner to grab a glass of water. Elliot was perched against the side, holding a fresh cup of coffee.

"You want one?" he offered.

"No thanks," she replied, indicating her glass of water.

"Let's take a break upstairs, anyway," he suggested. She agreed.

There was no one up there, so they sank into the empty chairs, enjoying the few moments of relative peace while they sipped at their respective drinks, mostly chatting about the cases they were currently working on. They heard heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and the voices of a couple of guys who were lower down in the pecking order of the SVU unit.

"You know she's knocked up, right?"

"What, Benson? She's been banging someone? I thought she was way too uptight for that?"

A couple of seconds later the men appeared, immediately noticing that Olivia and Elliot were sitting there and realising they had no doubt heard their comments.

Humiliated, Olivia wished she could shrink into her chair and just disappear from the room. Normally she'd be fighting back, but the comments had strangely hit home, for of course she hadn't been 'banging' anyone. Did people really think she was uptight? She knew she was respected as a tough cop, but did it translate into her personal life too? Was that the reason she was single? Did she scare men away?

Elliot was fuming. He had clenched his fists, a tell-tale sign that he was on the verge of exploding. She gently laid a hand on his arm, warning him to let it go, but he pulled away, getting to his feet and stepping towards the two men threateningly.

"You need to learn to keep your mouths shut," he snarled angrily, through clenched teeth.

"Hey man, sorry, didn't see you guys there," one of the guys started saying, raising his hands in mock surrender.

It only served to fuel Elliot's anger. Olivia knew he was close to losing it and was worried he might actually hit one of them.

"El!" she said firmly, linking her arm in his, trying to pull him away.

"Perhaps it isn't such a mystery, after all," the same guy said, grinning at Elliot infuriatingly, making it very clear that he was implying something was going on between him and Olivia.

Elliot stepped even closer, his fist drawn ready.

"Elliot!" Olivia said again. "Please! Just let it go!"

He turned to look at her and the second he saw the genuine pleading in her eyes, he relaxed. However he leaned in so close, that she couldn't hear exactly what he said to them, although she could pretty much guess.

They went back downstairs and sank down into their seats behind their desks.

With the incident over and the subsequent fall in adrenaline, she suddenly found herself feeling like she was about to cry. The fact there were people who were supposed to be on the same team as her, gossiping about her, assuming things and essentially thinking badly of her, was upsetting. Then there was the way Elliot had immediately leapt to her defence while she had just sat there doing nothing. She was grateful for his unquestioning support, but she worried he had changed the way he thought about her now that she was pregnant. She was afraid he no longer thought she could handle things and the way the tears were pricking at her eyes right now, maybe he was right?

She headed to the bathroom. She needed to get a grip.

Ten minutes later she went straight back to her desk, trying not to think about the fact that he had obviously been anxiously awaiting her return, since he had been staring at the door to the bathroom when she had emerged.

"Liv," he whispered. "You OK?"

She nodded vehemently. She wished he would just drop it. The whole thing was infinitely embarrassing.

"They're arseholes," he muttered.

"I've got work to do," she replied.

…

Later, once their shift was over, he followed her downstairs and as soon as they were out of ear shot of everyone else, he told her he insisted on taking her out for dinner to 'cheer her up'.

"El, I'm tired," she said.

"We won't stay out late," he argued. "Come on. Once the babies arrive you won't be able to go out like this, so enjoy it while you can."

"Fine," she agreed, "but I can't promise I'll be very good company."

"That's OK," he said.

"So where do you want to go?"

"What do you want to eat? Italian?"

"Sure."

With the cuisine decided they both automatically started heading towards "Il Tavolo" which was the closest Italian restaurant within their budgets to the precinct and so their usual choice.

There were a few people waiting for a table already, but the staff didn't think it would be long, so they decided to wait, ordering a couple of drinks in the meantime.

"I miss wine," Olivia grumbled as she sipped at her orange juice.

"It won't be long before you can have one again," Elliot said.

"It won't be for a while. I plan to breastfeed."

"What twins? Are you nuts?"

"Er, no actually," she replied crossly. "I've been reading up about it and most women can successfully nurse twins, even triplets."

"Hey, it's your decision! I just think you should keep an open mind and not get so set on something like that."

"What are you saying? You don't think I will be able to cope?"

"No, I'm not saying that at all. It's just Kathy found it easier to give them formula on a strict feeding schedule and it worked well, that's all."

"Well I'm not Kathy, am I?" she snapped.

"Look, I'm sorry OK. Obviously it's nothing to do with me." He sounded pissed off himself now.

"I know I hardly know anything compared to you about raising kids, but surely no one does at first? Don't I have the right to find my own path?"

"For goodness sake, Olivia, I'm not telling you how to raise your kids. I'm just giving you some advice based on my own experiences. It's up to you whether you take it or not."

"Fine," she snapped. He was so infuriating. Just because he had a truckload of children, he thought he knew it all.

"Liv, please, I don't want to fight. Let's just enjoy the meal, OK?"

"You're the one who started it."

"Oh it's like that is it," he said, suddenly grinning at her. She was frustrated with herself to find herself grinning back at him, but the air had already cleared and things felt somewhat normal again.

They were called to their table soon after and quickly ordered their favourites: a four cheese pizza and a meat sauce pasta to share. Elliot enjoyed eating out with Olivia. They always got a couple of dishes to share, unlike Kathy who had always insisted they choose their own dishes.

He wished he'd been more supportive about her announcement of her plan to breastfeed. To be honest it wasn't really a subject he was all that versed in. Given the era, Kathy had used formula with Maureen without even a second thought. After Kathleen was born she had tried nursing her for a couple of weeks, but ultimately had switched to what she knew best and there had been no question about it after the twins were born. He hadn't even realised that nursing two babies was even possible. He couldn't imagine it would be easy, but then again given the fact it was twins, nothing was going to be simple anyway. He had had visions of helping her out, even offering to do the odd night feed for her, but he realised that if she was going to be nursing, he wouldn't be able to do that for her. The woman was so damn independent sometimes, it infuriated him. He deeply admired her determination though.

They stayed clear of the subject of her pregnancy while they ate. He wanted to mention it, apologise for making her feel like he was mocking her decisions, but he was nervous about inadvertently upsetting her again by saying the wrong thing, so he didn't say anything. The food was as good as always and by the time they had finished their meal, she seemed in a much better mood.

"Do you want a dessert?" he asked, knowing how much she adored the chocolate profiteroles the place offered.

"I don't know," she said. "I haven't eaten anything so sweet lately what with the nausea and everything. I don't want to push it."

"OK, I guess we should get going then?" he said, a little disappointed that the evening was coming to an end so soon.

"I guess," she agreed.

They asked for the check, paid and were soon outside the restaurant, surprised to see that it had started raining.

"Damn, I didn't think to bring an umbrella!" she exclaimed.

"We'll have to make a run for it," he said. "Here," he grabbed her hand. "Can't have you tripping over in your condition," he added, making her wonder why he always felt the need to legitimately explain away any physical contact they made.

They hurried as quickly as they could towards her apartment, but halfway there the steady rain turned into a regular downpour and when they arrived they were completely drenched from head to foot. Laughing they slipped inside, seeing how their sodden clothes literally dripped water onto the clean floor of the foyer.

"You'd better come up and dry off," she invited him.

"Are you sure, you said you were tired," he said cautiously.

"Eating seems to have given me a second wind."

"Well OK then."

Once inside, she fetched a couple of towels and handed one to him and he tried to dry himself off as best as he could.

"If you take your clothes off, I'll put them in the dryer," she offered.

He removed his top and handed it to her, seemingly not shy at all about his bare chest.

"What about your pants?" she asked nervously. Seeing him there naked from the waist up was reminding her of feelings she was trying her best to keep buried.

"He wrapped the towel around his lower body and awkwardly managed to remove his trousers. He kept his sodden pants on and she was too embarrassed to enquire after those and decided it would be sufficient to allow his body heat to dry those out. Then she disappeared into her bedroom to get changed herself.

When she returned, she sank down on the sofa beside him and asked him if he wanted to watch a movie or something while his clothes dried. He agreed and she flicked through the channels until they found something they were happy with.

As the movie went on, she found herself almost regretting it. It was an exceptionally emotional drama that had her either on the edge of her seat or in tears from start to finish. A short way into the movie she had felt him slip his arm behind her, resting it on the back of the sofa. Then she had found herself leaning towards him during a particularly teary scene. He had noticed her tears, lowered his arm, placing it gently around her shoulders supportively. Lulled by the emotions generated by the movie, she found herself leaning into him slightly. She could feel his arm tightening around her and after that she had been too nervous to move. They had stayed in that position for the remainder of the movie, neither wanting to pull away, but neither making any move to further the tentative contact.

When the movie was over, she reluctantly sat up and he removed his arm. Neither mentioned it. They were friends. The movie was emotional and they had just been reacting to that, she decided.

He mumbled something about it being late. She retrieved his clothes for him and he quickly put them on. Then they said goodnight.

Not long later, as she climbed into bed and snuggled down under her covers she found her mind kept returning to how good it had felt having his arm around her as they sat, virtually snuggled up on the sofa together. It scared her. He was her partner and that relationship meant everything to her. She couldn't let her feelings ruin that.


	12. Chapter 12

12

_Three weeks later_

_(17 weeks pregnant)_

"Police!" she yelled, reaching for her weapon automatically. The suspect, a white male in his late twenties, was half way across the parking lot when she had spotted him and she hoped he wouldn't decide to make a run for it. Elliot had slipped round the side of the building briefly to check it out, when the guy had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, taking her completely by surprise. She was certain it was the guy they were looking for, due to the distinctive hair cut he was sporting and the fact he was wearing the exact same clothes that the victim had described when recounting her attack earlier that day. She knew Elliot would hear her yelling and come as quickly as he could, but if the suspect ran, he would have a considerable head start. Looking across the parking lot back towards her and seeing how far away she was, the guy decided to try his luck and he took off quickly. It was too far to make a clear shot and with no time to even think, she started running after him.

"Liv!" she heard Elliot calling from a little way behind, letting her know he was coming. She knew he was concerned about her and she wanted to yell back and reassure him she was fine, but instead she focused on saving her breath for the chase. The ideal situation would be for her to keep after him and Elliot to try and take a short cut somewhere along the way and cut the guy off. However, she could feel herself tiring already and wasn't sure how much longer she could keep running at this pace. She was fit and healthy and still working out gently, but she quickly realised she had obviously underestimated the impact the twin pregnancy was actually having on her body.

Elliot caught up with her quickly but by the time he reached her, she had already slowed down considerably. She couldn't see the suspect anywhere. It was dark and she knew he could be hiding somewhere close by or while out of sight he could have fled in any direction.

"Where'd he go?" Elliot asked breathlessly as he reached her side. She knew he must have run absolutely flat out to get to her this fast.

"I don't know," she replied frustrated with both the situation and her own limitations.

"Weren't you watching where he went?" Elliot snapped. "We had him, Liv. We had the bastard. Now he knows we're after him, he'll be in the wind. "

"I'm sorry," she replied. "I didn't see where he went."

"Damn it." He glanced around but couldn't see any sign of the guy either.

"We'll get him eventually," she said. "He's not the brightest candle on the cake is he? I mean he was hanging about only a couple of blocks away from where he attacked her."

She watched as Elliot leaned over and coughed deeply, his hands on his knees. He was still trying to catch his breath.

"Isn't it time you took Cragen's advice anyway," he said suddenly raising his head and looking at her sharply. His words hit her hard as she realised he was obviously completely blaming her for the suspect's escape.

"Hey, it's not my fault," she said firmly. "He had a huge head start."

"Maybe, but even so, you obviously aren't in any condition to be running after dangerous criminals."

"I'm fine, El," she sighed. She hated showing any sign of 'weakness.' She was pregnant, not an invalid. She could still do her job, yet he seemed to think she needed to be wrapped up in cotton wool or something.

"You know full well, if it were anyone else you would be on desk duty. It's only because you have Cragen wrapped around your little finger that he's letting you out like this."

"What?" she gasped incensed at what he was suggesting.

"You heard me."

"You're so out of order!"

"Oh come off it Olivia. You know as well as I do, that you shouldn't be out here. You're a liability! Well I've had it. Either you speak to Cragen and request to go on restricted duty or I will talk to him and tell him what just happened here."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Try me!"

The glare she gave him made him somewhat nervous, but he didn't care. He couldn't stand by while she put her and her children's lives in danger any more. All it would need was one crazy perp and anything could happen. He couldn't believe Cragen had allowed this to go on as long as it had. As much as he loved working with her, he would rather sacrifice that than see anything untoward happen to her. He knew she would be furious if he made good on his threat, but if he could get her to see sense and stop trying to pretend she was superwoman, then it would be more than worth it.

_Back at the precinct, later that day_

"Did you talk to him?" he asked her. Their shift was nearly over and they'd be thinking about leaving soon.

"He's not available for the rest of the day," she replied coldly. "I'll talk to him tomorrow."

"Good," he replied.

She didn't respond, but instead started tidying her desk, obviously getting ready to leave for the day.

He sighed. He hadn't wanted to come down so hard on her, but he was genuinely worried. He hoped she would understand that and not stay mad at him for too long.

"You want to grab something to eat?" he asked her.

"No, I'm tired," she replied curtly.

"Liv, I'm sorry, OK." He wasn't sorry for his insistence, for he believed he was right, but he was sorry that it had upset her.

The glare she gave him just before she left let him know she wasn't ready to forgive him just yet.

…

The next day she was already there when he arrived at work. She was busy discussing something or other with Fin and looked like she might have been there a while.

"Morning," he said as he approached his desk.

"Morning," replied Fin. She didn't even lift her head to acknowledge him.

He looked at Fin for sympathy, but his colleague just shook his head, in a 'don't involve me' kind of a way. Sighing he reached for the report at the top of the pile on his desk. Now he'd had time to think and go over everything, he wished he had handled things differently, maybe not been quite so forceful about the whole subject of her working.

A while later, after flashing him a look that he thought might actually embody the phrase 'if looks could kill'; she disappeared into Cragen's office. When she returned around ten minutes later, she headed straight towards him, plunking herself down in her chair heavily.

"Happy now?" she said coldly.

"Liv, don't be like this."

"Like what exactly? Upset because my partner thinks I can't do my job or pissed off because he thinks he has a right to tell me what's best for me and my babies?"

Elliot cringed. He knew Fin and Munch could hear every word and he knew that in retrospect she would hate it.

He got to his feet and stepped close to her. "Come with me," he hissed in her ear, grasping her arm and pulling her upwards.

Taken aback, she complied and he led her out of the bullpen heading towards the crib, where he hoped they could talk in private.

Once they arrived, he closed the door behind him. She stood facing him, her arms crossed, a pissed-off look on her face.

"Look, I'm sorry," he said heavily. "I'm just worried about you - that's all."

"Well don't be," she said, but he could see her expression had already softened considerably.

"Are we going to be OK?" he asked uneasily.

"Desk duty was inevitable anyway," she sighed. She knew he was only concerned about her and she couldn't hate him for that. It was irritating though, for while giving chase she had acutely realised her limitations and had decided that perhaps it was time to talk to Cragen about going off active duty. Then Elliot had started threatening her needlessly and now he would assume that she was acting in response to his insistence whereas the reality was she had already come to the decision herself.

"You know, I was going to talk to the Captain anyway," she added softly. "I knew the second I started that chase it was time."

"You did?

"Yes. See despite your scepticism, I am actually capable of making decisions about what's best for me and my babies."

"I know you are," he said, his head lowered. "As I said, I'm sorry… but you can be so stubborn sometimes."

"Yeah I know," she acquiesced.

"I guess we'd better get back before they send in a search party," he said, satisfied that things were going to be OK between them now.

"I guess," she agreed.

_A few days later_

If there was one thing that Olivia knew for certain, it was that things could drastically change in any single moment. One minute she was laughing with Elliot over something trivial, the next she was in the bathroom feeling like her world had just stopped. It was only a tiny bit of blood really, but it terrified her all the same. She could hardly think and she certainly couldn't stop her mind imagining the worst. She knew she needed to get to the hospital immediately but she was petrified. She placed a pad between her legs, and wondered how she was going to face the ordeal of seeing anyone on her way out. Suddenly she wanted him there with her so desperately that the intensity of her feelings astounded her. In that moment she didn't care what he thought or whether it was inappropriate to feel the way she did, or even about the fact that they were at work and the sensible thing to do would be just to slip out and go and get checked out on her own, rather than drag him away from his post. Instead, she reached for her phone in her pocket and she dialled his number.

"Liv!?" came the surprised reply. She couldn't blame him. He knew she had just popped out to the bathroom.

"What's wrong?" he asked urgently.

"Can you come out here?" she asked him, her voice shaking with emotion. She knew she was a stone's throw from breaking down completely.

"Sure," he replied instantly. A few seconds later, she heard a knock on the bathroom door and she opened it. He was standing there, a look of pure concern on his face and impulsively she leant into him, feeling his arms immediately lock around her comfortingly.

"What on earth's happened?" he asked alarmed.

"I'm bleeding," she managed to stammer. "I need to go to the hospital."

"OK," he replied, his face paling at her revelation. "I'll take you. Come on."

"What about Cragen? We can't just leave in the middle of a shift!?"

"I'll call him on our way out to the car," he said.

"El, I'm so scared," she whispered desperately.

"Come on. It's going to be OK," he comforted her. With his arm still wrapped tightly around her he led her down the back stairs towards the car, dialling Cragen's number as they walked.

"Captain? It's Liv, she's suddenly started bleeding… I'm taking her to the hospital… No time… Yes OK… Yes, I will… Thanks Captain."

He replaced his phone in his pocket and told Olivia that the Captain had given them permission to take the rest of the day off and to be sure to let him know what was happening as soon as they could.

He drove as quickly as he could. Neither spoke. His hand never left hers the whole way to the hospital.


	13. Chapter 13

13

Time seemed to be literally crawling by. She had been ushered into a cubicle a while ago and ordered to lie down and wait for the on-call OBGYN to arrive. Apparently he had been called to another emergency but she was reassured he would be with her as soon as possible. Everything about the place, the artificial lighting, the sounds, the oppressive heat, the distinctive smell of disinfectant; it all served to make her feel extremely uneasy. Naturally the worst-case scenario was at the forefront of her mind and she was fully aware that the only thing keeping her remotely grounded was the fact that Elliot was sitting there beside her. The last thing she wanted to do was completely fall apart in front of him… although she wasn't convinced she wouldn't.

It was strange how much she wanted him there yet at the same time she didn't. Her immediate reaction when she had seen the blood had been to reach for her phone and call him, but it had been out of pure instinct. She hadn't thought it through properly. Now that the initial shock had worn off slightly and she found herself starting to prepare to hear bad news, she started to feel nervous about his presence and what it would mean for them. She knew he would be sympathetic, probably offer to drive her home, even insist on hanging around for a while and tell her she could talk about it if she wanted, even though it was probably the last thing he wanted to do. She would thank him and tell him she was fine like usual and he would leave, grateful to get away, glad for the excuse to try and pretend that everything was going to be back to normal soon. She knew he cared about her, but she was still scared and apprehensive at the thought of him really seeing her, really seeing just how much she knew she would be affected if this ended the way she feared it would.

The anxiety that things would go wrong at any moment was all-consuming. After years of longing for a child, then months of invasive fertility treatments, she sometimes still found it difficult to believe it was all real. Recently, as her abdomen had started to protrude outwards more and more and she had felt the first weak fluttering of movements, she had finally started to dare believe that in a few months she would really be a Mother. Now this had happened and it was a sharp jolt back down to reality: a reality that had time and time again proved that good things just didn't happen to her. She reproached herself for allowing herself to let her guard down like she had. She should have known better than to get her hopes up.

She knew that in order to protect herself emotionally, she should probably ask him to leave. Having him stay was just going to make everything so much harder to deal with. She had enough on her mind at the thought of possibly losing her beautiful babies, but adding the emotional rollercoaster of her relationship with her partner to the mix was just too much. She didn't want to have to expend the energy holding back and numbing her reaction to whatever news she was given in order to protect him and to prevent him from seeing his partner crumble, to convince him that she was OK when she really wasn't. She knew she would fall apart and she couldn't do that to him. At the same time though, she wanted him there. She had never felt so confused and alone.

"Liv," he said, startling her. She had been so lost in her own thoughts.

"It's going to be OK. Bleeding is common with twins. It happened to Kathy too."

She looked up at him a stab of hope suddenly filling her heart. Then she remembered she wasn't supposed to be getting her hopes up. She was supposed to be preparing herself mentally for the inevitable.

"Liv, let's just wait for the doctor before assuming anything, OK?"

She nodded but she knew he wasn't fooled. She awkwardly raised her left hand to her face to wipe away the stray tears that had seeped out despite her efforts to hold them back.

She felt his hand reaching for and gripping hers. It was warm and she found her fingers tightening around his instinctively, even though part of her brain screamed at her to pull away, to protect herself, to protect him. She blinked hard. She needed to pull herself together, find the strength to hold it together until she could be alone. With his hand in hers though, it made her just want to fall into his arms, bury herself deep within them and stay there. She couldn't do that though. This definitely wasn't the time to be pushing the boundaries of their friendship.

…

The doctor arrived shortly afterwards and immediately started to ask her what had happened leading up to the bleeding. Once he had satisfied himself with the details she was able to provide, he explained that he wanted to do an abdominal ultrasound and an internal examination, starting with the latter.

"I'll wait outside?" Elliot whispered in her ear. She nodded and reluctantly loosened her grip on his hand to allow him to leave.

The examination was quick. Elliot returned just as they were rubbing the lubricating jelly over her abdomen in preparation for the ultrasound. As always she flinched slightly at the coolness as it touched her sensitive skin. The nurse had pulled her loose fitting pants down a little and for a second she was mortified at the thought that she would go too far and expose her in front of Elliot, but thankfully she stopped at the level of her underwear. Then she forgot all about it, for with the wand over her belly, it was literally seconds before the babies appeared on the screen, first one and then the other, both their hearts beating away. The realisation that they were both alive and well brought fresh tears to her eyes.

"They're OK?" she asked incredulously, hardly daring to believe her eyes.

"Everything looks great," the doctor confirmed.

"My babies…" She exhaled the relief flooding her. She felt Elliot taking and squeezing her hand supportively once again.

"I examined your cervix Olivia and thankfully there don't seem to have been any changes. It's still thick and long. We are awaiting the results of your fetal fibronectin test and the urine and vaginal swabs. They should all be back in under an hour. To be honest though I think it's highly unlikely you're in pre-term labour, which is fantastic news. It's possible you have an infection though which may have irritated your cervix, causing the bleeding. You'll need antibiotics if that's the case. Unfortunately though bleeding in pregnancy is common and there's not always an obvious explanation."

"They're OK," she repeated still dazed. "My babies are OK?"

"Yes," repeated the doctor. "However, I have to recommend you stay on complete bed-rest for the immediate future – certainly until the bleeding stops and then we can re-evaluate the situation.

"Bed rest?" she echoed horrified.

"I know it sounds scary at first, but many women go through weeks, even months of bed rest and they deliver healthy babies, often at term."

"I can't work?"

"Definitely not! You need to take it extremely easy. You need to stay lying down as much as possible, really only getting up to use the bathroom. You'll need to have someone at home to help out with meals and household chores and things." He looked pointedly at Elliot as he spoke. "If you think that will be difficult, then it might be best to have you stay in the hospital," he added.

"Stay here?" she muttered miserably.

"Look, take some time to think about it. I will be back when your results come back, but you need to know how serious this is. It does look like things are stable for now, but we want it to stay that way."

She nodded, the gravity of her doctor's tone scaring her.

Once he left Elliot sank back down into the chair beside her bed.

"See," he said smiling. "I told you everything would be OK."

"But, hospitalization?" she exclaimed. "I'm not even 18 weeks. I have months to go yet."

"You heard the doctor. It's just until the bleeding stops. It'll probably only be a few days, a couple of weeks at most. It's for your babies, Liv. It'll be worth it."

"I know that, but I just wasn't expecting something like this, certainly not so soon anyway."

"Liv, look I know how much you hate hospitals. Let me talk to Cragen, see if I can work something out with my work schedule. Let me help you out. Then you can stay at home, in your own apartment."

"I couldn't possibly ask you to do that!" she replied immediately, although part of her was slightly hopeful. After all how much help would she really need? She could even order take-outs or look into some kind of food delivery service. It might be manageable without needing to rely on him all that much.

"Why do you say that?" he asked shaking his head in exasperation. "When are you going to get the fact that I am here for you Olivia. We're partners aren't we? Why can't you let me just help you out without feeling like you're a burden or you don't deserve it or something?"

Slightly embarrassed she looked away.

"Let me help you, OK? I want to help you."

She returned her gaze to his face and immediately recognised just how sincere he was.

"OK," she nodded. "If you really don't mind, I'd be really grateful."

"It's settled then," he said, smiling.

…

An hour later she was told she had a UTI which had taken her completely by surprise. She had thought the increased urination she had been experiencing was purely down to the pregnancy. She hadn't even considered a urinary tract infection. She didn't normally tend to suffer from them. She hadn't noticed her slightly raised body temperature either which had earned her an exasperated look from Elliot.

He ordered her onto the sofa as soon as they reached her apartment, fetched a blanket for her legs, a glass of water and handed her the TV remote and a box of tissues.

"Do you need anything else?" he asked, crouching down beside her.

She shook her head, attempting to stifle the yawn, but not quite succeeding. She was thoroughly exhausted after everything.

"Are you sure you are OK here?" he asked, wondering if she wouldn't actually be more comfortable in bed if she was going to fall asleep.

"This is fine, thanks. I'll watch some TV."

"I'll be as quick as I can," he told her. He planned to pop into the precinct to talk to the Captain and then swing by his apartment to pick up some things. Olivia had tried to convince him that she would be fine overnight without him, but he had insisted, ultimately gaining her assent when he threatened to take her back to the hospital if she continued to refuse. He was determined to follow the doctor's advice to the letter and he would diligently see to it that she properly rest, even if it killed him.

"I'll be fine, El," she told him again.

"OK, OK," he grinned. "I'll see you in a short while then. Make sure you stay put!"

"Yes, Doctor," she said teasingly. Throwing her a warning look, he left, smiling to himself.

…

"Thank goodness she and the babies are OK!" Cragen said his relief obvious. Elliot wondered if Olivia was truly aware just how much people genuinely cared about her welfare.

"She's on bed rest until further notice," Elliot informed his boss. "She's not supposed to get up at all, not even to make meals, nothing. In fact they wanted her to stay in the hospital when they found out she had no one at home to help out. You know how she feels about hospitals, so I said I'd talk to you and hopefully we'd be able to work something out so that I can keep an eye on her and help out so she can stay in her own apartment."

"It's not going to be easy if we get a sudden case in though, Elliot," Cragen warned him.

"I know, but maybe Munch or Fin can help out occasionally too if I'm tied up. I wanted to ask your permission to swing by hers at lunch times and again in the evening if we're working late."

"Of course you have it, but we can't predict what's going to come in – you know that."

"I know, but I want to try and do this for her. If it proves impossible, then she'll just have to go into the hospital, I guess."

"Understood," Cragen sighed. He often wondered about his two detectives. Sometimes they seemed just a little too close than was appropriate, but they were such a formidable team when they worked together that he just couldn't bring himself to separate them. As far as he was aware they had never acted on their feelings or even admitted them to themselves let alone to each other. It was frustrating, for while to him and everyone else in the office it was patently clear that these two were definitely more emotionally involved than 'just friends,' so many years had passed now that Cragen thought maybe nothing ever would change between them. It was certainly to his advantage as a Captain, for he could keep them both working together, but as their friend he was frustrated that they didn't just admit their feelings and recognise that they meant so much more to each other than they pretended.

"Thanks Captain," Elliot said. Cragen nodded. This whole situation with her surprise pregnancy was such a mess in his eyes. She had told him the whole story and while he had been careful not to show any signs of negative judgement, he had really felt like banging their heads together. Things could have been so different. Still if this pregnancy was what she wanted and she was happy, who was he to say otherwise? He couldn't help but wonder what it would mean for the pair of them long-term though.

**Thank you so much for the reviews. I'm really enjoying writing this. I have a busy week ahead with work, but am hoping to still find the time to write and keep posting regularly, although it probably won't be every day like it has been recently. **


	14. Chapter 14

14

Three weeks later

_20 weeks pregnant_

Olivia placed her cards down with a triumphant "yes!"

"This games sucks!" Elliot complained grumpily.

"You're only saying that because you're losing," she retorted, smirking slightly. She had won the last five games in a row and watching Elliot get progressively more and more sulky as the game went on was as much fun as she'd had in weeks. Not that it said anything much for her life right now. Bed rest was driving her crazy. Elliot had a day off today and she had begged him to come over and entertain her. She told him she was thoroughly sick of watching TV, even having it on in the background, hence the resort to card games. She had been sceptical when he had first suggested it, but her newly discovered tendency towards winning had made it unexpectedly entertaining.

"How about we give up on cards and just talk or something," Elliot suggested, throwing down the remainder of his cards onto the coffee table which he had dragged next to the sofa so as she could reach easily from her position.

"We could play Poker?" she suggested, a twinkle in her eye.

"Strip?" he said grinning teasingly.

Her indignant glare drew a chuckle from him and he stood from his position on the floor beside her and went to the kitchen to grab another can of beer as he had not long finished his last one. He didn't normally drink at this time of the day, but it was the weekend and she had told him she had some in the fridge and so he had thought why not?

"I guess we could play strip poker…" she said as he returned from the kitchen, almost making him spit the mouthful of beer he had just taken right back out again.

"You really are bored, aren't you?!" he exclaimed.

"The look on your face just then was priceless!" she said laughing.

He chuckled too.

"I'm hungry," she announced, changing the subject completely.

"You not long ate!"

"So?"

"You should watch your weight gain you know, too much can be bad."

He ducked, only narrowly avoiding the pillow that she flung at his head.

"What do you want to eat then?" he asked her.

"I don't know."

"Well that's great. Am I supposed to just guess?"

"Yup."

"Hmm, let's see. You fancy some pizza or something like that?"

"You know what I really want…?" she said wistfully. "It's to go out and get some food somewhere. I'm sick to death of my sofa and my bed."

"I know," he said, his tone turning serious. "But it might not be for much longer, Liv. Your appointment is tomorrow, remember?"

"What if I have to stay like this for the rest of the pregnancy though?" she asked dejectedly. "I don't think I'll cope. I'll die of boredom long before my due date."

"You'll get through it if you have to, but let's just see what the doctor says tomorrow, OK?"

Olivia sighed heavily. It was hard. She would do anything for her babies, even spend the rest of the pregnancy on her back if that was what was necessary, but that didn't make the reality of it any easier to deal with.

"How about I pop out and get you some of that chocolate ice cream you can't stop eating lately?" he suggested.

"Ooooh... Yes please! That would be great!" She grinned, the sheer mention of chocolate having the effect he had guessed it might.

"OK," he said grabbing his coat which he had flung on the back of a chair. "I'll be back soon."

"Don't take too long!" she said. She watched him cross the room and reach for the door handle.

"Hey El," she called, waiting until he spun around to look right at her. "Thanks for everything."

"You're welcome, Liv," he smiled.

…

After thirty minutes she began to wonder what was taking him so long. By the time another twenty minutes had passed she was starting to worry. She had tried calling him but had immediately been met with the sound of ringing on the floor beside the sofa, informing her that he had gone and left his cell phone behind. The store was only a ten minute walk away. Something must be holding him up. Maybe one of his kids had called? But then she rebuked herself for being an idiot since she had just established that he didn't have his phone with him. It couldn't be that. Perhaps he'd run into someone then? Or maybe he had decided to swing by another store or something. It was strange that he wasn't back yet but she decided it was still too soon to panic. She switched on the TV and waited, her gaze repeatedly returning to the clock on the screen. Minutes were ticking by and there was still no sign of him. She was starting to get really worried. Eventually, an hour and a half after he had left she dialled Munch.

Twenty minutes later a couple of uniforms arrived followed closely by Munch himself. By now she had all kinds of worst-case scenarios racing through her head. She was certain something bad must have happened. He'd just popped out for some ice cream. There was no way it should take this long. She snapped at the suggestion by the younger uniformed officer that perhaps he had just gone off to run an errand or meet someone or something.

"No way! Something is wrong!" she insisted. "Have you checked the hospitals? Why aren't you out there looking for him? He's one of you, for God's sake!" The rookie mumbled an apology, looking somewhat startled at her harsh tone.

"Liv," Munch said sympathetically. "He's just doing his job."

She sighed. She knew she was being a bit tough on the young rookie, but she also knew that they were wasting time. She started to get to her feet.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Munch asked her worriedly, reaching out and placing his hands on her shoulders to prevent her from getting up.

"I can't just sit here while my partner is missing! I have to go and look for him!"

"Are you out of your mind? You need to stay put. You're on bed rest, remember? We'll find him Liv. You need to let everyone do their job."

Frustrated she sank back down on the sofa.

"He just went to get me some ice cream," she muttered in a bewildered tone.

…

"Fin! Tell me you found something!" she begged as soon as he stepped foot inside the door.

It had been two hours since she had made the call and even though they had retraced Elliot's footsteps along all possible routes to the store, there was absolutely no sign of him anywhere and indication as to where he could be.

"We pulled the CCTV footage from the supermarket, Liv," Fin said slowly.

"Was he there?" she asked.

"It appears he made it to the store at about four thirty which coincides with what time you said he left here, but the footage shows him talking with a woman and him leaving with her without purchasing anything."

"What?" she said confused. It didn't make sense. Who was this woman?

"Liv, do you know if he was seeing anyone?"

"What? No. I mean, I don't think so. I don't know how he would have had time given how often he was round here… but I guess it's possible." She took a deep breath. The question had taken her completely by surprise.

"It's just the footage showed him and this woman kissing briefly. It looked like they were more than friends, if you know what I mean."

"Kissing? Elliot?" she said incredulous. Her body seeming to sink even more heavily into the cushions as she took in what Fin was saying. Elliot had a secret girlfriend that he hadn't told her about? She could hardly believe it. Although why wouldn't he be out there dating? He was single now. They were just friends. He had absolutely no obligation to tell her about his private life. She closed her eyes, wishing she could be anywhere but here right now. The last thing she wanted was to cry in front of Fin. What had she been thinking? How could she possibly have thought that there could ever have been anything more between her and Elliot than their partnership and friendship? He had made it plain time and time again that he cared about her much like a big brother might looking out for his little sister. Why did she have to go and get carried away, hoping it meant more? Life wasn't some trashy romance novel where everyone lived happily ever after.

None of this changed the fact that he was missing though. It didn't make any sense. She could buy the possibility that he had run into some girlfriend and got distracted for short while, but that was getting on for four hours ago now. There was just no way he would have gone off like that without letting her know. Plus he'd left his phone in her apartment.

"Fin, I'm sorry," she said, doing her utmost to try and stay in control. "I haven't a clue who this woman is. He's never mentioned her to me. There's obviously a lot I don't know about him. However, even if he did go off with this woman, he would never have taken this long, not without contacting me. Something is wrong. I just know it."

She paused as she attempted to hold back the tears that were once again threatening to fall. Her partner was missing. That was the important thing and that was what she would focus on. She could deal with the issue of his relationship with the mystery woman later.


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry about the slight delay with this. I've been busy with work, plus my children have been unwell.**

15

"Hello?" she said nervously. She didn't recognise the number and couldn't help but hope it was Elliot.

"Hi, is this Olivia Benson?" a professional sounding female voice came down the phone, sending a wave of disappointment through her that it wasn't him, followed quickly by another, this time of acute apprehension.

"Yes, this is her," she confirmed.

"I'm a nurse in the neurology department at Mercy. I have a patient here who asked me to contact you on his behalf."

"Elliot?" she gasped, sitting upright immediately. Fin, who had been pottering around at the other side of the room stopped what he was doing and started listening in intently.

"Is he OK?" Olivia asked shakily. She had no idea how it was possible that he could have been in some kind of accident and the local police not known about it, but she was hugely relieved that at least he had finally been found. She had known there had to be an excellent explanation and she decided that being in the hospital was likely to involve a very good one.

"He's been admitted overnight," the nurse informed her. "I'm afraid we can't give you much more information than that over the telephone."

"OK, I'm coming in. Please tell him I'm on my way! It`s the neurology department, right?"

"Yes. We'll be expecting you Ms Benson."

"Thank you."

As soon as she hung up, Fin asked her what had happened.

"I thought you were checking the hospitals?" she snapped. "He's been admitted to Mercy! How could you not know that?"

"We rang round, Liv," Fin said. We also checked with the local ambulance service. They insisted they hadn't picked him up."

"Well someone must have! I'm going in."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? What about the bed rest…?" His voice tapered off as he took in her stony glare.

"Fine," he agreed reluctantly, "but I am taking you."

"Fine," she replied.

…

She knocked gently then stepped inside the room. He was lying in the bed, a bandage over his head, but otherwise looking fairly normal. He had his eyes closed and for a moment she wondered if he was asleep. Quietly, she crept closer not wanting to disturb him, but as she drew nearer he opened his eyes.

"Liv?" he murmured, sounding a little groggy.

"It's me, El" she said softly. "Are you OK?"

"What are you doing here?" he scolded. "You're supposed to be resting!"

"As if I could sit at home twiddling my thumbs knowing that you are in the hospital! I must say though, I had no idea that buying chocolate ice cream could be so dangerous!"

"Was that what I was doing?" he asked, grinning.

"Don't you remember?" She looked at him sharply. The nurse had explained that he had a significant concussion and that memory loss could be a symptom.

"Elliot, can you see OK?" she asked, remembering the time he had lost his vision after another nasty concussion he had received on the job.

He reached out for her hand and she gave it to him unhesitatingly.

"Yes, I can see. I'm fine. I just have a killer headache. They want to keep me in for observation overnight though."

"I know. The nurse explained."

"Right."

"El, what happened?" She was still holding his hand, not willing to be the first to let go, glad of the physical contact to prove to her that he really was here and OK.

"It's all a bit hazy. I remember talking. I was in a coffee shop."

"You met someone in the supermarket and went to a coffee shop?" Olivia asked, wondering briefly if he had really forgotten who he was with or whether he was keeping it back deliberately.

"I'm not sure. I think maybe yes. I just remember parts, you know? It's really cloudy."

"It's OK. It'll probably come back," she told him.

"I remember paying and leaving. I was walking, trying to flag down a taxi."

"Where on earth did you go? Fin said they checked with the local ambulance service. We had no idea where you were."

"I'm so sorry. You must have been worried out of your mind with me just disappearing like that!"

"It's OK," she shrugged. She was still confused, but there was no point in pressuring him while his memory was still so sketchy.

"How did you hit your head? Do you remember that?" she asked.

"No. They said I was attacked. Maybe a mugging: my wallet is missing, which explains why you weren't informed earlier. As far as they were concerned I was just another John Doe."

"But Fin and Munch checked with the local police. There were no incidents nearby. You said you were trying to flag down a taxi though. Did you leave Manhattan?"

"I remember being in a taxi. I remember we went to a coffee shop."

Olivia stared at him silently. She had so many questions, but maybe this really wasn't the time. He was obviously in pain, yet trying his best to hide it from her.

"We can talk about this later, El," she told him glumly. "You should rest."

"What did the police say?" he asked, ignoring her. "They probably know more than me at this point."

"I haven't spoken to them yet. I just came straight in to see you."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologise. You were attacked. That's not your fault."

"I know, but I just popped out to get your ice cream and left you worried for hours."

"I'm just glad you're OK," she said, finally attempting to pull her hand out of his. However, he tightened his grip. "Liv, I mean it. I feel terrible. You're supposed to be taking it easy and I had you worrying and now you're here visiting me when you should be on bed rest. You should go home. I'll be out of here first thing in the morning probably. I'll get a taxi."

"I'm here now. I may as well stay a bit," she shrugged.

"If something were to happen, I'd never forgive myself."

"I'm fine. More than likely the doctor is going to take me off bed rest tomorrow anyway."

"I forgot about your appointment! It's at 11am right? I should be back in time to take you."

"Let's just see how you are in the morning, OK? I am perfectly capable of getting myself to the doctor's."

"Sure," he said, his disappointment apparent. She ignored him though. She was used to doing things on her own. Bed rest had been a really hard experience for her, having to ask for things and accept so much help. She was desperately hoping to hear good news from her doctor the next day and finally be able to return to something resembling her normal life again, at least for a few weeks anyway. She had read the horror stories of the later stages of a multiple pregnancy and was fully aware that she would face challenges over the next few months. She intended to make the most of things while they were still relatively easy. As soon as she was taken off bed rest, her first intention was to go shopping and get everything she would need ready, just in case there was another setback like this.

"Liv, will you at least sit down if you're going to stay," he begged her and she complied, releasing his hand to pull the chair a little closer to the bed. As she sat down, she wished she were brave enough to take his hand again, but something held her back. It was strange how she felt so nervous around him. Usually she wasn't nervous at all with men, but this was Elliot.

She looked at him and caught the wince that he tried to hide.

"Are you OK?" she asked, concerned. "Your head is hurting isn't it?"

He nodded.

"I'll call the nurse," she said, reaching for the buzzer as she spoke.

The nurse appeared promptly and told them both that he needed to rest, no more talking. Elliot tried to convince Olivia to go home again and this time she agreed.

…

The following morning Elliot was released as expected but told he needed to take it extremely easy. Olivia went to her hospital appointment alone and came back jubilant that finally bed rest had been lifted and she was free to once again move around, as long as she didn't over-exert herself.

"That's great news," Elliot smiled.

"Do you want anything?" she asked. It was funny how the tables had turned. Now he was the one stuck in bed and she was determined to repay him the favour by getting him anything he needed or wanted.

He shook his head.

"Liv, we need to talk," he said solemnly.

"We do?" she said, equally soberly, nervous as to what on earth he was about to reveal that had made him this serious and subdued.

"There's something I didn't tell you."

"Uh huh?" she said questioningly.

"I've been seeing someone."

"Oh," she said, trying as hard as she could not to let the sheer disappointment at his words show, but wondering if she was in any way succeeding.

"It's not serious…"

"El, you don't have to explain," she cut him off. "You're entitled to see who you like."

"I know but…"

"Please, El. Don't." She could feel the tears beginning to well up in her eyes and the last thing she wanted to do was let him see just how much his revelation had upset her.

"Liv, listen to me. Let me explain."

"Fine. Explain!" she said curtly, trying to sound as nonchalant as she could.

"It was just a couple of dates a couple of months back. I was never really interested but it was an introduction and she was a nice lady. I made out I was busy and I figured she would just work it out for herself that I wasn't interested. Then I suddenly ran into her in the supermarket."

"You remember now?" Olivia said, deliberately trying to focus on anything other than the fact that he was out there dating, obviously looking for someone, a fact that must mean without a doubt that he couldn't possibly be interested in her.

"Yes. My memories started getting clearer last night."

"That's good."

"Liv, please, hear me out."

She nodded, her arms folded.

"Anyway, Charlie – that's her name – started trying to arrange to meet up again and I knew she deserved better to be strung along and that she deserved the truth. So I asked her to come and grab a coffee with me."

"So you could let her down gently," Olivia finished for him.

"That's right. Well I suggested a place close by, but she insisted on going to this place she knew. I just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible, so I agreed and we jumped in a taxi and went. I wanted to call you then to let you know I was going to be an hour or so, but I couldn't find my phone."

"Yeah you left it at mine," she told him.

"When I realised I didn't have it, I started to feel terrible about just going off like that. I knew you would be worried. We were already in the taxi though by this point and so I decided I would just try to make it as quick as possible. As soon as we got our drinks, I told her that I wasn't interested in her like that and she took it OK and she left."

"Then what happened?" Olivia asked, now completely drawn into the story and wanting to know how he had ended up being attacked. She wasn't ready to deal with exactly how she felt about the fact he had been dating and not even told her, especially when he had been virtually living at hers for the last few weeks.

I left the coffee shop and tried to flag down a taxi, but there were none in sight. I decided to walk and find a slightly busier street and it was then I saw a mugging had obviously just taken place. An elderly lady had been hit and she was on the ground. I leant over to help her up when I was hit on the head from behind and I don't remember anything else until I woke up in the hospital."

"Oh my God, El," she said. "Have you reported it yet?"

"Yeah I gave a statement to the police this morning just before I was released from the hospital."

"Have they caught the attacker?"

"No, not yet. Apparently there were two of them. They are checking out the street cameras now apparently. They're hoping to ID them from them and apparently the lady he attacked gave a good description too. Unfortunately I didn't see a thing, so am no help at all."

"How's the lady?"

"She has a fractured arm, but otherwise is OK."

"I guess it could have been a lot worse," she said. She was fully aware it was one of those comments you just say to break the silence. In truth the way Elliot was looking directly at her right now was making her feel self-conscious. She still didn't know what to make of the fact he had been seeing a woman in secret. What had she been thinking? They had been partners for years. She needed to get her head around the fact that that was all it ever would be. Plus, now she was pregnant. It was hardly going to make her seem like the most attractive option around. She sighed deeply.

"Liv, I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Why?" she said. "You don't owe me anything."

"It was a mistake. Nothing even happened."

"Do you want an orange juice or something? I feel like one. I'll be right back, OK?"

She left the room quickly, relieved she had a few moments to pull herself together away from his piercing stare. Why did it feel like he was letting her down gently? Did he know how she felt about him? Was his talk about letting this other woman down gently really for her benefit too? She cringed at the thought. She would have to do a much better job at hiding her feelings towards him. His friendship was about the only thing she had going for her lately, apart from the babies. She couldn't risk losing that.


	16. Chapter 16

16

_Four days later_

She looked up from her book as she heard him approach. She had woken early for some reason and had been up a couple of hours already.

"How's your head?" she asked as he leaned over and grabbed her glass of orange juice.

"It's much better," he smiled before taking a huge gulp.

"You know I could get you your own glass," she said, amused, placing her book down on the table. He'd always been comfortable drinking from her glass or finishing her meals for her and it was something she admitted she liked. It was one of the few outwardly visible signs he would give her that their partnership meant more to him than just the job. She's never seen Munch or Fin share a glass like that anyway.

"No need," he said. "You know, I am really feeling so much better today. I was thinking, since the weather is so nice, maybe we should go out for a walk."

"Sounds good," she said, getting to her feet and heading towards the toaster. "You want some toast first?"

"Yeah, but I can get it though."

"Don't be silly. You helped me out so much all those weeks I was stuck in bed. Let me get you a couple of slices of toast now!"

"OK, OK," he said grinning. He was glad she seemed back to her normal self. He knew she was out of shape after all that time lying down, not using her muscles, but she was generally fit and healthy and he predicted she would bounce back. The doctor had suggested she do some gentle walking, which was partly what inspired him to suggest they go out now.

After his breakfast, he hopped in the shower quickly before they left for the park. It was warm out, but not too hot: perfect walking weather.

After a while walking at a fairly leisurely pace, she suddenly stopped.

"Are you OK?" he asked concerned.

"You know this is the first time I've been out for a walk like this in weeks and it's more tiring than I thought it would be," she admitted, her frustration at her own limitations coming through clearly in her tone.

"Liv, you have two babies growing inside you. That's no small thing. It must be exhausting! Look, there's a bench over there! Let's take a five minute breather."

"OK," she agreed, following him over to the vacant bench and sitting down heavily.

"This is harder than I imagined," she said as he joined her. "I'm only 21 weeks along and look at me."

"You're doing great," Elliot replied quickly. It wasn't just platitudes either. He was genuinely impressed with the way she had been coping with the pregnancy. The bed rest had been an unfortunate setback.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I don't mean to be such a complainer."

"Look you're more than entitled to grumble about it, as much as you like. It's a pregnant woman's prerogative."

"Thanks, El," she said smiling. "You know I really didn't understand what I was getting myself into going into this pregnancy alone. I mean if you weren't here, I don't know what I would have done."

"Well I am here…"

She watched him as he awkwardly averted his gaze and she wondered for a minute if just perhaps he meant something more by it. Suddenly she felt inexplicably nervous and his proximity to her was the only thing she could focus on. He was sitting close, so close that their shoulders were lightly touching and she could feel the warmth emanating from his body. She longed in that moment that he would wrap his arms around her, pulling her closer to him, but she tried hard to shake the thought. She wasn't a teenager with no cares in the world. She was in her forties and pregnant. She needed to get her head out of the clouds and back down to reality.

Just then she noticed the little girl. She had been playing with a ball close by and Olivia had been aware vaguely of her presence, but what had drawn her attention now was the way the ball was heading straight towards the bench where she and Elliot were sitting and the little girl was now running after it, towards them.

When the ball reached the bench, she quickly leant down, took it in her hands and then stood to approach the girl, who Olivia guessed must be around four or five years old, to hand it to her. Just as the child drew close she suddenly lost her footing and tumbled down, starting to cry almost immediately.

Olivia immediately sank to her knees in front of the girl.

"Let me see," she said kindly. "Oh dear, you have a little scrape there." She put one hand around the girl comfortingly.

"Where's your mummy?" she asked.

"I don't have a mummy," replied the girl.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," Olivia said sympathetically.

"My Daddy is working. I'm here with my nanny."

"Is that her?" Olivia asked, pointing over to where a young dark-haired woman in her twenties was standing with a pushchair and several bags, watching a couple of kids on the swings.

"Yes, that's her!"

"Do you want me to walk you back?"

"Yes please," said the girl eagerly, reaching for Olivia's hand. Olivia glanced at Elliot and he smiled, indicating that he would wait there on the bench for her.

Hand in hand the two walked over to the play area.

"Mia!" exclaimed the nanny, seeing her charge's bloodied knees and hurriedly reaching into one of the bags for some wet wipes and a band aid.

"I'm sorry about this," she said apologetically.

"Oh it's no trouble," Olivia replied. "How many children are you looking after?"

"Four." replied the nanny. "Mia has two older brothers and a little brother."

"Wow, that's a big family."

"Yeah. Unfortunately their Mother passed away last year, not long after the baby was born, so it's been hard these last few months, but they're wonderful kids."

"I'm expecting two myself," said Olivia conversationally, indicating her abdomen.

"Twins? Cool."

"Thank you," replied Olivia, relieved that for once the reaction wasn't along the lines of "you'll have your work cut out for you," or "double trouble!" or something equally predictable and slightly negative.

"Say thank you, to the nice lady Mia," instructed her nanny.

"It was no trouble," Olivia replied. "Bye Mia!"

"Bye! Thank you!" the little girl replied before running off to join her brothers on the swings.

Olivia wandered back over to the bench where Elliot was waiting and sat down beside him.

He was strangely silent. He was just staring at her intently and it started to make her feel a little self-conscious.

"What's the matter with you?" she asked finally.

"I just realised something, watching you with that little girl," Elliot replied.

"What?" she asked curiously. He was definitely acting weird. Even his voice sounded odd.

Just that I love you," he said taking her completely by surprise. Immediately it felt like every single muscle in her body had tensed. Had she heard him right? Had he just told her he loved her? Here, randomly on a park bench? She must have misunderstood, surely?

Then she felt his hands on her shoulders, turning her round to face him. The second she saw his face she recognised just how serious he was and that it was definitely no joke.

"Olivia. I love you," he said quietly. Tears sprang to her eyes as she reacted to the intensity behind his admission. "I've been trying to build up the courage to tell you that for a long time," he continued. "Look I know this must probably be a shock and that you obviously don't feel the same way, but I just couldn't keep it back any longer. I had to tell you."

"What?" she muttered. Her head felt like it was spinning.

"It doesn't have to ruin anything," he replied. "I understand Liv."

"I…"

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, averting his gaze to his lap.

"No, Elliot, I don't mean that. I mean. I feel the same way. I… I love you too."

The look on his face then as he raised his eyes to hers was one she doubted she would ever forget as long as she lived. It was a perfect amalgamation of shock, hope, joy and disbelief, but behind it all, love. It shook her to the core. She was aware of the tears now sliding down her cheeks, but then he wrapped his arms around her, bringing her into a tight embrace.

"Liv. I want to kiss you," he whispered in her ear, making her question again if perhaps she was in fact dreaming and none of this was really happening.

She could only nod and then she completely gave into the sensation of him placing his hand on her face and drawing her to him and then their lips meeting for the first time. She was eternally grateful for the fact that they were seated right now, for she suspected that had they been standing her legs may have actually turned to the proverbial jelly. The feel of his lips pressed against hers, his tentative non-verbal request for permission to explore her mouth further with his tongue, followed by the rush of sensation between her legs as she gave into the kiss and allowed herself to really take in the fact that Elliot Stabler was kissing her; it all threatened to overwhelm her. Unable to fully take it in, she pulled back for air.

"Are you OK?" he asked, nervously, terrified he had pushed her too far.

"I'm more than fine," she replied. "I just…. this is so unexpected… I had no idea you felt the same way."

"Me neither," he said, attempting to place his lips to hers once again.

Again she pulled away. "El, please. I want this more than anything, but I need to know how this is going to work."

"I'm not going to change my mind tomorrow, Liv," he told her. "I'm not messing about here. I meant what I said."

"…but, what about the babies?"

"I'm sure I'll love them just as much as I love you."

"You say that now."

"Please, Liv. I know we have lots to talk about and things to work out, but, right now can't we just enjoy the moment? I just want to kiss you!"

"OK," she breathed, giving in. He was right. They had just told each other they loved each other. The finer details could most definitely wait until later.


	17. Chapter 17

17

It was no good. Her mind was racing. She was also finding it impossible to get comfortable and was worried that her tossing and turning would disturb him. She turned and glanced at him yet again. It was difficult to get her head around the fact that the man lying sleeping next to her was actually Elliot Stabler. She had longed for this moment for so long, but it was proving bitter-sweet. Of course he had been the perfect gentleman and made absolutely no move on her beyond the kissing, the cuddling and his timid request to sleep next to her in her bed, but this was the problem. She wanted so much more, but the pregnancy inevitably affected things and it wasn't all that positive in her view.

After they had left the park, they had gone out for lunch to a cute little place she had suggested. Alexandra Cabot had taken her there to celebrate once after a case they had worked closely together on and she had always thought it would be fun to come back with someone 'special'. The menu was somewhat quirky, the staff exceedingly attentive and friendly and the atmosphere romantic, even for a lunch date. It had struck her that, in fact, given the way Elliot had spent most of the meal staring at her intensely and making any excuse to touch her, he probably couldn't have cared less where they ate, as long as it was with her. It was an intoxicating feeling. Every time his hand brushed over hers or she felt the gentle nudging of his knee against hers, she felt the nerves rippling through her stomach in a way that she had rarely experienced since her teenage years.

In tune with their somewhat stereotypical date so far they had spent the afternoon at the movie theatre – his suggestion. In the darkness of the theatre he had slipped his arm around her, pulling her snugly to him and she had laid her head against his shoulder, barely able to concentrate on the movie, the title of which she still couldn't recall even now. The only things she had been acutely aware of were the feel of his body pressed against hers and the gentle movement of his chest at the rhythm of his breathing.

After the movie they had returned home, ordered in some pizza and once again spent a significant part of the evening exploring one another's mouths. It had gone no further though and she had flipped between disappointment and relief that he hadn't mentioned it. She had been specifically told by her doctor to take things easy and he had explained the concept of pelvic rest – in other words no sex, including any kind of stimulation that may lead to uterine contractions and potentially cause problems with premature labour.

It was this that kept her awake now. How on earth was this 'thing' between them going to work when she was forbidden from taking things further physically due to the demands of her high-risk pregnancy? In addition, after the birth she would potentially have a long recovery ahead of her, especially if she needed a c-section which the doctor had said was a possibility depending on the position of the babies and a whole host of other factors that they couldn't even begin to predict yet. Then there would be the inevitable months of sleepless nights, not to mention nursing. How could she possibly expect him to wait around for so long? Would he even want to? What if he changed his mind and decided it wasn't worth it.

Gently, she pulled back the covers and clumsily shifted her legs over the side of the bed. Slowly she got to her feet, hoping she wouldn't wake him. The last thing he probably wanted to be doing was dealing with a hormonal and now emotional pregnant woman in the middle of the night. She stumbled over to the door and headed towards the living room, allowing the tears to fall as soon as she had closed the bedroom door behind her.

She had never felt happier when he had told her he loved her, just like that out of the blue. Being so close to having everything she had ever really wanted: her own children and a man in her life - a family at last - and then possibly losing it all would be too much to bear. She was convinced that the old saying, "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" was a load of rubbish. Knowing what it could be like to have everything and then having it all taken away from you had to be the absolute worst thing in the world, surely?

She drew her legs up, curling them up beside her. She hadn't bothered with switching the light on. It didn't seem appropriate given her mood. She wanted to wallow for a little while. Crying might even do something to allay her worries a little. Maybe she'd feel better afterwards? She wondered if Elliot would notice she had gone. There was always the risk he would come looking for her, but he had looked as though he were quite deeply asleep. It was probably unlikely.

She had loved snuggling up with him when they had gone to bed. They had kissed for a while again and then he had fallen asleep, his arms wrapped around her. She had felt pleased he was relaxed enough in her company not to feel nervous about them 'sleeping' together like that for the first time. She on the other hand had been so wound up and tense that she had known sleep would be a long time coming. An hour after he had closed his eyes, he had loosened his grip as he rolled over to face the other direction. When it had finally hit 3am, she had started to wonder if she would even fall asleep at all that night. It had been not long after that she had come into the living room.

She was so lost in her own thoughts, her mind replaying the events of the day again and again that she hadn't heard his approach. She almost jumped out of her skin when she saw him standing there, groggily rubbing his eyes. The second he noticed her, he quickly drew closer, sinking to his knees on the floor beside her on the sofa and reaching for her hand.

"Liv, are you OK?" he asked, his voice emanating concern.

She nodded, even though she knew the dampness of her cheeks had to be more than obvious.

"Have you… have you changed your mind?" he asked slowly. She saw the raw pain in his eyes and immediately she felt terrible. She could hardly blame him for assuming it was something like that: that she had regretted their encounter and was terrified to tell him.

"No!" she said firmly, "of course not!"

She heard his intake of breath and watched as the relief visibly washed over his face.

"Tell me what's wrong then!" he said softly. "Why are you so upset?"

"It's nothing," she replied. "I mean it's silly. It's just the pregnancy hormones."

"If something's upsetting you, it's not silly, Liv. Tell me. Please!"

She sighed. What did she have to lose? It would be better to find out now rather than further down the line.

"It's just this whole situation," she said heavily. "Me being pregnant, you telling me how you feel. I just wish things could have been different, that's all."

"I'm so sorry, Liv," he said, lowering his head. "I shouldn't have lain this all on you, especially now."

"You should have told me earlier!" It came out before she really realised what she was saying. Her stomach clenched. Would he realise that what she was really saying was that she wished that he had been the Father to her children, not some random donor. How would he feel about that? He already had plenty of children. Having another was probably not something he had even considered. She placed her head in her hands, feeling a fresh wave of tears. Why was her life such a mess?

"Liv, please, look at me," he begged. Slowly she withdrew her hands from her face and raised her head. She had been expecting him to say something, but instead he leaned forward and gently kissed her on the forehead.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be," he said. "I get it. I really do. I feel the same way and you're right. I should have told you ages ago. I'm really sorry Liv, truly. But we can make this work, OK?"

She nodded doubtfully.

"And I'm willing to wait for however long it takes," he said leaning back in and kissing her briefly again, this time gently on the mouth.

"I'll probably be on pelvic rest for the rest of the pregnancy," she said blushing very slightly at the intimate implication she was making.

"I know. It's fine. Of course I want to make love to you, so much, but we have all the time in the world for that. Right now the important thing is you and these babies. Now come here!" He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tightly to him for a hug that she happily returned. Part of her was still finding this all somewhat difficult to accept, but right now she was here, in his arms and from what he was saying he intended it to be that way for the foreseeable future. She realised she had a choice and that was either to trust him and believe that he meant what he said, or to not believe he meant what he said and accept that the relationship was over before it had even started. She wanted this to work. She wanted to be with him. It was a risk, but wasn't her future happiness worth that?

"Does this mean we are officially an item then?" she asked pulling back slightly so as she could gage his reaction.

"Yes, Olivia. Yes it does!" he replied grinning at her happily. "So how about we go back to bed and get some sleep?"

"OK," she smiled back, her hand wiping away the final tear of the night.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N Sorry my updates have slowed... I'm really really busy with work, but I promise that I will keep writing and finish this (and Shattered Boundaries). This story still has a way to go. Thanks for sticking with it. S x**

18

_28 weeks_

She woke up with a foot on a nerve or something, she wasn't really sure, but the pain was constant and nothing she did seemed to relieve it. She tried walking around, stretching, getting on all fours and even wriggling around, much to Elliot's amusement, but eventually just gave up and sank into an uncomfortable position on the sofa, wondering how on earth she was supposed to hack another ten weeks of this.

"Do you want me to ring the hospital and see if they can fit you in any earlier?" Elliot asked her as he brought her a fresh glass of orange juice.

"I doubt they can," she said negatively, accepting the juice with a grateful smile.

"Well there's no harm in trying," he persisted. He had taken the day off work so as he could go with her to her appointment. She had another ultrasound scheduled and they were really hoping to finally discover the sex of the babies, as so far they had kept their legs firmly closed, refusing to give anyone a sneak preview. Elliot hoped they would have more luck today. The last couple of weeks had been difficult for her. She had been suffering from some significant back pain and an intense fatigue that had completely taken it out of her. It made sense really, given that she was sustaining two extra lives. A single pregnancy could be tough enough. There was also the undeniable fact that she was in her forties. Nothing about this was ever going to be easy.

She had never been one to complain, however. Instead she had gradually been getting more and more withdrawn. He had been busy at work lately and had been getting home very late and so she had effectively been spending her days alone, bored, too tired to venture much further than a lap around the block. Elliot knew she was also beginning to seriously doubt her ability to be a good mother. He knew that almost every single new mother-to-be doubted themselves at some point, but it was made slightly worse by the fact that, in her view at least, she didn't think she was coping all that well with the pregnancy and she was worried that it was an ominous sign of what was to come. Telling her that he had every confidence she would be a wonderful mother didn't seem to be helping much and Elliot was starting to worry about her risk for post-partum depression. It was something he knew a fair bit about after one of Kathy's friends had suffered a particularly serious episode several years back. Now he was hoping that finding out the gender of her babies would make her feel even more connected to them and shift her focus onto the positive result: the fact that she would soon have two beautiful babies in her arms.

He was in luck. Someone had cancelled their appointment that morning so they were able to take their slot. The earlier appointment appeared to do the trick, for she definitely seemed to be in a better mood on hearing that she would get to see her babies a few hours sooner than she had expected. He could see she was still in some significant discomfort though and she was unable to hide it as she sank into the front passenger seat.

"Are you OK?" he asked worriedly, crouching down outside the car and placing a hand gently on her knee.

"I'll be fine," she said through clenched teeth.

"Do you want to put the seat back a little?"

She nodded and he gently eased it back for her. "Is that any better?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Shall we get going then?" he asked, getting back up to his feet. He hoped the doctor would be able to do something to alleviate her pain for he couldn't bear the thought of her having to go through another ten weeks of this and even more so when he couldn't really take any time off as he was trying to save all his owed time off for after the birth.

…

There was a long wait at the hospital despite having the appointment. There had been some kind of emergency and the doctor had been called away for a while. Things were moving again now though and eventually they were called through for the ultrasound.

"Can you tell the genders?" Elliot asked impatiently, after several minutes had gone by with no word at all from the sullen ultrasound tech.

"Baby A is being a little awkward," she replied, her brow furrowed as she moved the wand around Olivia's belly, trying to find the best position to see. "It looks like Baby B is a boy, however."

"A boy?" Olivia repeated, smiling. It was hard to imagine having a son. For some reason she had always assumed they would both be girls.

"That's wonderful," Elliot said excitedly. "You have a son, Olivia!"

"I can't believe it!" she breathed. "A son…"

"Are you going with James?" Elliot asked. He knew she had narrowed it down to three; James, Matthew or Zachary and that James had been her top contender."

"You know I thought of another name I really like last night," she said, surprising him.

"Oh yeah? You never mentioned it."

"Well I am now," she grinned.

"So? What is it?"

"Kai."

"Kai?" It wasn't exactly what he had been expecting given her other more traditional choices.

"Yes! What's wrong with Kai?"

"Nothing!" he said quickly. "I like it. In fact I really like it. Kai Benson. It has a nice ring to it."

"Kai Matthew Benson," she corrected him.

"It's nice."

"Do you really think so, or are you just saying that?"

"No, I really think so," he said taking her hand and raising it to his mouth and kissing it gently.

"Well, we're done here," said the ultrasound tech, interrupting them. Elliot released Olivia's hand as she rearranged her clothes to cover her exposed abdomen.

"I think the other baby is a girl," said Elliot as they headed back to wait to see the doctor.

"I don't know now. I was convinced they would both be girls," she said. Maybe they're both boys?"

"Two boys would be great."

"I just hope they get their traits from their Father's side," she sighed. _Whoever he is…_

"Oh Liv, you really shouldn't worry about that." Elliot knew she had always feared the side of her that came from her father, the monster who had raped her mother. "With you as their Mother, they'll be perfect. You'll see!"

She didn't reply, although he was certain he could see the corners of her mouth turn up into a hint of a smile.

…

After his examination, the doctor reassured them that the pains were mostly just the kind to be expected with any pregnancy, made worse by the fact it was twins and that unfortunately there was not much she could do except take it easy and try not to overexert herself during the last few weeks of her pregnancy. Through the routine urine check, they had discovered a minor infection which he prescribed antibiotics for He explained it may be partly responsible for some of the abdominal discomfort at least. Her blood pressure was good and there were no signs of pre-term labour and the doctor said he was hopeful she would make it to at least thirty eight weeks. If she managed to get that far along it was unlikely the babies would need any time in the NICU or if they did it would probably only be for a very short while. Every day they remained inside her their chances of coming out strong and healthy increased.

The appointment had seemed to invigorate her, Elliot thought as they returned to the car. There was just something about her that seemed more positive. All the staff had been sympathetic and told her how well she was doing and how great she looked for her stage of a twin pregnancy and it seemed to have given her a huge confidence boost. When he asked her how the back pain was, she told him that one of the babies must have shifted during the ultrasound or something, for the pressure had eased up slightly. She did seem to have a bit more colour to her cheeks, he was happy to note.

"Do you fancy doing anything?" he asked as he climbed into the driver's seat beside her.

"Like what?" she asked curiously.

"How about a picnic on the beach, or something?"

"Sure."

"Then it's a date," he grinned.

…

They were sheltered from the slight breeze by the rocks which jutted out slightly onto the sand and which also served to hide them from sight of anyone else unless they happened to walk right past. There weren't that many people around with it being a weekday and it also being slightly chillier than was usually considered beach-going weather. Worried about her feeling the cold, Elliot had brought a couple of blankets from his car and they were lying on one and he had draped the other over her, despite her protests. They were lying side by side, facing each other as she was unable to lie on her back. He had one arm placed loosely over her and the other holding one of her hands.

"Do you know how many times I've imagined being with you like this?" he said.

"Me too," she whispered nervously. It still felt strange. It was much easier to just be with him than it was to discuss it. Years of partnership were hard to shake off. They knew each other inside out in many ways, but crossing the physical boundaries was all new. It was most definitely exciting though. Once again she felt the familiar pull of attraction jolt through her body, making her wish that she weren't quite so pregnant so that she could satisfy her desire. She found herself drawing in even closer to him and then, just as she had wanted, she felt his lips descend on hers, kissing her gently but insistently, quickly making the beach and the outside world disappear, so that it was just him and her and the amazing sensation of the kiss.

"I love you Olivia," he whispered when he came up for air and she whispered back the same. His kiss then deepened, seemingly growing more frantic. His hands started to wander and she didn't stop him. She wanted him to feel her everywhere. His touch sent waves of pleasure through her that she didn't even want to begin to try and fight. In those few seconds she couldn't have cared less about the consequences. She wanted him so badly and she wanted him then and there.

But he pulled away.

"You're such a tease!" she grumbled.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, nuzzling into her neck.

"Yeah, sure you are," she replied, an amused sparkle in her eye.

"I'm sorry." He pulled away.

"You know," she said, her hand now descending down his body. "Just because I am on pelvic rest doesn't mean you have to be."

"No, Liv." He reached for her hand halting her descent. "I want our first time to be special for both of us. I can wait. I'm happy to wait. Honestly."

"But…"

"No buts." He raised his hand to her face and stroked her cheek lightly. "I want us both to enjoy it, Liv."

"OK," she nodded, wondering if he would notice the tears she was certain were now glistening in her eyes.

He leaned forward and kissed her on her forehead, just above her nose and she smiled. It was small moments like these that she realised she had never really known and she loved it all.

"So that was good news that baby A is head down," he said, deliberately bringing up the subject as an attempt to cool them both down a little. It was getting harder and harder to refrain and keep the kisses just kisses. There was nothing he wanted more than to make love to her, but he knew he could wait and he would gladly.

"Yeah," she agreed. The doctor had explained that they would only consider trying for a vaginal birth if the first baby was in the correct position. It was hoped that once baby A was out, baby B would also descend down correctly, but they wouldn't be able to rule out the possibility of her giving birth safely to the first one and then still needing a caesarean section for the second. She was hoping she wouldn't need to be cut. The recovery period and learning to nurse the babies was going to be hard enough, without adding a recovery from major abdominal surgery to the mix. She sighed. She had been trying not to think too much about what might go wrong, but instead focus on the best-case scenario. She had decided that whatever happened, she couldn't control it: she just had to do the best she could in the circumstances she was given.

"I've been reading birth stories online while you've been at work," she said.

"That's great – well as long as they're not scaring you, anyway."

"Don't worry, I stay clear of the scary ones. I'm just reading the regular ones; well the natural birth stories actually. Many ladies talk about how one intervention leads to another and it can all be a slippery downward slope to a c-section. I want to avoid that at all costs, so I'm going to try natural."

"That's great, but I wouldn't really get too set on anything. Just see how you feel at the time and take it from there."

"I've been looking into birthing pools."

"You have?"

"It seems like it would be soothing."

"Yeah it does. Although, I hope you're not expecting me to get in with you!"

"It's up to you."

"Oh." Elliot felt a little awkward. The truth was they hadn't really discussed the birth yet and she hadn't even explicitly said whether she wanted him there or not. He had just hoped she would, but he was determined to respect her wishes whatever they were.

"Do you want to be there?" she asked suddenly. She had obviously been thinking the same thing.

"Do you want me there?" he asked.

"I do," she said nodding. "But only if you want to be. I'd understand if you don't."

"I want to be," he said smiling. "Of course I do."

"OK," she said pleased they had finally addressed the issue.

"Come on, I think we should head back. It's not all that warm here and you should be laying down somewhere a little bit more comfortable."

"I'm fine. My back has been much better since the appointment."

"Even so, let's go. Besides, I'm getting hungry."

"Oh right, I see," she laughed, allowing him to help her up. "And there was me thinking you were concerned about my welfare, when in fact the real reason was your stomach!" She gently prodded his belly.

"A man's gotta eat," he chuckled.

"Fine let's go and find something," she said, slipping her arm in his.

Arm in arm they headed back towards the car.


	19. Chapter 19

19

_38 weeks and 3 days_

Olivia was convinced that she now truly understood the meaning of the word miserable. She felt huge. Her back ached, in fact most of her ached. She felt like she hadn't slept more than an hour at a time for weeks as she was up to pee constantly during the night. It was also impossible to find a comfortable position in bed and the leg cramps were horrendous. The day she had hit thirty eight weeks had been a huge milestone that she had anticipated eagerly and then ultimately ended up being devastatingly disappointing, when at the end of the long day she still felt no closer to giving birth. She had been having strong Braxton hicks for weeks but according to her doctor they were doing nothing to ready her cervix for labour. She seemed to be stuck and at her last appointment there had been mention of induction.

She had begged her doctor to allow her a few more days to go into labour on her own and he had given her until Tuesday. Today was Sunday and time was running out and she was starting to lose hope. She had tried everything: walking, squatting, climbing up and down the stairs in her apartment block, all of the foods she could find that had even the remotest reputation for being linked to the onset of labour. The only thing she hadn't tried, she was now on the verge of begging Elliot for. Right now she couldn't care less about their first time being something special. She wanted those babies out and if sex would help, then she was willing to give it a try.

She decided that for the sake of her pride, perhaps she ought to take a slightly less obvious approach than outright begging, so she slipped off to the bedroom to see what she could possibly do to make herself seem slightly more desirable. There wasn't much she could do to hide her humungous belly, so she concentrated elsewhere, applying her make-up carefully and fixing her hair in the way he had previously told her he found irresistibly sexy. She wasn't entirely comfortable with the fact that being unable to see anything lower than her bellybutton had prevented proper access to her legs and nether regions with a razor for a while, but her plan was to make sure that by the time Elliot got to seeing that much, he wouldn't care less anyway. This wasn't really about a long and drawn out seduction though. She just wanted sex, preferably fast enough that she would manage to get through it without needing a bathroom trip mid-session.

She looked at her reflection in her mirror and sighed. What was she doing? Maybe she should just go ahead with the induction. This was crazy.

She heard the knock on the door and called out to let him know he could come in. He came right up to her and perched down next to her on the bed.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I'm so ready for this to be over," she said heavily.

"You're so close now."

"I know."

"I wish there was something I could do," he said placing his hands on her shoulders and beginning to massage them gently.

"There's one thing you could do," she said slowly.

"Anything. You know that!"

"Have sex with me."

"What now?" She had to admit she was impressed by how unperturbed he seemed by her frank request.

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she replied. It was kind of cute how he refused to take advantage. The idea that perhaps he didn't want to occurred to her then.

"Then yes."

"You will?" she asked surprised he had agreed so readily and glad that her previous suspicion had proved wrong.

"I understand," he said and then he grinned. "I know all the old wives tales too."

She smiled awkwardly. "But you said about our first time being special."

"It will be. Let's think of this as the practice run, okay?"

"Okay," she grinned.

She suddenly felt incredibly nervous now that it had been decided. Then she felt his hands moving from her shoulders up to her neck and then his hands were on her face pulling her to him. His lips landed on hers, both gentle yet firm. She melted into his kiss, suddenly all her nerves disappearing. How could she be nervous? Being with him felt the most natural thing in the world. She kissed him back, picking up the pace.

"I love you," he whispered as he nuzzled into her neck, sending a fresh ripple of desire through her. Why had they held off so long, she wondered? It was silly trying to fight fate. This was how things were supposed to be. She was certain of it.

…

She was sitting on the sofa, trying not to get too excited, but ever since the orgasm had ripped through her body, she had felt strange. The Braxton hicks had picked up a little and she know understood why contractions were sometimes described as a tightening sensation. That was exactly how it felt to her. It wasn't yet painful, or at least not so much that she couldn't talk or breathe through them. She imagined there would be a lot worse to come, so she tried not to make a huge deal of these smaller ones. Instead she concentrated on relaxing and trying to prepare herself mentally for the potentially long journey ahead. She knew first labours could take hours and hours and she didn't want to get too carried away now and end up exhausted before she got anywhere near the end.

Elliot was due to work the next day and he had already asked her if he ought to be phoning in to let them know he would be taking his leave as of now, but Olivia had told him to wait. She had read all about false labour and she thought it was possible that the sex had just increased the intensity of the Braxton hicks and that it wasn't actually full blown labour yet. She wanted to ensure that Elliot had the maximum amount of time to take off after the birth of the twins so didn't want to jump the gun and act too soon.

She started to time her contractions on an online site and was surprised to find they were actually closer together than she had thought. The only thing was they weren't regular like the textbook cases she had read about in her pregnancy books. According to the books, labour was supposed to begin with weak contractions that grew in intensity and length and also got closer together. Hers weren't really like that. One would come stronger than all the others, yet only last around forty five seconds, then five minutes later she'd get another, but it would be weaker and even shorter than the previous one. Then there'd be say a ten minute break and then a long contraction lasting over a minute and then three minutes later another one and so it went on. It was extremely confusing. The irregularity in intensity, length and time apart made her think that maybe this actually wasn't it and that she was in false labour. Then a big one hit and for the first time she found herself leaning forward and having to concentrate through it. She took a deep breath and waited for the peak to pass. This one had hurt! Yet it still wasn't as bad as she imagined it could be, so she figured she was probably still in the very early stages and had a long way to go yet.

Three contractions later, Elliot mentioned heading to the hospital just to make sure. She refused. The last thing she wanted was to be put on the clock and pressured into giving birth by a certain time. Two contractions later, the last of which had her holding her breath at its peak, she caved in. By now it was six in the evening.

"I'm going to have a shower first though," she said.

"What? Are you crazy?"

"El we had sex. I am not going in without washing that evidence fully away."

"Right, yeah," he said awkwardly. Given her status they hadn't felt the need to bother with contraception. Both had been tested for STDs recently; she had been tested during her routine pregnancy tests and he had gone to get tested as soon as it had been clear that their relationship was heading in a more intimate direction.

"Do you need any help?" he asked.

"Er, no thanks," she said.

"Right. Ok, well I'll be out here, he said. "I'll put your bag in the car."

"Thanks," she said. She had packed it several weeks earlier, adding and taking things away occasionally. She had wanted to be prepared in case she had unexpectedly gone into labour early.

By the time they got loaded up into the car, the contractions were way more intense. Even so it was a strange experience. During each contraction she would be convinced that yes this was real labour and then in between the contractions she would feel so completely normal that she would be convinced the hospital staff would laugh at the inexperienced first-time mum and send her packing.

Her contractions slowed down a little while she was in the car too. She wasn't really timing them properly, but she thought maybe they were coming every five to seven minutes or so. As they approached the building she wondered if maybe they had been a little too hasty coming in so soon. After all the contractions had only started getting painful a couple of hours ago. There was no way she could be that close to giving birth after such a short time. She was worried they would want to admit her anyway and insist on inducing her.

As soon as she stood in the parking lot though, a contraction took over and she had stop and lean forward on the bonnet of the car as she waited for it to pass. There was no way she could walk. Elliot had immediately come to her side and was rubbing the lower part of her back gently and even though it did nothing to allay the pain, it was still soothing. When it was over she thanked him and watched gratefully as he reached into the back and slung her bag over his shoulder.

She barely got three steps when the next contraction hit, taking her by surprise at how quickly it had followed the last one. Once again she had to halt and this time she leaned forwards with her hands just above her knees as she rode the wave. Four contractions later, they finally made it to the nurse's station where a member of the nursing staff on duty handed Elliot some forms to fill in and then led them both into a cubicle to be examined by a doctor.

She was called in promptly and she prepared herself for the internal exam that would reveal just how far along she actually was. She was nervous as she dreaded being told she was barely dilated. The contractions were already starting to really hurt and the thought of being told she had barely made any progress filled her with dread.

She could barely believe it when her doctor told her that she was already eight centimetres dilated. She had been hoping for four or five maybe even six. Even Elliot was shocked.

"I might have guessed you wouldn't go into even childbirth half-hearted," he teased her as the nurse on duty led her straight to the theatre where she would be delivering her babies, as was the policy at her hospital with twins: apparently for just in case there was a sudden emergency that required very prompt action.

"Get undressed and put this on," the nurse instructed her, handing her a hospital gown. "It's time to have your babies, Olivia!"

That was when it really hit her that this was really happening. She was going to give birth. She was finally going to be a Mother! It was a thought that filled her with both excitement and dread. She felt exactly like that point on a rollercoaster where the ride has just reached the top of the first incline and you know that you are going to fall and hard, but have no choice to just let yourself be carried forward.

She felt Elliot's hand squeeze hers tightly and his timing brought tears to her eyes. It was as though he had read her mind. Then another contraction hit and once again all her attention was focused on getting through the intense wave and suddenly her fear of what was ahead completely disappeared as she found her world now suddenly consisted only of the present. This was it. These babies were coming. There was no going back now.


	20. Chapter 20

20

It was all happening so fast. She hadn't expected it to be anything like this. The pain of each contraction was unquestionably intense now, but in between them she still felt fairly normal, although the smell of the room was a constant reminder that she was in hospital. She wondered how much longer it would be. She was aware the nurses were rushing around preparing things for the inevitable birth and that the number of people bustling about in the room had significantly increased. It was both exciting and frightening at the same time.

"Do you want some ice?" Elliot asked her. She shook her head. She wasn't supposed to eat just in case she suddenly needed surgery, but she had been given permission to have some ice shavings if her mouth got dry. They had wanted to hook her up to an IV and she had reluctantly allowed them to put the needle with a heplock in her hand, but refused to let them actually hook her up to any fluids yet. She hadn't been in labour all that long and still felt she had enough energy for now. She didn't want to be restricted to the bed, for right now walking around and then leaning heavily forwards during the contractions was the most comfortable position she could find.

"Owwwww," she moaned as another strong contraction hit. It seemed as though the previous one had just ended.

Elliot continued rubbing her back and she directed him to just apply pressure rather than make swirling motions. It seemed to help slightly. She breathed deeply as the contraction ebbed away and glanced at the clock on the wall again. It was getting harder and harder and she was starting to long for the actual pushing stage and the knowledge that it would soon be over.

A nurse approached and wanted to check her progress again. She clambered on to the bed and lay back. The contractions were much harder to cope with lying down, so she hoped the nurse would be quick.

"7cm!" she was informed cheerfully.

"You're joking!" she groaned. "The doctor said I was 8cm an hour ago!"

"He tends to be a bit generous with his measurements," the nurse said nonplussed. "You're close though Olivia. I think once your waters go, it'll be fast."

"I can't believe it," she said desperately to Elliot. "It feels like I'm going backwards. I don't think I can do this. Oh God… another one." She shifted positions and he placed his hand hard against the spot at the base of her spine that she liked. "I can't do this. I can't….Owwwwwww. Make it stop. I've had enough. I can't."

"You can. You're doing it. You're getting close now." Elliot told her. He hated this part of labour, where to be honest he felt a little inadequate just standing there when the woman he loved more than anything was going through such pain and there was nothing much he could do to help.

"Nooooo," she moaned. Then she was suddenly aware of a weird wet sensation between her legs and she knew immediately it must be her waters. She was in too much discomfort to really take in the fact that it was significant progress.

"It reeeeeallly hurts." She was starting to feel a bit panicky. This was way more intense than she had even imagined. What if there was something wrong? How would she know if the pain was normal or not? She started to regret her decision to attempt to go natural. She needed something. There was no way she could do this.

"Help me!" she begged the nurse. "Get me something. I can't do it."

"Hang on," instructed the nurse calmly, although she moved hurriedly. Once again she carried out a quick internal examination.

"OK. You're complete at 10cm!" she said not hiding her obvious surprise that she had progressed quite that fast. "It's time to deliver your babies, Olivia. Let's sit you up a little. Another nurse came and raised the back of the bed so that she was more upright.

Olivia could hear and see everything going on but she felt like she was in another world. She felt so strange. She was suddenly close to tears, nauseous, terrified and convinced that there was absolutely no way she could do this.

"I need something for the pain!" she yelled, surprising Elliot with the ferocity of her request.

"Olivia, honey. It's too late now," the nurse said firmly. "These babies are coming now! Listen to me. When I tell you, you're going to have to push."

"I am pushing!" she yelled hysterically. She couldn't help it. Her body had completely taken over and it was as though she had absolutely no control whatsoever. Her whole lower body was thrusting downwards involuntarily. She was vaguely aware of the primal like grunting, or was it screaming, emanating from her. She was beyond caring though. She felt like she was in her own world, completely removed from reality. The only thing keeping her vaguely grounded was Elliot's close presence.

"Olivia! Listen to me. Stop pushing! Wait for the contraction!"

"I can't help it!" she screeched. "Oh my God, it fucking hurts! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck."

Elliot smiled to himself. It wasn't the first time he had experienced the crazy transformation of a birthing mother in the throes of hard labour, although he had to admit Olivia was slightly more vocal than his ex-wife. Not that it bothered him. It was just a reflection of her different personality: her vivacity and passion.

"Olivia, pant! Concentrate on my voice!" the nurse was futilely trying to get her to follow her instructions but it seemed Olivia's body had a mind of its own.

"Eeeeeyooooouuuugggghhhhhh" she screamed as she bore down.

"OK. Olivia, stop! Take a breath!"

Olivia pushed down as hard as she could. Fuck waiting! She wanted this over. Right now it was all she cared about. As she concentrated on focusing all her energy into the push she suddenly realised that was what she needed to do: add to her body's natural impulse to push by making a deliberate effort. As she did so she could feel the first baby actually moving down through the birth canal. She stopped screaming and as she pushed made a kind of strange grunt instead. She felt the baby pass through the infamous ring of fire and then she could feel it stretching her hard as the head started to emerge. Then it slipped back inside as she stopped for a breath. As she renewed pushing a few seconds later, the pain of the entire head stretching her and breaking free almost overwhelmed her. It was beyond pain. She couldn't put words to it.

Then just like that it was over. The baby was out. She lay back, absolutely exhausted. The worst of the pain was over for now. Then it hit her that her baby had actually been born. She looked down and watched in near disbelief as the doctor quickly raised the baby up so she could see the gender for herself.

"A boy!" she whispered in awe. "Is… is he OK? He's not crying! Why is he so blue?"

"He's perfect!" said the nurse, who was standing right beside the doctor as they cut the cord and rubbed him down a little with a towel.

Then the baby began a high-pitched cry that immediately brought tears to her eyes.

"Can I hold him?" she asked meekly, wondering why she felt the need to ask so politely when it was her baby.

"Of course," the nurse said, bringing him up close to her face and holding him there so that Olivia could see, smell and touch him. The nurse didn't let go of the baby, however and Olivia was glad. She was still shaking from the sudden and intense transition. It had been so fast. She reached her hand to the tiny baby's face and touched his cheek gently.

"Hi," she said. "I'm your mommy."

"He's amazing," Elliot whispered, drawing closer to them both.

"I feel sick!" Olivia announced suddenly. The nurses immediately brought her a basin and gave Elliot the baby to hold.

Tears streamed down her face as she heaved into the basin. All she wanted was to hold her baby, but now she could feel the beginnings of another contraction and she suddenly remembered with horror that she had to do it all over again.

"Nooooo," she moaned. She was already exhausted from the first round and didn't have as much energy this time to vocally protest the inevitable.

"Are you feeling the urge to push again, Olivia?" she was asked and she nodded weakly, holding her breath as the peak of the contraction hit hard.

The hospital staff readied themselves for the second delivery. Elliot handed the first baby back to a nurse, who took him over to the other side of the room to give him a more thorough check over and take all the necessary measurements while Olivia gave birth to the second baby.

It only took three hard pushes and the second boy slipped out effortlessly. It seemed much easier the second time thankfully.

This time they put the baby straight onto her stomach as soon as it was delivered and cut the cord there. Olivia was still shaking, overwhelmed by the whole process.

Once she had delivered the placenta and been stitched up, she was moved into recovery and the nurses helped her attempt to nurse the babies. They decided to try one at a time this first time and so Elliot held one baby while she nursed the other and then switched. It was a weird sensation, she decided. The babies` mouths were so small and she could feel the uncomfortable pull at her nipples pinching them. As she watched them suckle for the first time though, she was bathed in a warm sensation of pure love. She couldn't believe those two little guys had been inside her just hours ago.

The nurse informed her that they had weighed in at 7lbs1oz and 6lbs12oz, very good weights for twins. The only thing she was warned about was the possibility that they might seem a little sleepier than a forty-week newborn and it certainly seemed the case, for both of them had nodded off mid-feed. She was told that later they would show her some techniques to make sure they stayed awake for the whole nursing session, but that for now it was fine.

She had been lucky and had only needed two stitches, despite the speed of the first birth in particular. She still felt very numb down there but apart from that and the fact that her stomach now looked considerably flatter – more like she was six months along with a singleton - she could hardly believe she had just given birth.

She still hadn't informed the hospital staff of their names, so for now they were still labelled baby A and baby B. She was certain she wanted baby B to be Kai, but still wasn't sure about baby A.

"I want you to choose," she said to Elliot shyly, after the nurses had finally left them alone together for a while. She was still in the recovery room but had been told she would be moved to her room shortly.

"Are you sure?" he asked, touched at her request. They had discussed names a lot and he knew she was struggling with a second boy's name. He told her he needed a little more time to think about it, so for now baby A remained baby A.

Not long after she was moved to her room Elliot told her he had chosen.

"Already?" she said, smiling. "So what is it?" Given the names of his kids, she braced herself for something extremely traditional.

"How about Jacob?" he said. "Jake for short."

"Jake…" she repeated, trying it out. "Yes, I like it! Jacob and Kai."

"Welcome to the world Jacob and Kai," Elliot said. "You guys don't know how lucky you are, for you have the best mommy in the world!"

Embarrassed, but admittedly pleased, Olivia blushed red slightly, keeping her gaze on the babies. It was amazing. She couldn't believe they were finally here and that she was finally a Mother.


	21. Chapter 21

**Sorry about the huge delay with this story. Hoping to have more time to write over the next couple of weeks and bombard you with chapters. S x**

21

The nurses had told her to get as much rest as she could, but she was so wired after everything that sleep was the last thing she could imagine doing. She couldn't keep from just gazing at them in awe, amazed that until a few hours ago they had been inside her. It was difficult to imagine how they had possibly been able to fit, something which drew a smile from Elliot when she mentioned it. He had stayed by her side ever since the birth and seemed every bit as enthralled by the two tiny little boys as she was. It moved her to see him taking such an interest in them, for despite everything, she had to admit she had been worried about how he would feel once they were actually born.

The twins were lying together in the crib, fast asleep and she was leaning heavily back against the pillow on the bed. She was physically drained. The birth had been hard, yet at the same time so invigorating. It was still difficult to get her head around it all. The whole experience had been so overwhelming. She was certain it was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life, yet the fact that she had got through it and come out the other side with two amazing little babies filled her with a huge sense of pride and achievement, unlike anything she had felt before. That said she couldn't help feeling amazed that other women could go on to have child after child. Even though the birth process had been wonderful in many ways, right now the thought of ever doing it again filled her with something akin to sheer horror.

"Are you sure you can't sleep?" Elliot asked her gently, taking her hand in his as he spoke. "You look exhausted."

"Maybe in a while," she replied, squeezing his hand back.

"I love you," he said. She smiled and replied the same. He moved upwards and kissed her softly on the lips.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, surprised to see her eyes filling with tears.

"I don't know. It's probably the hormones."

"Come here," he said, wrapping his arms around her as best as he could and drawing her close to him. "You did amazing. I'm so proud of you."

"Look at them though, Elliot. What if…"

"Liv, stop it. You're going to be a wonderful mother. Stop worrying."

"They're so small. They could be absolutely anything."

"Yes they could." He had understood the real meaning behind her comment, but it was hard to imagine anything other than a future full of potential for both of them.

_Later_

"Something's wrong with him," she said worriedly, holding Jacob in her arms and staring at him intently.

"What do you mean?" Elliot asked, deliberately trying to sound calm. He could see she was serious.

"He seems floppier."

"I'm sure he's fine, but if it will give you peace of mind, let's check with the nurse, okay?"

"Okay," she said nervously. At this point he felt the first twinge of fear stab through his gut. Not wanting to show her just how concerned he was he forced himself to move more slowly and calmly as he reached for the call button, but he pressed it firmly.

The nurse appeared promptly and on hearing their concerns and taking a look at the baby, immediately called the pediatrician in to take a look. Elliot watched Olivia, her face almost completely drained of colour as she anxiously answered the doctor's questions about how Jacob had been since the birth.

"Olivia, we're going to need to take both babies to the NICU for further tests," the doctor informed her solemnly.

"Both babies? But Kai is fine, isn't he?"

"I'm sure he's fine, but if there is something going on with Jacob, then we need to make sure it's not going to affect Kai too, so I'd rather take them both for testing at the same time. They'll probably be back with you in a couple of hours. It's just a precaution."

"I want to go with them."

"Olivia, they will be in good hands. You need to rest and build your strength up. I promise we will let you know the second we find anything out."

"Please let me go too," she begged desperately.

"Liv. It'll be alright," Elliot said comfortingly. "Let them do their jobs."

She nodded reluctantly, watching as the staff quickly and efficiently took her babies away. It was such a helpless feeling.

Once they had gone her tears fell unchecked. Elliot had no idea what to say, other than to keep on repeating that it was only a precaution and that they would be fine.

"But what if they're not, Elliot?"

"You have to stay strong, Liv. Wait until we know more, before convincing yourself something terrible is wrong."

"I should have known it was too good to be true."

"Sweetheart, please don't think that. It's going to be OK, I promise."

"Only it's a promise you can't make, can you?" she said miserably.

…

She was convinced that waiting to hear what was going on with her babies would be going down as one of her worst life experiences yet. Her mind was racing with all kinds of awful possibilities. She tried telling herself everything would be fine, but the more time that passed, the less able she was to keep her mind from teetering towards all kinds of worst possible scenarios. After almost two hours, she was literally a stone's throw from leaving the room and heading to the NICU herself, when finally the door opened and the doctor appeared with the nurse close behind him, carrying Kai in her arms, apologising for having kept them.

"Is he OK?" Olivia asked, relieved beyond belief to see at least one of her babies. The nurse stepped forward and handed him to her and she immediately took him into her arms, holding him tightly and showering him with gentle kisses.

"This little man is just fine," the doctor smiled, so he has been released from the NICU. Unfortunately, however, his big brother's blood tests revealed he has low blood sugar and so he will need intravenous fluids for a while until his levels stabilize."

"Low blood sugar? Why?" Olivia asked, dazed.

"We're not entirely certain to be honest with you. It could be any number of reasons. We will be running further tests on both of them to rule out anything genetic, but it could just be one of those things we can't explain."

"Is it life threatening?" she asked nervously.

"Not now that we have caught it," replied the doctor. "Severely low blood sugar can sometimes result in learning difficulties as it affects mental function, but since we have caught it relatively quickly, with treatment we don't think he will be adversely affected."

"Oh God, Jacob…" she muttered, the only words seeming to penetrate her brain being "learning difficulties" and "affects mental function" and that cancelling out everything else the doctor was saying.

"We have put him on antibiotics as a preventative measure as sometimes an infection can be the cause of low blood sugar."

"Is he going to be alright?" she asked again, still dazed about what this all really meant.

"We are treating the low blood sugar successfully, Olivia. We're going to get him back to you as soon as we can. In the meantime, the nurse will show you how to use a breast pump. As his sugar levels stabilize we will increase oral feeds and reduce the amount of IV fluids until he is sustaining himself completely by mouth. Once he's feeding normally, he'll be able to come back to you. Do you understand?"

She nodded. It still didn't feel real.

"The nurse will answer any questions. Don't hesitate to ask anything at all. I will back to talk to you again later. I'm afraid I have more patients to see right now."

"Thank you, doctor. Can I see him?"

"Yes. The nurse will arrange everything for you."

…

After nursing Kai, Olivia was taken in a wheelchair to the NICU. It was a shock seeing him lying there. She had seen tiny babies in the NICU before, but it was completely different now that it was her own child. His tiny little body somehow seemed even smaller when compared to the size of the incubator. The main nurse in charge of his care explained that they had been unable to find a good vein in his hand, so they had connected the IV to his foot. They were planning to attempt to feed him the tiny amount of breast milk that Olivia had managed to pump just before she had come to visit and they were hoping he would tolerate the feed well. The nurse seemed positive that he would respond well and not be kept in the NICU for too long. She encouraged her to keep pumping as much as she could, since pumping breast milk was the best thing she could do for him right now.

After the visit, Olivia returned to her room, where Elliot was waiting with Kai, feeling much happier having seen Jacob and talked with the nurses. Having Kai to care for also helped to take her mind off things a little, although she was naturally still extremely worried. Kai was nursing almost constantly as her milk hadn't come in yet. The nurses explained that the more she nursed, the quicker it would likely come in, so she put him to her breast every opportunity she got and in between feeds spent time using the pump. She could only draw out a few drops of colostrum at a time, but she was told that even a tiny bit would help, so she kept at it, determined to do what she could to help her little son.

…

Elliot had popped home while she and Kai were napping to fetch her some more things and bring her laptop. Despite all of the nursing and pumping, she still found herself with time on her hands and so she was glad to have the internet to browse. Of course she went straight to Dr. Google and inevitably started severely scaring herself. Eventually Elliot stepped in and insisted she put the laptop down.

"Liv, you heard the doctor. He's going to be alright. Stop doing this to yourself."

"I'm just so scared, El."

"I know, I know. I'm worried too."

"I just keep asking myself if I could have done something earlier. I should have noticed something was wrong sooner. Maybe it wouldn't have got so bad? Maybe we could have intervened before he needed an IV."

"Or you could have noticed a lot later and it have been worse, but you knew something was wrong Liv. You helped him!"

"It was so horrible seeing him lying there in that incubator. He's so small. The needle in his foot looked so huge compared to him. I hate the thought of him hurting and not having his mommy there to comfort him."

"Every hour he's getting stronger."

"I hate being away from him."

"He'll be back before you know it and all this will be a distant memory. He'll be OK, Liv. I know he will."

…

The next day she was officially released from the hospital and so spent all of her time alternating between the NICU waiting room and the NICU itself, trying to divide her time between her two sons as best she could. Jacob was improving, but he still wasn't quite out of the woods. Whenever she was with either Jacob or Kai, Elliot would stay with the other one in her absence, so that they would never be left 'alone'. As the day went on, Jacob's condition was continuing to steadily improve and they were starting to hint that if he continued making such good progress, he might be released as early as the next day. It was a huge relief. Thankfully they had no reason to believe that he had suffered any permanent effects from the low blood sugar, since it had been caught in time and he had responded very well to treatment.

…

The following day, Jacob was declared well enough to be released as an outpatient and finally they could all go home together for the first time. Olivia's milk had come in fully by now and she seemed to be producing plenty. That morning in fact, when she had awoken after a much needed three hour stretch of sleep, she had immediately felt the difference in her breasts and had looked down, reminded of the scene in `Look who's talking` where Mollie is shocked to discover her own sudden new busty appearance a few days after the birth of her son Mikey. It was fascinating how, in just a few hours, things could change so radically. Once again it hit her just how amazing the whole birth process really was.

Once they were safely inside her apartment, with the boys still sound asleep in their portable car seats, she sank down onto the sofa at Elliot's insistence, while he made her a hot drink. She took a look around. She had only been home for a couple of minutes, but already the place looked and felt radically different. Life had completely changed and it was suddenly starting to really hit home that nothing was ever going to be the same again.


	22. Chapter 22

22

_Four months later_

"I'm not arguing with you Liv. We're going. Maureen and Kathleen are happy to come and watch the babies and you need a break. You're exhausted - even you have to admit that!"

Olivia sighed. She knew deep down that Elliot was right, but the thought of leaving her babies was terrifying. She hadn't been separated from them yet since Jacob had returned from the NICU after the low blood sugar scare.

"Come on, it'll be fun," Elliot continued. We hardly ever get any time alone together… I miss you."

Surprised at the near pleading tone to his voice, Olivia suddenly felt bad. He had stuck by her, supported her steadfastly through everything over the last few months and genuinely loved her two boys as much as his own kids. They had never really had the chance to date properly and ever since the boys had been born, life had been a crazy whirlwind of diapers, feeds, baths and endless laundry. To say looking after twins was hard was the understatement of the year in Olivia's view. She had been adamant about breastfeeding and the first few weeks had been thoroughly exhausting while they learned to get into a rhythm. Luckily she had quickly mastered the art of feeding them simultaneously which saved some time. Elliot had been amazing, waking up with her, despite more often than not having to work the next day, helping to change one twin's diaper while she changed the other's and then bringing her water and snacks while she nursed.

"OK," she agreed. "Let's go."

"Great," Elliot said grinning. "I'll book us a room then!"

"What? You meant for us to stay overnight? I thought you meant dinner or something?"

"Come on Liv, it will be fun. Maureen and Kathleen will be fine with the twins and you can pump enough by Friday to keep them going until we get back. We can leave Friday evening and return early on Saturday morning, I promise. They'll hardly know we were gone."

"El, as much as I want to go away with you, I just don't know about leaving them for that long right now. They're still so little."

"Come on Liv. You need this. I need this. Just imagine a whole night alone, to do whatever we want."

"A night of uninterrupted sleep…" she muttered dreamily.

"Hmm, not so sure we'll be getting much sleep," he said, grinning at her seductively, slipping his hand on her knee and making her giggle. Her knees were one of the most ticklish parts of her body, a fact he knew very well.

"It would be good to have some time together," she admitted.

"Thanks Liv," he said nuzzling into her neck and planting a quick kiss there, just as the cries began over the monitor.

"Jacob!" she muttered, getting to her feet immediately. It never ceased to amaze him how she was able to distinguish their cries so easily. More often than not he couldn't tell the difference. He supposed it must be a special skill unique to a mother or something. It had been the same with his own twins, he remembered. He watched her head to the bedroom where the boys were sleeping. He loved watching her care for them. She was so attentive, so loving. He knew she had always wanted children of her own and he could see every day how much they meant to her. Even so, he was looking forward to the coming weekend and their evening and night away. He was determined to make it as special as he could for her, for he was planning on telling her just how much she meant to him that night.

_Friday night_

Maureen and Kathleen had arrived around forty-five minutes ago and they were busy flicking through the movie channels planning their evening in front of the TV. Olivia was still not ready, but instead fussing over pretty much anything and everything she possibly could. Elliot watched her as she continued to add emergency numbers and instructions to a sheet of paper she had placed on the kitchen table.

"Liv, come on. The girls know what they're doing. They'll be fine. If we don't go soon, we will miss our table."

"Hang on a second. I forgot to show them where the band aids are."

"They are fast asleep Liv and neither of them is capable of even sitting yet, let alone climbing out of their cots and injuring themselves to the extent they need a band aid. Please, stop worrying and let's go."

"Fine," Olivia said with a reluctant sigh.

"I get it Liv, I do," he said sympathetically. "The first time you leave them is really hard, but they'll be fine and so will you. I promise."

She nodded silently, only semi-convinced it seemed.

"Come here," Elliot instructed her, seeing her damp eyes. He wrapped his arms around her tightly. "Look, it's OK. If you're really not ready for this yet, then we can come back after dinner and go away another time when they're a bit older."

"No, I want to go. I'm sorry. I'll be fine. I'm excited, I am," Olivia said. She knew how much Elliot was looking forward to their time away alone together and she genuinely was too despite her worries about leaving the boys. She hoped once they got out of the house she would feel better about being apart from them.

"Are you guys ever getting out of here?" Kathleen asked, rolling her eyes slightly in mock irritation.

"Yes, we're going now," her Father replied with an apologetic smile.

Olivia reached for her purse and small overnight bag that she had prepared earlier and finally they left her apartment, thanking the girls once more as they left.

_The restaurant_

"Oh, Elliot, this place is amazing!" Olivia said quietly as the waitress showed them to their table at the back, pulling out the chair for each of them before they sat down. It was small and cosy with only a handful of candlelit tables dotted around, all spaced well apart from one another in semi-private alcoves. The cuisine was French and Elliot had ordered them the full dinner course with a bottle of white wine, without even glancing at the menu.

"El, this must be costing a fortune!" she whispered once the waitress had disappeared.

"It's a special occasion," he replied.

"It is?" she asked puzzled, wondering for a second if she had she forgotten his birthday or something?

"Do you see that picture on the wall?" he said changing the subject and indicating the huge painting of the Eiffel Tower that hung there.

She nodded. It wasn't entirely original given they were in a French restaurant, but the colouring of the sunset had a warmth and ambience to it that made her stare in fascination.

"One day I'm going to take you there and kiss you at the top of the Eiffel Tower," Elliot said. His tone was thick with promise and emotion and she was surprised to feel a shiver go down her spine. She felt his knee brushing against hers and a jolt of electricity travelled up her leg and she felt her body responding immediately.

The waitress brought their wine and she tasted it slowly, trying to concentrate on holding the delicate glass without spilling it, while the thought of Elliot running his hands over her body and through her hair continued to distract her. She was certain she was blushing and when she caught sight of the grin on Elliot's face she wondered briefly if maybe he could read her mind or something.

"To us!" he said, as their glasses clinked. They both took a sip. She felt his eyes on her as she placed her glass back down on the table. She was suddenly and inexplicably nervous. Her stomach was literally in knots. She couldn't stop her thoughts from turning to what would no doubt be happening after the meal.

"Liv," he said, leaning forward and speaking softly. He grasped her hands as she looked straight into her eyes.

"Look, I'm not very good at this. I mean we were partners for so long, this is maybe still a bit strange, but there's something I need to say to you."

She stared at him expectantly, not daring to speak and interrupt him.

"I love you Liv. I want to be with you long-term. I know it's probably a little soon to be thinking about marriage just yet, but I wanted you to know that I am serious and that I do want that eventually… I mean if you do of course."

He glanced at her nervously. She looked shell shocked. Had he made a mistake mentioning the M-word so soon? He fidgeted a little, awkwardly, waiting for her response.

"El, I, I don't know what to say…" she said finally. He saw the tears glistening in her eyes and reached a hand up to her face.

"You don't have to say anything," he whispered, realizing that it was pure emotion that was preventing her from speaking, nothing else.

"I love you too, El. I want that too…."

She was cut off as he leaned in and kissed her.

After a minute they pulled apart, Olivia glancing awkwardly around to make sure no one had seen, but they were hidden from view, much to her relief. Open displays of affection weren't really her thing.

"I'm so happy we came away," Elliot said, his hands still clasping hers.

"El, I really don't know how you expect me to sit through a whole five course meal after this!" she said, surprising him with her openness. There was nothing light-hearted about her tone, he realised. She was deadly serious.

"We could nip off to the bathroom!" he said smirking mischievously.

"Are you out of your mind?!" she said indignantly, but her grin revealing her amusement. "We're not teenagers."

"I feel like one," Elliot said, leaning in for another quick kiss.

"I want our first proper time to be special. I want us to take our time."

"Hey, I was joking, you know!" he said.

She smiled.

"Looks like the first course is coming!" she said, nodding towards the waitress heading towards them.

_The hotel_

The meal had been delicious. Every single course had been beautifully presented and just the right amount that it left them satiated but not excessively so. As they walked arm in arm down the street towards the hotel, Olivia felt almost giddy from the effect of the wine and the anticipation about the evening to come. Then she realised the direction he was taking her.

"El!" she whispered. "This is too much."

"Nothing is too much for you," he replied. "Besides, I got a late deal actually. It wasn't too bad."

"Even so…" she said as he led the way through the automatic doors to the hotel.

They checked in quickly and were shown to one of the deluxe double rooms with a truly breathtaking view. They stood in front of the huge window for several moments, just staring at the city below, his arms around her. Then he gently spun her round to face him, staring straight into her brown eyes for several seconds before he leaned in to kiss her.

She felt her whole body melting into to his. Her legs suddenly felt weak and it was as though he had read her mind, for she felt herself being lifted as he raised her upwards into his arms and began to carry her across the room towards the huge bed. She didn't even protest. She was completely lost in the moment. She began pulling at his shirt, wanting, needing to feel his skin on hers. He stopped her and instead gently guided her down onto the bed.

"'I'm just going to get the curtains," he explained, crossing the room to pull the huge drapes across the window before returning to her side.

Then it was just him and her and the night.


	23. Chapter 23

23

"He feels warm," Olivia said. They were at the dining table, having breakfast. Jacob was gurgling away in his high chair, but Kai had woken a little later than usual. She had just gone to get him after he had finally started to cry, letting them know he was ready to get up.

"Do you want me to get the thermometer?" Elliot offered.

"Yes please."

Elliot had another ten minutes or so before he was due to leave for work. Mornings were always fairly relaxed. They always made sure they woke up in time to have a proper breakfast together, for more often than not the boys would be in bed by the time he got home from work.

"He's probably caught our cold," Olivia called out after him as he headed towards the bathroom and the medicine cabinet. Both of them had been suffering from the sniffles over the last few days.

"Here," Elliot said, handing her the thermometer and placing a hand on Kai's forehead himself. "You're right! He does seem a little warm, the poor little guy."

"101," Olivia announced, after a short while. "I think I'll call and make an appointment."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No, it's okay. I'll be fine."

"If you're sure…"

Olivia nodded. She had become used to handling the two babies by herself over the last few months. She wasn't about to let having twins stop her getting out and about. The good thing about living in the city was that pretty much anywhere she needed to go was accessible on foot and the double stroller they had purchased was worth its weight in gold. The one advantage that outweighed the general bulkiness of such a contraption was the increased luggage space underneath. Being able to shove the inordinate amount of paraphernalia that was necessary for even the smallest of trips under there made excursions alone much more manageable. Thanks to all the walking she had done, she had almost returned to her pre-pregnancy weight at seven months post-partum.

"I'm hoping to get off early tonight," Elliot said, moving behind Olivia and placing his hands on her shoulders to give her a gentle massage.

"That'll be nice," she said turning her head to smile at him. He leaned forward and kissed her on the lips.

"I'd better go and get ready," he said. She nodded, and then returned her attention to Kai. Although warm, he seemed as alert as usual. He started pulling at her top, letting her know he was ready for his breakfast. She deftly slipped her camisole aside and he quickly latched on, settling into the crook of her arm happily, his fingers stroking the skin between her breast and shoulder. She loved these moments snuggling with her babies.

Once Elliot had finished brushing his teeth and changing into his work clothes, he returned to say goodbye to Olivia and the boys.

"Call me once you're done at the doctor's!" he instructed.

"I will," she promised. "Have a good day!"

"You too… Love you!"

"Love you too!"

…

The doctor's surgery was as busy as always and she waited over an hour to be told it was "probably a virus" and sent home with instructions to keep up his fluid intake and to give him some infant Tylenol if his fever was making him uncomfortable or went over 101. Her worry eased somewhat, she headed back home, calling Elliot on the way.

"I worry too much, don't I?" she said once she had finished giving him the news that Kai seemed to just have a slight cold.

"Maybe, but it's natural," Elliot replied comfortingly.

"How's your day going anyway?" she asked.

"The usual…Finally nailed that creep who flashed those kids outside the elemntary school though. He's already lawyered up and crying mental defect."

"I don't know how those defence attorneys can live with themselves sometimes," Olivia sighed. She did genuinely believe in the justice system and that everyone had the right to a fair trial. However, when you were dealing with the kind of low-life they came into contact with in the special victims unit it was hard not to get jaded about things. Prisoners getting off on technicalities or bogus claims of mental defect would always be difficult to deal with.

"Hopefully the jury will see straight through it," Elliot said positively. Olivia smiled. He had changed over the last few months. He seemed much more laid-back somehow. It was a side of him she loved to see.

"Well, I'd better leave you to get on with things," she said. "I don't want to distract you and prevent you from being able to leave on time this evening."

"Okay. I'll see you soon. Give the boys a kiss for me."

"I will. See you later."

…

His message came through at just before 5pm. It seemed something had come up and he wouldn't be able to get away early like he had hoped. Disappointed, but resigned to the reality of the job he did, she fed the boys and got them ready for bed. Kai's temperature had dropped, so she decided to go ahead with bathing them. They loved the water. She had purchased two little bathing chairs, in which they could sit and splash around in. It was great for her, as she could bathe them both together and save some time that way. Tonight she lifted Kai out first, drying him off with a towel and putting some clean warm pyjamas on him before laying him down on the mat and turning her attention to Jacob.

Once the boys were ready she carried them to her bedroom and lay back on the bed to nurse them both before she put them in their cribs. It was quiet, with only the low hum of traffic outside. The boys were already looking extremely sleepy and she felt extraordinarily sleepy herself. Just for a moment, she thought, closing her eyes.

…

She woke to feel Elliot lifting Kai from beside her and taking him over to his cot. She immediately realised she must have fallen asleep with the boys on the bed. It was dark. She was surprised when she saw the time. It was gone 9pm.

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and crept out of the room heading into the living room. Elliot joined her.

"Did you just get back?" she asked sleepily.

"Yeah. I'm sorry Liv. I called you actually, but there was no reply."

"I can't believe I fell asleep like that!"

"You're exhausted. You should go to bed."

"In a bit," she said, drawing close and slipping her arms around him. He hugged her back.

"How's Kai?"

"He seems fine."

"That's good."

"Are you hungry?" she asked.

"You bet!"

"I'll heat you up some dinner. It's nothing special. Just a quiche and some salad I'm afraid."

"Just what I need," Elliot said, patting his belly jokingly.

"What are you on about?" she laughed. It was true both of them were perhaps slightly stockier than they had been ten years ago, but despite that she knew they were both in pretty good shape. Elliot worked out most days in the gym at work and although she hadn't yet got back into it since the birth of the boys, she walked almost every day and did some light stretching at home in the morning and evenings to stay supple.

"So since the boys are nice and quiet, I was thinking after this we could… you know," Elliot said, grinning at her.

"We'll see how good you are," she said teasingly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he said indignantly, coming up behind her and suddenly tickling her waist.

"Hey!" she screeched. "Do you want your dinner or not?"

"I'm not letting you go, until you promise to do whatever I want later."

"You are so full of it, mister!"

He tickled her again.

"Fine, fine" she yelped, laughing.

"You'll do whatever I want?" he asked, wanting confirmation it appeared.

"Yes, yes, just stop tickling me."

"I'm holding you to that, Benson," he said, removing his hands and stepping back slightly.

She poked her tongue out at him playfully and turned to the fridge to take out the salad she had prepared earlier that afternoon.

…

She woke at the first cry, untangled herself from Elliot's grasp and got to her feet. He grunted and turned over. It was amazing how he could seemingly sleep through their cries, whereas she was immediately on alert at the slightest sound. She wanted him to get some decent sleep though. She knew he had been busy at work lately.

She reached into the cot and picked up Kai, immediately noticing that he felt warm again. She carried him out into the living room, picking up the thermometer on the way and settled down with him on the sofa. He closed his eyes almost immediately after he latched on. The thermometer beeped thirty seconds later and she saw his fever had risen to 102.3. With him still at her breast, she got to her feet and made her way over to the kitchen to fetch the infant Tylenol. She unlatched him briefly to give him the dose and then she returned to the sofa and just sat there snuggling him as he nursed and fell asleep in her arms.

She must have been sat with him for around fifteen minutes when she heard the sound of Elliot coming in.

"Hey," he said, perching on the sofa next to them and putting his hand on her arm. "Is he okay?"

"His temp is up, it's 102 this time. I gave him some Tylenol."

"Is he asleep?"

"I think so."

"Do you want me to carry him back to his cot and see if he'll settle down?"

"I don't know, El. I just feel better holding him."

"Let's sit here for a while then."

"You need your sleep. You have work tomorrow."

"I'm fine," he assured her.

I hate seeing him sick like this," she said after a while.

"I know, but they bounce back quickly you know. He'll be as right as rain in a couple of days."

"He's so tiny," she said, stroking the side of his face.

"He won't be for long," Elliot said wistfully. It seemed only yesterday that he was holding Maureen in his arms for the first time.

"I think the Tylenol is working. He feels a bit cooler."

Elliot placed his wrist on Kai's forehead and agreed.

…

The next morning Kai's temperature was still down. He had a very slight runny nose, but no other symptoms. Olivia hoped they were over the worst of it. She was looking forward to the weekend. Elliot had suggested they go to the zoo and the weather forecast was good. She was planning on making a little picnic for them. It would be a fun family outing, she thought.

She busied herself that morning with the household chores she had been avoiding all week. Kai seemed chirpier and so far Jacob was showing no sign of catching whatever it was his brother had caught. Elliot called her at lunchtime to check in and she was happy to report Kai seemed to be on the mend.

"Cragen's called a meeting at 5pm," Elliot said. "I'll be home right after that. Hopefully it won't be a long one."

"Understood," she said cheerily. She knew there was no guarantee he would be home as early as he said he would, but just knowing that he wanted to be was enough for her.

She was almost surprised when she heard his key in the lock at dead on six o` clock. He came through holding a bunch of flowers.

"What are these for?" she asked, taken aback.

"No particular reason," he said, planting a kiss on her lips.

"You're so sweet," she replied, taking the flowers from him and heading to the kitchen to find a vase.

"How's Kai doing?"

"He seems okay. His temp went up a little this afternoon, but it was only 99.8 so I didn't give him any more Tylenol. He seems more like himself."

"That's good. Do you want some help bathing them?"

"Sure. I've already run the water."

"Great." He walked over to where the boys were lying under the baby jungle gym, a present from Elliot's kids. He picked up Jacob and Olivia grabbed Kai and then they proceeded to bathe them. They were all giggles as they splashed around in the water. One particularly big kick from Kai sent water cascading over the side of the bath and onto Olivia.

"Hey!" she said indignantly, as Elliot chuckled. Unable to resist, she dipped her hand into the bath water and splashed some over him.

"You realise you are going to have to pay for that now!" he said mock-sternly, raising his hands and slowly moving them towards her waist.

"If it's anything like yesterday's punishment, then yes please!" she said cheekily, the memory of the night before sending a shiver of anticipation through her body.

"Maybe that should be your punishment!" he said drawing close and nuzzling into her neck. "None of _that_ for at least a week!"

"I hope you aren't being serious!" she scolded him.

"As if," he whispered, kissing her soft skin gently.

"El," she breathed.

"Let's get the boys to bed," he said.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N Warning: this chapter is sensitive, but it is so important. Everyone should know the signs. My heart goes out to anyone who has been through anything like this. x**

24

The following day she decided to take Kai back to the doctor, just to be on the safe side. He had been running a low-grade fever all day, it was certainly nothing too dramatic, but he definitely wasn't himself. She hated to be _that_ mother who runs straight to the doctor at the slightest little thing, but as Elliot had pointed out; it's what they are getting paid for.

"If it eases your mind, just take him in," Elliot had told her. So she had, only to be told the same as before: that it was likely a virus and should pass in a day or two. Satisfied, although feeling a little embarrassed that she had made two trips that week for something so seemingly minor, she returned home with both boys, already resigned to another afternoon indoors watching repeats of her favourite TV shows.

Kai remained grizzly all day, but it seemed his cold hadn't taken away his appetite. He had always been a more voracious eater than Jacob, who was much more laid back and often more interested in watching the world go by rather than "waste time" eating. She had just started them both on some simple solids the previous month and they loved finger foods, so she prepared some boiled vegetable sticks for them and let them have at it. The inevitable mess was more than worth it when watching the enjoyment on their faces as they attempted to feed themselves. Besides she knew the photo of their antics she sent to Elliot's phone would put a smile on his face; definitely something she liked to do when possible, for she knew all too well how depressing a day at work could be.

Elliot wasn't too late that night, turning up at around 8pm. The boys were already in bed and she had prepared a simple meal for them both.

"Do you fancy some wine?" Elliot asked her.

"No, I don't think I will tonight. Kai is still a bit off-colour. He might wake to nurse."

"Okay," Elliot said. "Do you mind if I have a beer?"

"No, of course not! Go ahead!"

She watched him head over to the fridge and crack open a can, not bothering with a glass.

"How was your day?" she asked him.

"Not bad. I met the new ADA – a guy this time. He seems a bit green. Not sure he'll last too long."

"It's a tough job."

He had to agree.

"Let's not talk about work," he said. "How was Kai this evening anyway?"

"He's still running a low-grade fever. I really hope he's a bit better tomorrow."

"I expect he will be." He understood her worry though. The first time your child got sick was a huge deal. In fact that worry never went away.

"I meant to say, by the way, I heard from Simon. He wants to come over soon and see the boys."

"Cool. You should invite him over next weekend, while I'm away." He was going to Washington for a workshop on cyber crime and had been feeling bad about leaving her for the two days he would be away.

"Yeah, that's a good idea. Maybe I will," she said. She had completely forgotten Elliot was going away.

"You know I spoke to Cragen today about taking some time off next month. I think he's going to agree to a week or so."

"Really? That's great!" she said excitedly. A whole week with Elliot and the boys sounded like heaven.

"I was thinking we could take the boys to the beach."

"That would be wonderful."

After their meal, they watched a movie on the TV, while he massaged her shoulders gently, inevitably lulling her to sleep half way through. He gently woke her and suggested they go to bed early. She readily agreed. All these months of broken sleep were taking a toll; she felt like she was permanently exhausted and hadn't actually managed to sit through a whole movie since their birth.

They snuggled up together in bed and she happily drifted off to sleep almost straight away.

…

The next morning, Olivia and the boys overslept. She had brought Kai into bed with her when he woke at around 5am and they had both fallen asleep with him at her breast. Elliot had woken at 6:30am, smiled when he saw Kai laying there happily sleeping next to her still exposed breast and crept quietly out of the bedroom to get ready without disturbing them. He left a note on the dining table and gently kissed Olivia goodbye without waking her before he left for work. He guessed she would be disappointed she missed him, but decided that she needed the sleep more than she needed to see him.

Olivia woke at just before 9am, startled to see the time. Kai's cries had woken her, but she hadn't heard a peep from Jacob. She picked Kai up, sighing when she realised that once again he felt warm and wandered over to Jacob's cot. Jacob was laying there, gurgling and staring at his mobile contentedly. It was fascinating how different twins could be. Their personalities were so unique already, at just seven months. She picked up Jacob and headed back to the bed to nurse them both before preparing breakfast.

After they had finished nursing, she settled them in their highchairs and while she waited for the baby rice to heat up, she took Kai's temperature, dismayed to note it had risen to 103. This was getting ridiculous now. Why wasn't he getting better? The doctor had said it was just a virus, but surely he should be starting to improve by now.

Over the next couple of hours, he seemed to be getting worse. His temperature rose even higher, but it was when he completely refused his usual mid-morning feed, she knew something was seriously wrong. This was Kai, the baby who never ever refused food.

In near tears, she dialled Elliot's number.

"Hey, baby," he drawled.

"El, he's getting worse. I don't know what to do."

"Did you give him some Tylenol?"

"Yes."

"Then maybe just wait and see how he goes?"

"Something's not right, El. I just feel it."

"Are you going to take him back in?"

"I've already taken him in twice this week. I feel so silly."

"Sweetheart, if you're worried then just take him!"

"What if they just send me home again?"

"Do you want me to come?" He could tell how upset and worried she was. It wasn't like her at all to be this unsettled.

"No, you can't do that."

"It's not a problem. There isn't a lot happening here this morning. It will be fine, really."

"OK," she said in a small voice. She hated being needy, but she was really worried about Kai and about going in for the third time. What would they say? She really wasn't in the mood to be told she was just an over-protective mother or even have it insinuated. She wanted them to take her seriously.

"I'll be right there. Get them ready. I'll drive us in, okay."

"Thanks, El."

Everything was ready: she always kept the diaper bag on hand anyway and they didn't really need anything else. She waited on the sofa, holding Kai, staring at the clock willing Elliot to hurry up. Kai seemed sleepy and was just laying there limply in her arms. Every minute that passed the fear grew in her gut. It got to the point where she was on the verge of considering calling for an ambulance when she heard the key in the door and realised Elliot had finally arrived.

"El," she said desperately, as he stepped inside.

"Come on let's go!" he said quickly, immediately realising that Kai was a lot sicker than he had previously thought. He plucked Jacob out of his bouncy seat and swung the diaper bag over his other shoulder. Clutching Kai, Olivia followed him silently.

"I think we should go straight to the ER," he said.

Olivia nodded, tears now rolling down her cheeks.

Five minutes away from the hospital, Kai started making a high-pitched moaning noise. Elliot drove as fast as he safely could, pulling into the ambulance bay doors and instructing Olivia to jump out with him. He would park and join her with Jacob as soon as he could.

…

Olivia stared in disbelief as the hospital staff worked on her son. Everything was happening so quickly, she almost felt dizzy. How could this be happening? What was wrong with him?

Elliot joined her quickly and accepted the offer by a nurse to take Jacob for him, so that he could support Olivia. He placed his arm around her, but she shook him off.

"I'm sorry. I just need to know what's going on," she said.

"Why don't you both come and wait in the waiting room," a nurse suggested.

Olivia shook her head vehemently. "I'm not leaving him."

"We're going to need to run some tests. He's in good hands, I promise."

"I told you. I'm not leaving him!" she repeated more firmly, her voice rising almost to a shout. The nurse exchanged a worried glance with Elliot, who smiled apologetically.

"OK, you can stay, but make sure you stand back and give them enough room to work."

Elliot glanced at Olivia, worried. She was standing, her arms folded, the fear plastered over her pale face. He wanted so much to take her into his arms, but she had already shaken him off once. He knew how hard she was trying to hold herself together.

Finally the doctor came towards them.

"What's wrong with him?" Olivia asked.

"We're not sure. We've taken blood. Given his fever and other symptoms, I suspect some kind of infection. We'd like your permission to do a lumbar puncture."

"Olivia literally reeled at his words. She knew what that meant.

"No!" she muttered. "This can't be happening."

"Please don't panic yet. It might not be anything serious, but we need to rule it out. You have to stay positive, okay?"

"El…" she moaned. Her legs suddenly felt so weak. He immediately wrapped his arms around her and this time she allowed him to support her as she sank into a chair the observant nurse pulled closer to them.

"It's OK, Liv, listen to what the doctor is saying. It's just a test okay. It doesn't mean the worst."

"Okay," she said. "Do it."

"I'll let you know as soon as the results are back," the doctor promised, before hurrying away.

"Can I get you anything?" the nurse asked gently. "Some tea?"

Olivia shook her head. "Where's Jacob?"

"One of our staff members has him. He's fine. Do you want us to bring him in?"

Olivia nodded. She needed to hold her baby, to know that at least one of her boys was okay.

"Okay, I'll go and get him. If you need anything, press this," she instructed Elliot, indicating towards the call button.

"Thank you," he said.

"This is bad, isn't it," Olivia said, as soon as the nurse had disappeared.

"You don't know that yet," Elliot replied comfortingly.

"I don't know what I'm going to do, if…" She couldn't finish the sentence.

Elliot held her tight, pulling her head into his chest, the helplessness overwhelming him. Everything had happened so fast.

…

They watched the doctor apprehensively as he entered the room and perched himself on a chair in front of them. His poker-face was impossible to read, but even so there was a serious air to his demeanour and it sent a wave of fear through Elliot. The nurse had taken Jacob outside so that they could concentrate fully on what the doctor had to say.

"I'm afraid the initial results of the lumbar puncture have revealed that Kai has meningitis."

Both Olivia and Elliot gasped in shock. Their worst nightmare had come true.

"How can this be?" Olivia asked dazed. "He didn't have a rash."

"It's a common misconception that all cases of meningitis produce a rash," the doctor said slowly. "Sometimes the only sign initially is a fever."

"But I visited my doctor twice. He said it was just a virus."

"It's extremely difficult to diagnose," the doctor explained sympathetically.

"Is he going to be alright?" Elliot asked, knowing that it was the one question Olivia wanted to know the answer to, yet was finding impossible to ask.

"He's seriously ill. Most babies do actually make a full recovery from meningitis, but unfortunately we can't make any guarantees. The next few days will be critical."

"I want to see him," she said.

"Of course. We're taking him up to the children's intensive care unit, so as soon as we've settled him in you can go up and be with him. He has been sedated and is being given strong antibiotics intravenously. We'll explain everything that's happening when you get there. As soon as we get the results back on the exact strain, I will talk to you and discuss his treatment plan. If you have any questions, then ask - any time, day or night."

"Thank you, doctor," both Elliot and Olivia said together.

As soon as the doctor had left Olivia turned to Elliot, the bewilderment and pain in her eyes bringing tears to his own.

"How can this have happened?"

"I don't know."

"What if he dies, Elliot?" she asked, tears rolling down her cheeks.

He couldn't answer. It was a possibility he didn't even want to begin to contemplate.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N Sorry this is a bit of an emotional chapter, but things are going to get happier after this... **

25

The tears streamed down her face as she took in the sight of her baby lying there, so helpless looking, covered in tubes and wires. It didn't feel real. It wasn't the first time she had stared down at a hospital bed terrified about the outcome for one of her precious babies either. Why this had to have happened she had no idea. She found herself genuinely questioning what on earth it was she had done that meant that she and her precious baby deserved to go through something like this.

The doctors had told her it was just a case of wait and see now and that there was nothing much they could do except to provide supportive care while they waited to see if the antibiotics would work. It was a living nightmare. Every single minute dragged by and her eyes kept returning to the clock on the wall of the PICU only to discover the minute hand had barely moved since the last time she had checked. How was she supposed to survive the agonizing wait? How was she supposed to get through the next few days, worrying whether her baby would even live, let alone if there'd be any permanent side effects after the illness?

Elliot had stayed with her for a while. Then he had left to pop home, taking Jacob with him, to collect some things. She wanted him to bring the little teddy that Kai had in his cot, thinking anything that could make this place feel familiar and thereby more welcoming would be good for when he woke up. So she sat alone, beside his bed, just talking to him, telling him stories about places she wanted to show him and telling him about all the amazing things he would be able to experience as he grew up. Most of the time when she stared at her babies as they slept, she was struck by a sense of just how endless the possibilities were regarding their futures. Now she was questioning if there would even be one for her little son and it was heartbreaking.

A little while after Elliot had left she slipped off for a visit to the bathroom. Once she had finished, she stood in front of the mirror and splashed some cold water on her face. As she stared back at her reflection, she winced at the dark shadows under her eyes. She knew she was exhausted, but there was no way she would be able to sleep while in such limbo. She reached for a paper towel and as she did so, the door to the bathroom creaked open and the mother she had seen at the bed at the other end of the room came in. She had been aware of the presence of another young child in the PICU. She had discerned he was a toddler, at least a year older than Kai. She wasn't sure what exactly was wrong with him, but she had gathered he was quite critically ill from the snippets she had overheard. Of course his presence in the PICU meant that was a given anyway.

The Mother nodded at her in a silent greeting, an expression on her face that Olivia immediately understood. They were both here because they had desperately sick children. It was an automatic bond that maybe only someone in their position could really understand.

"Are you okay?" the woman asked her.

"It's water," Olivia explained. She guessed it would look like she had been crying.

"How old is your baby?" the younger woman asked.

"He's five months," Olivia replied. "How old is yours?"

"Nineteen. He's big though. Most people think he's much older."

"Why is he in here?"

"Meningitis turned to septicaemia."

"I'm so sorry," Olivia said heavily. "My baby has meningitis too." Her eyes filled with tears as she said the words.

"I get it," the other woman whispered, reaching out and touching Olivia's arm gently. "I'll say a prayer for him."

"Thank you," Olivia whispered. "I'll say one for your son too."

The woman disappeared into a toilet cubicle and Olivia finished drying her face before heading back to Kai's bedside.

…

Later when Elliot returned with Jacob he sat with Kai while Olivia took him out to nurse him. She had just changed him over on to the second breast when the lady from earlier entered the room.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said.

"Oh no, it's fine," Olivia informed her with a smile.

"I didn't realise you had twins!"

"Yes. This little guy is Jacob."

"He's adorable! Are they identical?"

"No, but I think they're going to look quite alike."

"How's he doing?"

"No change," Olivia sighed, knowing she was referring to Kai now. "The waiting is just horrible, isn't it?"

"Definitely," the other woman agreed, as she stepped towards the water dispenser and poured herself a cup. "Do you want one?"

"Thanks," Olivia said.

"I'm Kara, by the way."

"I'm Olivia." She didn't say the 'nice to meet you' that was on the tip of her tongue. It just didn't seem appropriate given where they were.

"We should get a coffee or something later, maybe? This might sound weird, but it's kind of a comfort to know that someone else knows what it's like to go through this. Not that I would ever wish this on anyway, but you know what I mean."

"Yes, I do," Olivia replied. "A coffee would be great."

"OK, well maybe chat to you later then?"

"Okay."

Olivia watched the younger woman leave the room, assumedly returning to her son's bedside and sighed. She looked down at Jacob. He had closed his eyes and was half-asleep with his "milk-drunk face!" as Olivia liked to refer to it. His long eyelashes stood out clearly on his cheeks and as she watched her small son, she was suddenly overwhelmed once again by just how precious life really was and how fragile. She clutched her baby even tighter as she tried to force her fears about what fate might await Kai and instead tried to focus on thinking positively. They were in the hospital. He was getting the best care. She had to trust that everything would work out okay… because it just had to.

…

"Are you sure you don't want to go home for a few hours?" Elliot asked her, placing a concerned hand on her lower arm. There had been no change in Kai's condition, which had been good news for at least it wasn't deterioration. Elliot had tried to convince her to come home with him to shower, have a decent meal and try and get a few hours sleep, but she had refused to leave his side.

"I couldn't sleep anyway," she said. "I can't leave him, El. He needs me."

"OK. Promise me you'll call if you need anything okay?"

She nodded.

He leaned in and kissed her tenderly on the lips. "See you in the morning," he said.

"Bye, Jacob!" she said. "Mommy loves you."

Elliot raised the baby to her so she could kiss him goodnight.

"Love you too," she whispered, as Elliot leaned in for his own kiss. He replied the same and then with one final squeeze of her arm, he left.

…

Elliot returned the next morning with a cup of coffee and a muffin which he had picked up on the way in to the hospital. She took Jacob first, settling him down for his morning feed. Then Elliot handed her the paper cup. She smiled in thanks.

"How is he?" Elliot asked.

"He's doing okay so far. They say if the antibiotics are working, we might start to see some improvement by the end of the day."

"That sounds positive," he said leaning in and kissing the top of her head. "He's tough like you, Liv. He's fighting it."

"How's Jacob been?"

"Absolutely fine," Elliot replied quickly. "He slept really well. Woke at 6am and seemed happy with his baby rice and some fruit for breakfast."

"That's good," she said. "Did you remember the antibiotics?"

"Yes," Elliot replied. All three of them had been prescribed some as a precaution for there was always the slight possibility that the meningitis could be passed on amongst close family members. They were keeping a careful eye on Jacob and watching for any signs that he might be getting sick too for the sooner it was caught, the better the prognosis. So far though, he had shown absolutely no sign of sickness.

"Did you get any sleep?" Elliot asked.

"I think I may have dozed off for half an hour in the chair."

"Sweetheart, you're going to have to try and get some rest today. When Kai gets better, he's going to need you."

"One sleepless night, won't kill me Elliot," she replied with a wry smile.

"Well don't forget you need your rest for optimal milk production," he said, changing tack. He knew how important nursing was to her. He watched the hesitancy on her face and knew she had taken his point to heart.

"The second he shows some improvement, I promise I'll get some rest," she said. "Will that keep you happy?"

"I guess it will have to do," he said, resignedly.

…

Later that evening after the doctor's round, they were given the good news that Kai did seem to be responding to the antibiotics and that although he still had a way to go, his chances of a full recovery were looking a little better than they had that morning It was the best news they could have hoped for and after the doctor left Elliot took Olivia into his arms and held her tight while she cried tears of relief. She insisted on staying the night again, so later on Elliot returned home alone with Jacob once again, promising to return first thing in the morning.

…

She must have dozed off in the chair, for the next thing she was aware of was the commotion at the end of the room. The doctor had been called in, the curtains were drawn around the little bed and so she could only guess at what was going on by the sounds that emanated across the room. Monitors were beeping and with her heart in her stomach, she knew they were using resuscitation techniques. She heard them fight to save the little boy for over an hour, before she heard the doctor apologising to the mother and the horrible words explaining that he was gone. There was no sugar-coating or flowery language as they'd use in a movie or TV show. The doctor was straight to the point in telling Kara that her son had died.

Olivia felt the tears in her own eyes as she imagined what the poor woman must be feeling. They hadn't had time to have that coffee and for some reason that made her feel terribly guilty. She had been so caught up in the improvement in her own son's condition, that she had barely given the other woman a second thought. Elliot and Jacob had been at the hospital all day. It suddenly occurred to her that no one else had been to visit Kara and her son in all the time she had been there. It appeared they were completely alone. Olivia listened to the sound of the distraught woman sobbing, the gentle voice of a nurse attempting to comfort her and her heart felt like it was breaking. This could be her. This horrible disease literally destroyed lives. She was sitting meters from a woman whose life had been shattered: she would never be the same again. As she stared down at her baby, her fear at losing him threatened to completely overwhelm her. Grasping her handbag, she crept out of the room and slipped into the communal area. She took her phone and dialled the number.

"Liv? What's happened?" Elliot asked her immediately, his tone anxious, not a single trace of grogginess despite the fact it was almost half past three in the morning.

"He died, El," she sobbed.

"What? No!" Elliot's voice caught as her words sunk in.

"Oh geez no, Elliot, I'm so sorry, not Kai, the other baby in the PICU, I meant. The one that had meningitis like Kai."

"Oh, I see. For a moment I thought…"

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you think it was Kai."

"No, it's OK. What happened?"

"I don't know. I woke up and they were all there. They worked on him for over an hour, El. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear it all. It was horrible. I just keep thinking of that poor woman… and Kai. What if we lose him too?"

"You heard the doctor. He's getting better. You can't think like that. You have to stay positive, sweetheart."

"I can't do this…"

"Listen, I'm coming in, okay."

"No! Don't wake Jacob! He'll be up in a few hours anyway. Come then."

"Liv, you shouldn't be on your own. You're upset." He could tell she had been crying throughout the entire phone call, even though she had been attempting to hide it.

"I'll be fine, El. I can manage a couple more hours. Please, don't wake him. Look, I have to go. I need to go back to Kai. I love you."

"I love you too."

…

An hour later, Elliot stepped inside the PICU and headed straight over to her.

"Elliot!" she exclaimed, totally taken aback that he had come.

"It's okay," he soothed, wrapping his arms tightly around her. "I called Maureen. She's with Jacob and will bring him in when he wakes up."

"I'm so glad you're here!" she said, sinking into him and allowing him to completely support her weight.

"There was no way I wouldn't be," he said softly, stroking her head tenderly as she cried into his chest.


	26. Chapter 26

26

Once the antibiotics started working, Kai started to improve in leaps and bounds. The doctors reduced his sedation and finally Olivia got to snuggle with him at her breast once again, relieved that he hadn't forgotten the knack. He had been fortunate for his meningitis hadn't turned to septicaemia, which would have complicated things considerably. He had been given an MRI which thankfully hadn't revealed any significant swelling on his brain. After that he was moved out of the PICU and down to the regular children's ward. He was scheduled for hearing tests in a couple of days to check for hearing loss. It was a nerve-wracking time, but right now the main thing Olivia really focused on was the fact that he had survived and that taking him home soon was looking like a realistic possibility.

Elliot had been an absolute rock the way he had supported her through her darkest moments; the hours when she had thought losing Kai was very possible. He had stayed with her, talked when she wanted to talk, just held her when she wanted to be held. He had an amazing talent for being able to read her mood and he just seemed to know what she needed. The way she had been able to depend on his support confirmed her feelings towards him. Sometimes their intensity scared her, but running was the last thing on her mind.

The day of the hearing tests she was feeling positive. She was vaguely aware that it wasn't an all too uncommon result of meningitis, but she wasn't too concerned. Kai was a little fighter. He had proved that. He had sailed through recovery so far. Waiting for the results of the brain scans had been much more nerve-wracking, as the possibility of permanent brain damage had terrified her. They were hoping he would be released from the hospital during the next day or two and Olivia couldn't wait to get him home and try and get their lives back to normal again.

"I hope the place isn't too trashed," she said to Elliot teasingly. They were sitting next to Kai's cot, each holding a sleeping twin in their arms.

"I can't guarantee it's quite as tidy as you left it," he grinned good-naturedly. "I'll tidy it up a bit before you come home though."

"I can't believe this is finally nearly over," she said wearily.

He leaned in, carefully not to knock the baby and kissed her. "I can't wait to get you home again." She smiled at the insinuation behind his exaggerated wink. She couldn't wait to go home either. Hopefully it would be the last time she saw the inside of a hospital intensive care unit for the rest of her life!

…

Olivia smiled as the nurse came over. Out of all of the staff, she was her favourite. They were all professional, but no matter how busy she was, Lisa always seemed to have the time to reassurance and explain and it made such a difference.

"How's he doing?" Lisa asked.

"He's doing great, thanks," Olivia replied, glancing down at Kai who was propped contentedly in her arms, occasionally gurgling as he watched the world go by.

"Dr. Mayer wants to talk with you. He wanted me to let you know he'll be along in fifteen minutes."

"Oh?" Olivia said nervously.

"I think he wants to discuss the test results with you himself."

"Do you think Kai can be discharged today?" Olivia asked, trying not to focus on the possible reasons why the doctor insisted on speaking to her himself.

"I don't know. You can ask the doctor. He's looking good though. It's possible."

"Thanks, Lisa."

"You're welcome. So, no Elliot today?"

"He went to go and pick up his son and spend the morning with him. He'll be back after lunch."

"Oh I see. Well, I'll leave you to it. See you in a bit."

Olivia watched the nurse leave and turned her attention back to Kai. Once she was sure she was on her own, she started singing to him again while she bounced him gently on her knee, enjoying the sound of his contented chuckles.

The doctor arrived twenty minutes later. With the impeccable timing babies seem to have, the potent aroma informed them all of Kai's need for a diaper change and so Lisa took him away to clean him up, leaving Olivia to concentrate on what the doctor was saying.

"We got the results from the hearing tests back," he began in a serious tone that immediately made her nervous. Usually he was fairly laid-back and more friendly than business-like. She clutched her left hand with her right tightly, digging the nails into the skin slightly as she waited to hear whatever it was he had to say. She suddenly wished Elliot were here.

"The preliminary hearing tests unfortunately suggest that mild to moderate sensorineural damage has occurred."

"What does that mean?" she asked, confused at the medical terminology. She was finding it hard to concentrate anyway, since her mind was all over the place.

"He has suffered some hearing loss," the doctor explained more simply.

"What?" she stammered stunned. She really hadn't been expecting this despite knowing the risks.

"With the correct intervention, he should develop normal speech and be able to lead a full life."

"He's deaf?" she repeated in disbelief.

"Not completely. We'll need to do further tests to discover the extent of the damage. It may not completely come to light immediately."

She glanced over towards where the nurse was finishing up changing Kai's diaper and couldn't help thinking again how unfair it was that her baby had been ravished by this cruel disease. How could this be happening to a poor innocent little baby?"

"Do you have any questions?" the doctor asked.

"I… I don't know," she said still too stunned to really think about what she wanted to ask.

"It's a lot to take in. Look, I'll give you some time and come back later. I'm sure you will have lots of questions, but take your time okay?"

"When can he go home?" she asked.

"Well there's no reason he can't go home as soon as this afternoon. Of course you'll have to bring him in for further tests and for a consultation with the ENT specialist as an outpatient. He'll probably need hearing aids."

The words were starting to hit home and suddenly it seemed so much more real. Hearing aids? He would need hearing aids? How much hearing loss had he suffered? Would he be able to listen to and enjoy music? Would he be able to hear the birds singing or the sound of water running in a stream? Would he hear her voice? She felt the tears welling in her eyes.

Lisa brought Kai over to her and she took him into her arms, holding him tight against her chest as she tried to come to terms with what she had just been told.

"Do you want to talk?" Lisa asked her gently.

"I'm still trying to get my head round it all," she replied sadly.

"Do you want me to try and get hold of Elliot for you?"

"No, he's with his son. He should enjoy his morning with him."

"Do you want me to sit with you for a bit?"

"No, I'm fine, really. Actually, the doctor said we can go home this afternoon. I should probably call Elliot after all and let him know."

"Sure. I'll come and check in on you later, okay?"

"Thanks."

Olivia wandered out into the corridor and called Elliot to let him know they were being released that afternoon. He was ecstatic to hear that news. She decided to wait and tell him in person about Kai's latest diagnosis.

…

When he arrived after lunch he gave her a big grin, placed Jacob in Kai's crib and then wrapped his arms around her eagerly.

"I can't believe I get to sleep with you in my arms again tonight," he muttered as he nuzzled into her neck.

"Me either," she said soberly.

"Hey, are you OK? You sound a bit down."

"I'm fine. It's just… well the doctor came to speak to me this morning."

"He did? You didn't say."

"I didn't want to ruin your morning. They think Kai has suffered partial hearing loss, El." As she spoke her voice broke.

"Oh no," he said heavily, watching the tears now sliding down her cheeks. He squeezed her tightly, stroking her hair comfortingly.

"It's going to be OK, sweetheart," he said. "He survived right? Whatever disability he has, we will get him through it okay?"

She nodded, raising her hand to wipe her the tears away.

"Maybe there isn't as much damage as they fear? Elliot suggested.

"The doctor said we won't know the full extent straight away. He said he will likely need hearing aids though."

"I'm so sorry, Liv."

"I hate this horrible disease," she said bitterly.

"I know," Elliot agreed. "Come on, let's go home. I'll go and take some of the stuff down to the car. Why don't you call the nurse and tell her we are ready to go."

Olivia nodded and pressed the call button to summon the nurse. She knew she would have some paperwork to fill out before they could leave.

…

Olivia sighed as she sank down onto the sofa, relieved that she was finally home with both of her babies and Elliot. Elliot went back down to the car to fetch the rest of their belongings. She rested her head on the back cushion and closed her eyes. She was so exhausted she thought she might actually fall asleep right there.

"Hey, why don't you go and take a short nap?" Elliot suggested when he came back and saw her. The boys had fallen asleep in the car and Elliot had transferred them to their cribs were they were now continuing to nap.

"Will you join me?" she asked timidly.

"Of course," he said and followed her into the bedroom. They lay down on the bed and he wrapped his arms around her tightly.

"I've missed you," he said snuggling into her.

"I missed you too," she replied.

It didn't take long for her to fall asleep given how exhausted she was. He considered slipping away and making a start on the dinner, but he was too comfortable where he was, so he stayed there, watching her as she slept and just thinking. He was so relieved Kai had pulled through the meningitis. Losing a child would have been devastating and she had been through enough in her life. She deserved happiness and he was determined he would do all he could to play a part in ensuring that. As he felt her chest moving up and down in her sleep and watched her eyes fluttering underneath her lids, he knew he loved her unconditionally. His desire to make their relationship official was getting stronger and stronger. The thought of asking her though made him nervous. He wasn't certain that she was quite as ready as he was to commit so fully. He wondered when would be the right time to ask her.


End file.
